to want DD to eat as healthily as possible

[justchekking]

DD is 20 months old and has been eating a very healthy diet until now, since switching from baby food it's mainly been vegetables and meat with rice, pasta etc, mostly home made, with fresh fruit as snacks, no white sugar at all, and avoiding preservatives etc in foods. She had some health issues as a baby and is likely to have some difficulties later, and I want her to have the best chances for a healthy childhood and later.

During arguments about other (trivial) things, DH is bringing up me controlling what she eats to much and that he wants her to eat crisps, chips, cakes, and "tasty food", even though it's very clear she really enjoys vegetables, and on the odd occasion she's had fish fingers etc, she's much less keen on it than vegetables. I appreciate her current diet is unusually healthy, but she's not only thriving she's also eating her healthy food enthusiastically (often choosing the veg over meat/carbs), and isn't yet aware that she's "missing out" on anything.

I try to encourage DH to read up about the importance of diet in early childhood, why preservatives are bad, etc, but he just refuses to and just "wants" her to eat nice food. I quote "We're giving her water to drink because you like water, I like crisps so why can't we give her crisps?" (I hope it's obvious we're not giving her water because "I like water", it's because it's the best thing for her to drink)

I know we won't be able to carry on with this in the very long term due to social pressures on her, but I'd like her to eat as healthily as possible while we can, and not introduce junk food for the sake of it, when what we're doing seems to be working well. So I'm trying to resist.

Am I being unreasonable?

My DD is just over 3. When I was weaning she only ate home cooked puréed vegetables, fruit and then pasta and rice and of course protein which was always unprocessed so no ham, sausages etc... We also only have plain yoghurt and no sweet food at all. We did this until she was about 2 and a half. That Easter was the first time she was allowed one mini Lindt bunny and then for her birthday I made a chocolate cake. She only drinks water and milk.

She still only eats steamed vegetables, salads, fruit then protein and carbs at home. We still only eat plain yoghurt as I don't see the point of giving her sweetened yoghurt when she's happy with what she has. However at school they will give fruit yoghurts and the odd cake or biscuit for dessert. So I'm a little more relaxed about it now, but we still don't give them at home. DD eats really well, loves her food and doesn't badger for sweet foods so we are happy staying on this course as long as possible.

We'll probably let her have something sweet for the Christmas meal but that will probably be it.

The main thing is you do what you think is best. I don't think there is any benefit introducing lower nutrition food too early, certainly not before 2 in my opinion. But equally if she is at Nana's and they giver her a biscuit that's probably fine too.

I actually think the biggest thing I wouldn't compromise on is water and milk only. It is so important for their teeth to stay away from sweetened drinks. Our dentist has told us such horror stories of having to pull young children's milk teeth out because they are so rotten and she said sweetened drinks are the key culprit.

The best way to encourage good eating habits is to model them.

YANBU. Whilst she’s young she should eat as healthy as possible. They’ll be plenty of time for treats like crisps when she starts going to parties etc.

Hmm. I'm
Not sure, the diet sounds good and impressive for a toddler. But my mum was the same as you and as soon as I had freedom I binged and became fat and obsessed with chocolate etc. It's taken years to get a normal
Balanced approach to food and I still struggle. I'm trying to teach DD (2) that cakes and biscuits are just normal food to be enjoyed in moderation. No idea if that will work bette r though it's all a minefield!! At least you've got a reason rather than DH who just wants her to eat same as him lol

I just mean that's what she picks first from the plate (she seems to start with her favourite and eats all of that before moving to the second-fave etc). She does then go on to eat most or all the rest of the food on the plate most of the time. And that does include meat with most meals, cheese, as well as carbs such as rice, wheat etc. So it's not even that limited. And she has had some fish fingers etc by exception, but I'm trying to resist because knowing what I know, I feel once an inch is given a mile will be taken, and once we go down the path of relaxing on certain foods, it will only snowball.

In fairness he's only wanting to give her crisps/chocolate/etc himself when he's looking after her, he's not trying to insist I do so too. My concern is that once you open the floodgates, it'll be bye-bye broccoli even when I'm in charge! And more than anything I'm keen to avoid cheap foods with additives in them, if she's eating that half the time, the damage is done, especially to things like gut health etc.

Thanks for all your thoughtful responses, pleanty of food for thought from everyone, and maybe especially those advising caution on being too rigid etc. But also appreciate knowing that most people feel IANBU. I'll think some more on all of this.

