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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What am I in relation to this baby?

59 replies

Nmchnger · 09/11/2023 18:47

Before my husband and I met he was in a relationship with an older woman who had a child. The child was 11 when they met and was in her early 20's when they split up. She doesn't know who her biological father was (her mother either doesn't know or won't tell her). My now husband has been 'dad' to her for many years now, she's now in her early 30's, calls him dad and they have a normal father/adult daughter relationship.

She lives at the other end of the country but visits regularly and my family have embraced her as part of the family, with my parents joking she is the closest to a grandchild they'll have as both myself and my sister are child free.

She met her boyfriend a couple of years ago and they are now expecting a baby in the new year.

They and my husband are referring to him as 'grandad' but he keeps jokingly calling me 'granny'. He has done this in their presence and they seem to be OK with that. However even though she doesn't really get along with her mum, she is still most definitely in their lives and I am very conscious that this baby will already have a granny (2 in fact) and even though I've never met her mum I don't want to be seen to be usurping her. Any ideas what baby could call me?

OP posts:
SgtJuneAckland · 09/11/2023 19:15

My step grandma is my only living grandparent, we are very close, she comes to stay with me regularly, she is just grandma to me. Your attitude and that of your family towards step relationships is wonderful, something I've been lucky enough to experience myself but not something I hear about much on here.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 09/11/2023 19:17

My partners step mum took me aside when I was pregnant and told me she would like a grandparent title but if I didn't think it was appropriate then she understood. In my head, it was never a question anyway, of course she would be a grandparent, she's only been my partners step mum for 25 years!

I appreciated her asking though, I would reccomend doing the same then going by her lead.

RedCoffeeCup · 09/11/2023 19:18

When I was a child I called my step grandfather Grandpa Firstname.

Original poster
Nmchnger · 09/11/2023 19:21

All my family love her dearly and treat her as such. She was my husband's 'best-woman' at our wedding. My parents paid for her dress and all her wedding costs ( she gets by on a low paid job that she loves rather than earns more money). My mum makes her a Christmas stocking and buys her presents (and now her partner) every year as she choses to come to us for Christmas.

They're going to be ridiculously excited when there's a baby there too!

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 09/11/2023 19:22

You are step grandad's wife but that doesn't really matter. It's lovely that you have a close bond, and it's OK for you to be called whatever the child and parents and you are happy with as long as she knows growing up what the connection and relationship is ,for no other reason than just to know.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/11/2023 19:24

My grandma had remarried and we always called her second husband Granddad even though he was my Dad's stepparent. Congrats on being a Granny!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/11/2023 19:24

Probably doesn’t matter what you officially are, but something “granny first name” sounds good, as a pp suggested.

I am auntie to several friends’ children and my ex husbands subsequent children!

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 09/11/2023 19:24

This is such a lovely thread! Congrats OP on your new whateveryouwanttocallit baby. Such a lovely addition to the family

Drttc · 09/11/2023 19:26

I have a niece who pretty much has at least 8 grandparents - her mother’s parents, her mother’s ex partner’s parents, her mother’s new partner’s parents, her mother’s ex partner’s new partner’s parents (as they are now having a baby sibling for her). I say ‘at least’ because they used a donor to conceive her originally so there is potential for her to one day reach out and connect with donor’s parents (which would be a biological set of grandparents). This could bring the total up to 10 grandparent figures (assuming no couples break up and/or expand the grandparent numbers)!

So I think you can comfortably say you’re a grandma (or at least step grandma)!

Original poster
Nmchnger · 09/11/2023 19:27

There's much excitement, the last baby in my family was my 42 year old sister!

OP posts:
Cas112 · 09/11/2023 19:40

No harm in two grannies however it's the baby's mums choice as to what baby should call you so leave it to her

Azandme · 09/11/2023 19:43

My mum was Grandma (her choice).
My former MIL is Nana (her choice)
My stepmum is also Nana (my choice).

To differentiate they are Nana our surname and Nana first name.

Never been an issue.

coffeetofunction · 09/11/2023 19:47

I'd suggest you have a think about how you might feel without "a title" and if you would like to be known as something more than just your name, consider what you would be comfortable with. Discuss this with DH then DSD and see how everyone feels. This new baby will forever be part of your family and you theirs, you don't have to be grandma or nanny or nan

YouOKHun · 09/11/2023 20:00

SMTWTFS · 09/11/2023 19:11

You sound lovely and thoughtful ❤️

Just what I was about to say @SMTWTFS, you do sound very thoughtful and attuned to the possible sensitivities @Nmchnger. I never called my grannies by the title, they were both given nicknames by me when I was very small based on what I could pronounce, they didn’t get a choice in it and they never shook off those nicknames. It’s the part you play that matters more than the title.

AnotherNC22 · 09/11/2023 20:10

coffeetofunction · 09/11/2023 19:47

I'd suggest you have a think about how you might feel without "a title" and if you would like to be known as something more than just your name, consider what you would be comfortable with. Discuss this with DH then DSD and see how everyone feels. This new baby will forever be part of your family and you theirs, you don't have to be grandma or nanny or nan

Yes this is important too. My grandad (biological not step) remarried when i was three and his wife has always just been known by her first name to us. So we had Grandma, Granny and X as the three women of that generation in our lives. It doesnt mean we ever loved her any less and i dont know why that decision was made at the time as obviously we were little, but its just been the norm ever since.

Lwrenagain · 09/11/2023 20:10

Absolutely nothing to add @Nmchnger but can we have a thread dedicated to how bloody lovely your parents sound?

FloraClover · 09/11/2023 20:14

My kids have 4 granddads and 4 grannies. As both our parents remarried. Our kids are super lucky to have multiple grandparents.

you’re a granny. As long as you and DH’s stepdaughter are fine with it.

AxolotlEars · 09/11/2023 20:16

You need to ask her really. Don't make any assumptions. I think this can be really fraught but taking your lead from mum will help you navigate her wishes. I have known all manner of creative terms

Original poster
Nmchnger · 09/11/2023 20:22

I am blessed with pretty amazing parents Lwrenagain

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 09/11/2023 20:31

This thread makes a refreshing change, what a lucky baby.

PurpleBugz · 09/11/2023 21:35

You are step grandmother.

If biological grandma is called granny you go with nanny and vice versa. Or think up an original name. I know someone who is called grandbags to their step brand child as nanny and granny were taken

Lwrenagain · 10/11/2023 05:54

Nmchnger · 09/11/2023 20:22

I am blessed with pretty amazing parents Lwrenagain

I have 4 children and we they don't have any competent grandparents however they are blessed with great grandparents who absolutely adore them. They love hearing about school things and getting pictures, it is incredibly special for them having time with our dc. I can't imagine how much joy this baby will bring.
One lucky baba!
Also I gave my grandparents their own identity by calling both sets granny merlin and granny sunny after their pets 😂

StopLickingTheDog · 10/11/2023 06:03

You all sound like normal, reasonable human beings so just have a conversation with her. The more people who love this baby the better!

We have a similar situation in our family and just asked her outright, what do you want to be called - nanny, granny, something else? She was very touched (never had kids but always wanted them, life just didn't work out that way) and is the most doting Nanna FirstName you'll come across

LittleMooli · 10/11/2023 06:07

Tell your husband to stop!

If asked say you'd like to be nana name or granny name. But until then don't push it

idontlikealdi · 10/11/2023 09:12

My kids have a granny, nanny and the step granny is called granny first name.

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