to want DD to eat as healthily as possible

[justchekking]

DD is 20 months old and has been eating a very healthy diet until now, since switching from baby food it's mainly been vegetables and meat with rice, pasta etc, mostly home made, with fresh fruit as snacks, no white sugar at all, and avoiding preservatives etc in foods. She had some health issues as a baby and is likely to have some difficulties later, and I want her to have the best chances for a healthy childhood and later.

During arguments about other (trivial) things, DH is bringing up me controlling what she eats to much and that he wants her to eat crisps, chips, cakes, and "tasty food", even though it's very clear she really enjoys vegetables, and on the odd occasion she's had fish fingers etc, she's much less keen on it than vegetables. I appreciate her current diet is unusually healthy, but she's not only thriving she's also eating her healthy food enthusiastically (often choosing the veg over meat/carbs), and isn't yet aware that she's "missing out" on anything.

I try to encourage DH to read up about the importance of diet in early childhood, why preservatives are bad, etc, but he just refuses to and just "wants" her to eat nice food. I quote "We're giving her water to drink because you like water, I like crisps so why can't we give her crisps?" (I hope it's obvious we're not giving her water because "I like water", it's because it's the best thing for her to drink)

I know we won't be able to carry on with this in the very long term due to social pressures on her, but I'd like her to eat as healthily as possible while we can, and not introduce junk food for the sake of it, when what we're doing seems to be working well. So I'm trying to resist.

Am I being unreasonable?

TOO* much

I've had people say the same to me, not DH. DS is now nearly five, he prefers healthier foods because they are what he is used to, he doesn't like squash, chips, chicken nuggets, eats a variety of foods including vegetables, spicy things, seafood etc. Teeth are fantastic. I have some of the same people now complain to me that their child won't eat dinners, only wants sweets, will only drink fizzy drinks (at 5!), doesn't like water, needs fillings etc. I bite my tongue, but I absolutely stand by my choices.
DS is now offered things crisps, chocolate etc but isn't fussed, we do bake together which he loves. He has a much better relationship with food than I did growing up.

My son would pick fruit over sweets any day of the week. He's 3, I don't know how this happened. Yes, I am the crazy lady chopping up a banana in mcdonalds to go with DS syrupless pancakes.

People will say stuff, let them.

If your DH is being a pain, ask him why he cares about this so much. I find it bizarre honestly! Who cares if your dd enjoys the same food as her dad. I fucking hate beans and sweetcorn but ds loves them so I cook them. Likewise he wouldn't eat a vindaloo but I'm quite partial 🤣

You’re 100% absolutely in the right here. Don’t waiver. As kids grow up, the sheer onslaught of crap they get given makes you start to doubt yourself. You shift your idea of normal. This is such an important time for your dd - keep it as healthy as possible for as long as possible. As she grows up, you’ll have to massively loosen up as you shouldn’t control what she eats outside the house. But stay super healthy at home.

I gave up. Always ate healthy for myself pre kids but then the exhaustion of cooking combined with the onslaught of kid food junk, and now I have teens who eat far far less healthily than they should.

You aren't being unreasonable... but you do sound a tad PFB parent :)
In my own experience (four children and now a 2 yr old grandson) , they eat all the good , veggie filled healthy stuff until they turn two... and then an awful lot of them become fussy for a good few years, even if they haven't discovered the joys of a chocolate biscuit!
One taste of a cheesy wotsit and Ella's organic veggie puffs are rejected (quite rightly tbh )
But yes... keep on the good stuff as long as possible!!! Just don't be a 'oh no my child only eats home grown veg and drinks unicorn tears' parent when your child starts getting invited to birthday parties :)
ps... toilet training is a lot quicker if you wave a couple of chocolate buttons at them

My little grandson loves pasta with veg in, loves real (homemade) curries, loves fish, fruit etc. But at 2.5 he also loves the odd biscuit or cake... as a treat. Don't make food 'good' or 'bad' just balanced, with good teeth brushing!

