Feeling isolated by work colleagues

[mickey54]

AIBU for being so upset about a situation at work? I work in an office environment with 8 other people. Today two of the staff were discussing an outing they had arranged with the team in front of me, which transpired a WhatsApp group has been created by one said member of staff and I was the only one excluded then proceeded to discuss it in front of me.
this is the second time now that I have been excluded and then they have discussed it in front of me. I feel so upset that People are cruel and unkind. I told my manager I felt like I was being singled out. I must say this is a very clicky environment with several staff in a click so the whole situation is unpleasant. I just don’t know what to do or whether being upset is normal. It’s hard to think your colleagues must dislike you so much ! I don’t know what to do ? AIBu ??? X

Thank you for saving me from myself

Just because your colleagues have social groups and outings that doesn’t involve you doesn’t mean they “dislike” you, that is dramatic. I wouldn’t necessarily call it bullying either, considering they’re literally just chatting about their weekend plans and you’re in ear range.

I mean, what exactly do you want? Do you want them to invite you? For them to know that you know? To shut them up discussing it? If you’re upset over not being invited then that is extreme entitlement in my opinion and tattling to your manager feels even more questionable. No one is obligated to involve you, and then having to not talk about it around you to be frank, is just laughable. You’re an adult.

If she’s not careful about how she handles things she could make things more difficult. Can you imagine getting called in by your boss or receiving an email telling you that you can’t discuss your social plans during working hours? What happens when you’re on your lunch break because you’re not on the clock then. I really don’t know what the OP is trying to achieve. Just go to work, do your job well and go home.

Are most of them younger than you?

Over the past couple of years we have had an influx of new starters in their 20s who go out at the weekends. I really wouldn't expect to be invited.

As long as everyone works together as a team in working hours that's all you can ask for.

The fact they want to go to HR to report people's social life is probably the answer to why they don't get invited out.. People don't like the class snitch!!

OP i assume you are all adults and not 7 year olds?!?

Its actually ridiculous "bullying" 😂😂

I used to work in a large group of extremely friendly people until some new ones started who have a very different way of looking at things and have made it very clucky. Ignorance unfortunately.
If I aas the boss I would not allow it.

You haven’t been invited and not included, so if you went to your manager/HR and complained, what do you want to happen? An invite? Sod that. I wouldn’t want to go out with people who clearly didn’t want me there.

Also you say you have been there 20 years. Are you the same age? Or are they all in their early twenties? And yes this does make a difference. Are you settled in a relationship with children? And these are all single? Again it will make a difference to those going out- maybe they thought you wouldn’t go?

But ultimately what do you want to achieve? I personally go to work, get my work done and go home. I’ve only twice been out with a team I’ve worked with in 20+ years and that was twice to many! 😂

So they said directly to you 'Oh you aren't invited'? What did you say then to them - did you not ask why?

@Romeiswheretheheartis no I meant to say they didn’t say you aren’t invited and no I didn’t ask didn’t want to look as if I was bothered when really I was!

@Lochness1975 hi! I am older in 40’s but the group is a mixture of ages and no really young ones. It isn’t the point about really wanting to go it’s more being excluded and then rubbing it in, it feels in unkind way. Unfortunately this is not the first time and not just about this one situation ☹️

@Nocturna no, no big age difference and I feel it has been done in a malicious way as it’s been done twice now ☹️

This needs mediating. What they're doing isn't necessarily an issue, it's the way they're doing it.

The active exclusion is a behaviour which could be classified as bullying and therefore HR could be pulled in over that. The workplace has an element of vicarious liability for what happens at social events, even if work didn't arrange them.

I would deal with this by getting people talking. I'd want to establish what approach is going to get the best outcome for all involved and mean they can still work together effectively.

From an HR perspective, this kind of thing is a time consuming pain in the arse but it does need sorting as some of this sounds really toxic, and before you know it, you have a culture issue.

https://www.gov.uk/employment-tribunal-decisions/ms-r-leher-v-aspers-stratford-city-ltd-and-others-3200390-slash-2019

I think this is the case I’m thinking of- there is actually a legal precedent for this. If you are the only one being excluded your employers have a duty of care to you do that you are not treated differently and excluded.

Personally though I would think about what you want, do you actually want to go? Or for them to just not talk about it?

@devildeepbluesea thanks. The manager has listened and has had taken it on board but as you say not sure how seriously these situations are taken x

@ManateeFair 100% spot on. I don’t expect to be invited to everything everyone does but asking everyone and then rubbing it in on purpose is spiteful. This also included a new girl to the team who has been here 3 weeks so I think this was done to get more people in their group. Sad lives people have !

@Kittenkitty yes thank you 😊 I realise the employer has a duty of care. No I do not want to go but I also do not want it being talked about round me and making a point of me being excluded otherwise it’s affecting how I am at work and feeling people dislike me which may or may not be the case!

@40thmonarch exactly this. New ones causing the issues, never experienced anything like this at all over all the years.

@hurlyb thank you. I think that’s the issue the environment is toxic and getting worse being led by one worker. I will def follow up to try to resolve this as it can’t carry on.

I agree. Nothing will come of this that will make OP feel better (unless her goal is just to have them told off, but it doesn’t seem that way from her posts). Sometimes people just have their own thing that we’re not part of. It doesn’t feel great but it’s life.

I read these threads where other people socialising without us apparently constitutes bullying, and I think of a girl at school whose mother came around and shouted at me for not inviting her to my 7th birthday party and made me write her a letter of apology and promise I would invite her to my parties thereafter. I hadn’t even disliked that girl before but I certainly did after that (particularly as she’d then sit at my birthday parties with a face like a slapped arse)

Are you good at your job? Are you a supportive team player who pulls their weight?

I worked with someone who had been in my team for years and yet I constantly felt like the team was carrying them which builds resentment - I didn’t want to hang out with that person outside work and I don’t see why I should have had to. I didn’t discuss evenings out in front of them because that would make them feel bad but neither would I invite someone I didn’t like just to spare their feelings.

@GetTheWinterQuiltOut yes completely and very good at it. This is where some resentment may come from I don’t know, that I am thought highly of by my managers for my work.

@hurlyb The workplace has an element of vicarious liability for what happens at social events, even if work didn't arrange them
Any event? Thats quite disturbing that people would involve their employer for outside work social events and can't imagine any reason why someone would complain and get their employer involved other than than to get people 'into trouble'.

And @mickey54 it absolutely sounds you want to police their discussions from your op
two of the staff were discussing an outing
TWO!! 2 people were discussing their weekend, it wasn't a huge group discussion in a huddle leaving you out.

I had this same experience, even down to the WhatsApp group.

I wasnt included in general chit chat with the clique either. They all had a girly weekend away and I sat and listened to all the planning etc - it was horrible

I tried to get moved to another office but the manager refused

One by one members of the clique left and then just one of the original members was left, after which her and I got on fine. It's definitely a group mentality thing. I have left that job too now, but the last few years I was there the atmosphere was so different- no cliques

Its not you it's them- sorry no answers but it is horrible