To want my therapist to share my religion

[Boughtthewrongone]

I have been seeing a private therapist for depression for several months now. Just recently a topic has unexpectedly come up in our sessions. It is a “big life issue” (think dying and bereavement - it’s not that one but something along those lines) that we all have to deal with at some point.

I consider myself to be practising a particular religion, and while normally I don’t have any issue with relationships with people from other religions, I’ve realised it does shape my worldview and my perspective on things, especially these big issues. I don’t know one way or another what religion (if any) my therapist is. But I’m struggling to be completely honest and open with them about this big issue and how I feel about it as I’m not sure if they’ll totally get where I’m coming from.

AIBU?

Take this to your next session.
It is up to your therapist if they want say what religion they are.

Take this to your next session, simple 🤷🏻‍♀️

A therapist is supposed to just be a sounding board really, can you explain it in the terms of your religion without them sharing it?

I wouldn't expect a counsellor to have a religious approach unless advertised.

Could you combine counselling with talking to a priest or equivalent?

Your therapist does not need to share their religion with you.

It really doesn’t make a difference what the therapist believes- it is YOUR experience and your belief that matters in the session. They will do their best to use the therapeutic relationship with you to help you explore your issues in full without any part of them becoming relevant. So I get it, it’s understandable… but unnecessary.

Your therapist should be understanding, for this it doesn’t matter what religion they are if any

Just say what is bothering, from experience therapists will probably have heard worse and will be unphased by what you have to share. If you can't be open with your therapist, then the process is unlikely to yield the results you desire. GL

It's their job to get where you're coming from. Being open and honest is key though.

Genuine question, I don't know the answer, if you feel you can't work with a therapist who has a different religion from you (or no religion), is that discrimination?

You need to bring your entire second paragraph to the next therapy session.

If they're any good, their religion isn't an issue. It isn't about their beliefs, it's about yours
They should be supporting you I'm your exploration not impressing a different view on you.

I searched for a private therapist who shared my faith specifically because I knew it would be hard for someone secular to understand certain aspects of my culture, upbringing and the way my faith affects my day to day life. It was a good move.

An older relative didn't. Had a very young therapist with very different values who basically told them their faith was toxic and encouraged them (set them "homework" actually!) to do some things that go against the teachings of the faith. It was hugely damaging for them. They stopped seeing the (NHS) therapist eventually but it took them to get right with their faith again, they felt like they had turned their back, wouldn't be forgiven and feared eternal punishment.

You're totally missing the point of therapy and the role of the therapist OP

Yes, you're BU - because, from your wording there at the end, you're basing your entire assessment on your assumption of how they will react, rather than how they have reacted.

Ironically, this is a problem entirely within your own mind.

As far as I'm aware, there's only one "religion" that requires this kind of behaviour, and that's Scientology. On the assumption that's not the religion in question, and you're not in some other similar cult, then you should at least be able to give your therapist your religious context along with your feelings on the matter, and expect an honest response.

Once you've got that response...then decide whether you need to speak to somebody else.

Just as a thought, though...if your religion is preventing you from getting help for your depression, then in your position I'd be re-assessing my relationship with my religion rather than with the people who're trying (and qualified) to help.

Some counsellors will advertise religious counselling. But many won't because they're meant to be a neutral place for you to explore what's important to you.

What I'm wondering is why it's causing issue for you, is it because you want to debate with them and feel they won't be able to contribute, or are you worried about them judging you for your beliefs on what happens next or are you worried they might try to undermine your beliefs? Ultimately each of those things is something you can discuss with your therapist if you like them otherwise. Plus there's also the option of reflecting with your counsellor what you want to get from talking about that particular aspect, then you go to a religious leader and speak to them about it and discuss your finding with your counselor?

Are you perhaps looking for some sort of "absolution". If so, then you need to speak to a priest/imam/rabbi at your place of worship. A therapist is only meant to be a sounding board and really should not wish to debate issues of morality with you.

Im Jewish and I will only have Jewish therapists from this point forwards after going through some horrendous antisemitism previously in therapy. My NHS Gp is also Jewish but happy to see others in the service too - I just make sure I book certain appointments with my named GP

So I agree but I agree you need to raise it with the second paragraph.

I'm a Christian and wanted Christian counselling because I wanted to be sure that whatever we were working through was within a Biblical framework. I found a wonderful psychotherapist who was also Christian and we were able to incorporate prayer and Scripture along with the talking therapy. Honestly, years and years of trauma and hurt were healed very, very quickly and I came out of it a changed person. If your faith is central to your life, as mine is, you will want to ensure that whatever therapy you receive embodies those principles. It was crucial for and paid off.

For example, I was dealing with a lot of shame, and we were able to go through the Scriptures and reflect on the compassion that Jesus showed to women who carried shame and guilt. This was alongside talking things through in a more clinical manner, as were befitting the therapist's secular qualifications.

Plenty of therapists are, to me, unsuitable owing to their (having) faith, I've noticed a lot do advertise if they are (particularly) of a Christian denomination. It's not unreasonable for therapists to consider the context of their client being compatible with their own, that then (where they're responsible) should also work the other way. I couldn't be comfortable with someone with noticeable religious bias.

I think it's understandable. It's very difficult for someone outside of one's religion to understand. I was a depressed Christian and didn't feel like the non-Christian therapist "got" me. I got something from reading "A practical workbook for the depressed Christian" too. I felt guilty for feeling depressed, like it was a sign of weak faith, which was hard to express to a non-believer.

I also had Christian couples counselling which was really useful.

Of course, a great therapist is probably great regardless of religion and I've experienced a really terrible Christian therapist too. But all else being equal I'd choose the one who shares my faith.

You should discuss this with your therapist. You can say that you are struggling to discuss the issue because there's a religious aspect to it and you feel that people (ie. the therapist) might not understand where you are coming from.
And then based on how the discussion pans out, you can decide whether the therapist is a good fit going forward or not.

Another point is that my spiritual and mental health are so closely intertwined that it's crucial that whoever is helping me, is on the same page with both. Like a PP said, I have approached depression and anxiety in a way quite specific to my faith, and it brought a lot of deep healing.

@Darkdiamond this sounds lovely.
Since my gran died loads of horrible, uncomfortable feelings have been thrown to the surface, mainly about myself, self-worth, what the plan is for my future, where I fit in life etc. I have found talking to the lovely lady vicar who took my gran's funeral invaluable in working through them. She has encouraged me back to church (I have always been Christian but haven't had a church to go to in years). She is now a key part of my life and so helpful.

You can choose your therapist based on anything you want. Male, female, tall, short, black, white. Silly personal dislikes of certain things, eg their teeth are too big. Anything. You're not there in a professional capacity and of course you can have a personal preference, though you probably wouldn't tell them about it. But if a therapist selected clients in that way that would most likely be discriminatory, unless they are providing a particular specialist service, for example women's health counselling. Therapists should strive to offer their best service to everyone, including those who are very different from themselves.

I'm not sure I'd have wanted a therapist to accept your idea that your depression was a sign of 'weak faith' and that all true believers were presumably leaping for joy in the Lord 24/7.