This won't last much longer though. Your h is obviously unreasonable though.
Kids are contrary though. Dd1 was exclusively baby led weaned and ate steamed veg very happily. She's 14 now and is v unfussy and doesn't overload on junk. Dd2 was blw but ate what dd1 and I ate rather that the v worthy food I made for dd1. Dd2 is sugar obsessed like most children. Both still drink water more than anything else. Persevere with that one it's pretty easy.

Everything in moderation op. The occasional unhealthy meal won't cause any harm and you will have to relax when your child gets older. Remember there are 2 parents and you need to let dh have some control too.

I absolutely love healthy eating. I have a raw vegetable smoothie every morning, am 7 years teetotal, very clean and healthy vegan diet etc and my children's diet and health is SO important to me. I get it. But the kids had their friends over last night and I made fish fingers & waffles for everyone with squash and angel delight. Everyone had a lovely time and the dentist always compliments me on how excellent my kids' (5 and 1.5) teeth are.

We eat healthily but there is a balance to be had.

My friend has a little bowl of chocolates at child level and she says she can always tell the children who eat like your child as they always go crazy over the bowl and it has to be taken away, whereas the kids who have the odd chocolate here and there are pretty unfussed by it and have 1 or 2 then go to play. Think carefully about which category you'd want your child to be in in a couple of years.

Your DH is wrong and also projecting his own ideas about what is “nice food”. My dd ate a similar diet when she was little. She is now a teen and while she loves a bit of chocolate etc, she naturally favours fresh, healthy food as that’s what she enjoys eating.

Of course YANBU. I've got 3 DCs, and they were all super healthy eaters at that age.
Pretty much all of them are. It's the age where they're curious about textures and tastes, and they're open to trying a variety.

Mine are grown now, so I'm very well aware that this stage doesn't always last.
They all went through stages - loving broccoli/corn/parsnips/whatever, then hating them the following week.

It's all exploration.

I don't like the sound of your DH trying to force crisps, because there's no need at 20 months old.
But, a wee taste of everything in moderation seems a sensible approach as they get older.

Keep going with the healthy food OP. You're doing a good job. I made all my ds' foods once he finished bf, despite ex wanting to feed him some sort of trendy pouches that tasted disgusting, and ds spat out.

Ex's family also had an obsession with 'kids should be allowed to drink Coke' and tried to get ds to try it, whenever I wasn't present. Thankfully ds hated it.

He's 15 now, still only drinks water and still prefers cherry tomatoes and fruit to sweets. He's growing fast and in serious snack mode so the fruit bowl is piled high each week, and constantly making scrambled eggs and beans on toast.

I think it's your rejection of their lifestyle that they object to. Maybe it feels like you're judging them, when you are just trying to do your best.

I say you are not being unreasonable AT ALL. You are paving the way for healthy eating throughout her life. When she is introduced to the ick preservatives etc hopefully she will chose the healthy choices and I'm sure it will taste like trash to her anyway. I have had this same conversation with the person I co parent with. So frustrating

This is all about degrees. I think cake and chips are part of a normal diet, they just should be an irregular part due to them being high in calories and fat/sugar.

Crisps are different IMO, and ultra-processed food in general definitely should be avoided.

Two unhealthy things in many people's diets are commercial bread and commercial breakfast cereal, whereas chips from the chip shop are actually OK so long as you are not eating them often.

So overall I guess I am more siding with your DH. Beware being excessively controlling as that can lead to different problems.

Hi, OP!

I think this is great and it's going to be amazing for your DD to go through life knowing that a 'normal' diet is a healthy one, rather than having to learn this an adult.

Sorry - pressed send too soon. But I also think it's important that you don't split food into 'good/bad' categories

YANBU

I offer everything in moderation to my children, they've been allowed crisps/chocolate/sweets etc and we don't have "good food" and "naughty food". Because of this they've grown up being able to make good choices - even at age 6 DS prefers cucumber, carrot and peppers over anything else! Perfect teeth, drinks water, milk, squash and occasional lemonade. I never think overly restrictive and obsessive diets where certain foods are banned is a good thing and like a previous poster said these are usually the kids that go nuts and gorge on stuff as they get older.

