Feeling isolated by work colleagues

[mickey54]

AIBU for being so upset about a situation at work? I work in an office environment with 8 other people. Today two of the staff were discussing an outing they had arranged with the team in front of me, which transpired a WhatsApp group has been created by one said member of staff and I was the only one excluded then proceeded to discuss it in front of me.
this is the second time now that I have been excluded and then they have discussed it in front of me. I feel so upset that People are cruel and unkind. I told my manager I felt like I was being singled out. I must say this is a very clicky environment with several staff in a click so the whole situation is unpleasant. I just don’t know what to do or whether being upset is normal. It’s hard to think your colleagues must dislike you so much ! I don’t know what to do ? AIBu ??? X

Do you want to go on the "ent"?

If so, corner somebody and ask whether you could go too.

This might be online or via whatsapp

You have an issue if they fail to arrange a tardy invite.

It is really crap and they’re obviously immature. I’d be hurt that your existing colleagues you’ve had for years didn’t say to invite you.

It’s one thing having friend groups at work but excluding just one person in such a small group is terrible. Sadly I don’t think complaining will help. Either stick it out or look for another job.

Just invite yourself say oh did you forget to invite me ? Play silly 😋 or be very bold and ask out loud why you wasn't included ? They wont expect this you have nothing to loose watch them squirm for a answer then decline any invite. I had a lady who invited everyone to her 40 birthday party except me told me she run out of invites . I went and it was rubbish wish I hadn't gone. They see you as a threat or indifferent take action if you know the ringleader let her know how you feel and if it keeps happening your take it further as its bullying.

I'd be tempted to address. If they discuss infront of you I'd say "I don't know if you are all aware but I'm not included in these events. That's fine but can't u not discuss it in front of me please."

Or take it to manager

@Autiebibliophile I asked what they were talking about they told me but obv oh you aren’t invited 🤣 will speak to the manager I think, it’s very uncomfortable situation x

@Erinaz yes a threat for sure and yes there is one ringleader leading the others
but definitely won’t be inviting myself or turning up 😜

@Orangeslush yes a difficult situation. There is only one long termer but she just ignores the invites and keeps her head down.

@mickey54 they are total dicks and as others said this is bullying. Good luck

@Autiebibliophile yes they are, thank you

How are they bullying? I'd think that the person saying 'invite me to your nights out or I'll get them stopped' is a bully.
So in this workplace is no-one permitted to talk about a social event if the entire office hasn't been invited?

I don’t accept this there are people in my office that go out together and if I don’t get invited it’s not a big deal. They’re not paid to socialise with me. Likewise I’ll go out with friends from my old team and I heard that my old boss actually asked one of the team why she wasn’t invited! I didn’t invite her because she was the supervisor and not one of the team and a couple of the people still working with her asked for her not to come so they could relax. It wasn’t done out of spite. Whoever co workers choose to spend their time with is their business.

It probably isn’t bullying as a workplace can’t determine what happens outside a workplace in an employees own time.

However, organising during work hours isn’t appropriate and if you speak to your manager he/she should then tell them to stop doing this at work.

At the end of the day you deserve other workmates to treat you respectfully, but no-one can be forced to socialise in their own time with coworkers.

so you are looking for an outcome where the conversation re social arrangements takes place off work premises and not in work time.

(I have an MBA with a HR major, substantial experience in general HR and workplace investigations)

@Thinblueglass thank you for the advice 👍

You said in your OP that you told your manager, what did he/she say about it?

They sound really unpleasant and I wouldn’t want to socialise with them. They shouldn’t feel obliged to invite you, but also shouldn’t be discussing it in work time. It would be different if it was chatting about a company-wide event.

@AnneLovesGilbert she will address it with the said ring leader and discuss about it not being appropriate I think something like that

Completely agree, just bring a book or a newspaper in for breaks, then it doesn't matter you are being left out, you can escape by reading.

@LadyWithLapdog yes I agree and if weren’t discussing it in front of me I’d be none the wiser which is totally fine with me 👍

I had this when I started my current job. The manager was as bad as the rest of them! Because I’m part time and work from home a couple of days , she would organise team building lunches out at nice restaurants for the days I was working at home deliberately so that there would be someone to cover phones while they were out stuffing their faces. I kicked off big time as I started feeling more and more excluded and she eventually copped on and stopped but the exclusion from other staff continued. Considering leaving now because I feel left out of any conversations.
so my advice would be to look for something else

Is there a big age difference? Just wondering if they are a youngish bunch of newbies who enjoy going out together and haven’t invited you if you’re from a different generation?
I suspect there is no malice involved, but they need to be reminded about tact and consideration

Organise your own thing, inviting only your fellow old guard who've been ignoring the invitation. Then make sure you talk about all the fun you had

Yes I’m afraid I agree. This is clearly bullying, but if the company don’t appear keen to tackle it you don’t really have anywhere to go with this (procedure wise, you’d need to raise a grievance, which is quite likely
to be not upheld, which means you’re left with resigning and claiming constructive dismissal - notoriously difficult to win).

I work in HR and if I hear of this sort of thing in my organisation I want to know about it - but
unfortunately I think I’m in the minority. Which is odd, when you think about it.

Yeah, because when someone's feeling really upset because they're being excluded and bullied, correcting a minor spelling mistake is really going to make them feel better, isn't it?

I mean, I'm sure you come in your pants every time you have a chance to correct someone in public, but maybe just give it a rest for a bit.

Are you older than them? It could be that. They sound a bit mean not inviting you but I wouldn't class it as bullying. I've been at my job 10 years and I think some people socialise without me. I'm glad as I don't want to spend the rare time I have off work with my colleagues. Just be polite and leave it at that

I don't think it's so much the actual socialising that's the problem - as you say, you can't tell people who they can and can't have a drink with in their own time. But I think gleefully making plans for group outings, while in the office, in front of the one person who isn't invited, is actively making a point of letting someone know they've been deliberately excluded, and would certainly not meet the standards of professional behaviour towards colleagues that a lot of workplaces (including mine) would expect. There are groups of colleagues in my office who are mates outside work, but it's small groups here and there - they're not organising drinks and meals for everyone except one person, and then rubbing that person's nose in it.