To call out my friend in this situation?

[berryice]

We’ve always been really close. Maintained a solid friendship since school really!

She’s fairly recently single (as in, been single for almost a year).

I invited her to my wedding reception a few weeks ago and she didn’t show. She received the invite in the post, we had a whole chat over a coffee about how she could bring a plus one/literally anyone as I worried she would feel awkward. She told me not to be daft and that she would be fine to pop in by herself for a drink as she wanted to see me and DH and knew some people there anyway

Highly doubt she forgot because I sent a reminder to everyone before and directions to the venue, she acknowledged it and said can’t wait to see you there.

I just feel hurt, we catered for her as she said she would be coming. Surely she could have made an excuse and said she could no longer attend even if this was on the day of the party. She didn’t text me congratulations, like the photos or message me about it in any way. I’m perplexed, I always acknowledge her life milestones and usually in a big way!

Would it be a bit thoughtless of me to send her a message? I don’t want to be all bridezilla esque as life does not revolve around my wedding but I was looking forward to see her and she just didn’t show. The venue charged per head. She is totally fine btw and has been posting regularly on social media since; meals out, spa day with her sister etc.

Don't make it about your wedding and you. You should be worried about her.
Whenever I don't go to things or don't contact people itsnot because I don't care about them or think I am more important or have better places to be. Its the opposite, I can't imagine I am important to them, I don't want to intrude, I don't want to get in the way, they have other more important people to see.

The fact she always said "pop in for a drink" sort of implies she never meant to attend the whole thing? Was it a sit down meal? Was the invitation clear? Appreciate the venue charges per head but if that's a buffet type service then anything over 30 you are estimating and rounding down anyway.

She may have had a raging hangover on the day but I presume that hangover didn't continue for the following days and weeks!!!
I'd be wondering just how good a friend she actually was.
Oh and maybe she's jealous that you're now married and she's single?

Could she be upset that she alone isn’t enough? That she’s the odd sad weird single friend? That she is only enough if she has a man by her side?

I could have misread this so apologies in advance if I did.

I dont thibk that waa the reason

she would be fine to pop in by herself for a drink

Tbh this doesn't sound like she's coming to the whole thing anyways

!

So she was hungover and not able to attend the wedding itself. Why didn't she text to apologise or wish you well in the days/weeks/months after the wedding?? What's her excuse for that?

I ended a friendship with my best friend from school because she didn't show up at my wedding, even for an hour or two (there was no obligation on her staying longer but to actually make the effort to show up in the first place).

Having an affair with the husband! In love with the wife! Sad about dying alone! (The happiest women are the single ones, fact). Alcoholic!

Mumsnet is nuts. I love it.

And so bloody what?? She gets to opt out of basic manners like at least letting her friend know she won't be attending? I'm sick of people making stupid excuses for bad behaviour.

How old are the two of you?

I ask because when I was about 19 I did similar - didn’t show up to an evening reception, in my case because I had a better offer. I was so naive I thought it would be like a house party and no one would notice if I wasn’t there. Obviously I was completely wrong. It was noticed and huge offence was taken.

That was over 40 years ago. I am now much more aware of wedding etiquette and cringe at how crass I was back then. Perhaps your friend is as unaware of how outrageous her behaviour was as I was back in 1980.

I can see why you're so hurt but could it be that she's really going through it? If you value her friendship I'd err on the side of kindness and let this go. Focus on your fabulous wedding and all the great things you have in your life. She sounds like she might still be heartbroken and going out and drinking loads is usually a symptom of that. But then I'm very soft so feel free to ignore!

Did she have a bad break up with her ex? If so I'd cut her a bit of slack, she may have felt too sad to go realising she's even further from her happy ever after, and was worried she's put a downer on your happy day, and rather than admit to that, she's covering up with too hung over to go.

She "feels so bad" is bollocks. Has she apologised? Offered to make it up to you? The whining "I feel so bad" is just code for, "I'm the victim here, please make me feel better."

This may be harsh, but as far as I'm concerned, this would be friendship ending.

You’re right.

Its a nonsense really isn’t it! she’s had time to explain and hasn’t, she hasn’t even acknowledged it at all. Then when asked, puts it down to one day being hungover, as if the following days or ability to text didn’t exist 😂

Very bizarre and child like behaviour. Pretending nothing happened and as if the last month didn’t occur is total BS. I’d choose to distance myself if I was you. Save your time and energy for someone who lives in the world of grown up behaviour.

Also was it the full wedding and reception or just the evening?

Very bizarre and child like behaviour. Pretending nothing happened and as if the last month didn’t occur is total BS

This. It might be that she was embarrassed, too stressed/unhappy to come or whatever. But she's a grown woman with grown adult responsibilities, and declining an invitation is a very simple act that most grown adults can do (or apologising afterwards). I don't see why you would want to be friends with someone this immature or childish. I bet you that you're propping her up all over the place in other ways too.

I had an old childhood friend do this- he’d been invited to the full day, and just never showed up.

He could be a bit Main Character at times, but it was the last straw. I messaged him and said that I got that my wedding maybe wasn’t a big deal to him, but it was to me. That I understood if he couldn’t make it for whatever reason, but I was really disappointed that he didn’t let me know.

He didn’t reply and we (shockingly) didn’t get back in touch.

Until five years later when he messaged me to apologise, saying he’d been really selfish and didn’t think how his actions would make me feel.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. My spouse ended a friendship over a similar situation at our wedding. I understand that sometimes things happen, but in that case, at the very least, a hugely apologetic text is required.

She was WHAT NOW?!!

Naaah, sorry - that would be me out of the friendship. There are ways to say you don't value a person and then there's accepting an invitation, not showing, not messaging with an apology and then claiming hangover 😳

I'd remind her that the event was catered, that she could have at least messaged with apologies and congrats and then ask her not to contact me ever again.

Selfish madam!!

That would be the end of the friendship to me. Unbelievable rudeness.

@LylaLee I know she did but I don't believe her friend is being honest.

I mean, she's caused damage to the friendship with all this, so I'd call her out and see what she says and make a call based on her response:

"To be honest, I'm a little surprised and hurt you didn't show up and didn't let me know, and even more so that you haven't said congratulations or wished us well on what was one of the biggest and happiest events in my life so far."

See what she says. If it's not a huge apology and a congratulatory message, I'd probably be dropping her as a friend, she clearly isn't concerned about your feelings.

I know. I'm trying to decide which post is the most ridiculous but it's a close call.

Go where?!?