Obviously she doesn't need crisps etc, but just be careful that you're not being overly restrictive. A healthy diet for a toddler is not the same as a healthy diet for an adult. She needs fat, calcium, protein etc. The example you gave is that she picks vegetables over meat and carbs - but this is not necessarily a good thing if she's always doing it, to the exclusion of those things. She needs carbs for energy and meat for protein, iron, vit b12 etc. She also needs full fat milk, cheese, yoghurt etc. Just sharing from my own experience, as I made the mistake of giving one of my kids a very "healthy" (to an adult standard) diet and it caused gut issues.

There's really nothing much wrong with an occasional home made cake. Or dark chocolate for example. Neither liked sweets or milk chocolate. My kids had a variety of food, but I'm very much of the old style everything in moderation. Both have grown up to have excellent diets in adulthood and are very good cooks. They actually eat better than I do.

The only "bad" period we had was with DD2, who had a "pink milk" phase. Thanks Charlie and Lola. I went with it as she wasn't a keen breakfast eater, so a big glass of strawberry milk was the best I could get into her in the morning, but that eventually pettered out too. Actually breakfasts are always hard in this family, as we generally went with the continental, pastries/cake model, but every other meal was healthy.

You are correct to feed your 20 month old healthy food, as long as you can.

When children are older I believe in "everything in moderation", but a 20-month old doesn't need crisps/cake.

I have 3.5 year old twins. I home-cooked everything from scratch. They now love all veg, fruit, meat, fish, cheese, youghurt, pasta, potato, etc, and their meals are still all very healthy.

Now they are a bit older, they have some snack food. One twin loves PomBears and Tucs, but hates anything sweet. The other has a sweet tooth and loves jellies, cake, biscuits. They are also asking for things they see their classmates eat at pre-school, e.g. PetitFilou. So now they have this stuff in moderation, but luckily, still devour their healthy meals.

Sugar and fat are addictive - setting a child up to be addicted early in life is really not a good thing. Your DP is being a knob - suggest to him that deliberately making a child addicted to foods that are harmful is a twat thing to do.

Stick to what you are doing. It sounds great. My 3 year old DS doesn’t eat much sweets. But when he gets them, demands more! A bit of ice cream is fine, when out. Once they are older they’ll want to eat all sorts of crap, so as long as you are in charge keep up the good stuff. My DH brings DS to McDonalds, buys biscuits / cake because it’s easier…

I don’t think what you’ve described is “unusually healthy”. Not for me or where I live. Its pretty normal to food babies this way.

As a family we all eat healthier food. My 13 is probably the worst amongst us as she does eat crisps most days and we may have chips once a week or fortnight. But you can just chop up potatoes and make them yourself to avoid the rubbish oils they put on shop bought.

I’m not sure about the “chopping up a banana in McDonald’s”. McDonald’s is rubbish food. Just don’t go there at all.

Your DH is a dick.
We had a family member continually give coke to their kid to get used to it when they didn’t like it and refused it so they would drink it! Bananas

Maybe have a chat and find a compromise? After DD is 3 the chances are that they will be exposed to 'treat' food at parties and you don't want it to seem like such a novelty that they go overboard, or seen them as a banned item that's a super treat and when older with free reign end up eating them to excess just because they can..

Hope that makes sense. Mine is 4.5. Has water mostly but a carton of juice or cup of squash when having takeaway/a meal. Has a few sweets after trick or treating. Has an ice lolly most days when it is hot weather (not super high in sugar but a juice one). He has fruit for pudding most days but cake/biscuits when we have done some baking

I would try to veer towards 'balance' where the sweet/fatty things aren't rare enough that they seem like the most amazing rare treat in the world, but also that they aren't a staple in every day eating

When does he want to give her crisps? Or is he saying you should give her crisps?

TBH, I see nothing wrong with him feeding her whatever snack he feels like (within sensible limits) when he's looking after her, and you feeding her what you want when you are caring for her.

I have one DS who eats anything put in front of him, prefers savoury, and only occasionally has puddings and only drinks water or milk, and one who's drunk anything he could get his hands on since a toddler and has to be monitored/restricted with sweet things/snacks, and pretty much lives on breaded chicken and steak/burgers with vegetables eaten only because I make him (even though he actually likes them.. or at least doesn't dislike them)

Same treatment food-wise as they've grown up, just entirely different children.