YANBU. I do remember those days when my toddlers were only ever going to stick to the super healthy diet of homemade vegetable amd protein goodness. I batched cooked Annabel Carmel, like a domestic saint. They were breastfed for 18 months and drank only water and milk until about 3. I delighted in telling everyone what wonderful, perfect diets they had. Then it all came crashing down, when they hit about 3.5 and became beige food lovers, with a few peas and sweetcorn. They expanded their diets again about age 10. The only thing I can still cling to is that they still don't drink fizzy drinks through their own choice 😅
Enjoy this time OP. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones, with a 5 year old veg and lentil lover. Stick to your guns against your DH, he's being silly.

YANBU. A 20 month old doesn’t need snack food.

I opened this thread fully prepared to think you were in the wrong- I thought you were going to be one of the zealot Mums that would never allow bad food. But honestly you are so right in your approach. At that age everything tastes good to her. Her kidneys don’t need rubbish to filter out, they are tiny. Your and DH job at the moment is to promote a healthy range of nutritional foods, doing this later on is so much harder.

My Mum told me I was “mean” because I wouldn’t give my children orange squash to drink in preference to water, subsequent silly, sad face pulling every time I filled up a water bottle. But I only had to see her once a month so could easily ignore. Not sure what to advise about your idiotic husband who wants to stuff her full of crisps and unhealthy food for his own gratification, which it is because she doesn’t know about such food.

DD likes a range of food and definitely has a sweet tooth, we are easy about it but we don’t go out of our way to give her tuff that isn’t great for her. We eat out a lot and she loves a dessert menu but we always buy one thing and share it. I wouldn’t actively go out of my way to encourage her to eat stuff that isn’t good for her but we don’t restrict heavily either. Also if she has health concerns that is the priority, her wellbeing.

Completely agree with your approach @justchekking 😊 Mine is now 3 and it’s going well for us so far.

At about 2.5 he started paying more attention to things he seen on the supermarket etc and what was on menus when we went out to eat and i followed his lead on that. One day he seen Easter eggs in the shop and he was fascinated so i told him it was chocolate and that the easter bunny sometimes brought them. He was so excited to get one on Easter morning, got stick straight into it, had about 2 bites and handed me it back saying it was a but weird and sticky 😂 left it in the kitchen where he could see it and eventually binned it after him never asking for it again 😂

Similarly when out for a meal, i read him the menu and let him pick what he wants. I don't worry about what he picks even its not the healthiest or most balanced meal because i know everything else he gets is cooked from scratch and low in salt etc so i see it more as an opportunity for him to try things & make choices. Same goes for dessert, he saw a kid with ice cream at a restaurant and wanted on. No issue. Ordered him it, he ate some and said he was done 🤷🏻‍♀️ He asked for it again months later but aside from that has never mentioned it.

I don’t keep any other drinks in the house bar water and milk. And I’m strict on teeth brushing

What do you and DH eat? If you routinely eat more or the less the same kinds of things that you give your DD, then I don't really see what your DH's problem is. But if you and he enjoy a pizza or a bacon sandwich or fish and chips occasionally, I think it would be slightly odd if you didn't offer a bit to your DD now and again too.

Ultimately, you're not harming your DD by giving her fresh meat, fruit and veg, rice, pasta etc, so potentially your DH is BU if he's literally just saying that she needs to try chicken nuggets for the sake of trying them, or if he's suggesting that her current diet is making her miserable (it clearly isn't as she likes vegetables). It's great that she's enjoying what she eats and if those are the kins of things you're cooking for you and DH anyway, it's convenient too. However... you do sound a little bit over-anxious and rigid about this. For example, you've latched on to 'preservatives' as something harmful (plenty of preservative ingredients are natural, and even the artificial ones are generally perfectly safe) and it sounds like you might be a little bit paranoid about her diet. So definitely bear in mind that you probably don't need to be quite so uncompromising with what she eats.

Is she eating things like cheese and yogurt? Eggs? Does she drink milk? Is she having the chance to try things with strong flavours? She can have a 'healthy' diet without being limited to meat, veg and rice.

Essentially, if your DH means: 'It's not fair to deprive a child of junk food, she must have a cake to ensure her happiness' then he's being unreasonable.

If he actually means: 'You are being a bit obsessive over what DD eats - a few chips or a slice of pizza once in a while aren't going to hurt her and you need to lighten up' then he's not being unreasonable.

I would also add that, while she loves her veg now, that might not continue as she gets older. My nephew would happily feast on all sorts of veg when he was her age, and he also liked things like salmon fillets, baked cod etc. Then suddenly he got to about two and a half and started rejecting them all and barely a vegetable passed his lips between then and the age of about 16!! Fingers crossed your DD carries on enjoying her lovely veg, but be prepared just in case!

This sounds very much like exh and I when ours were young. We both compromised slightly as they were both of our children. Junk wasn’t regular and never a ‘treat’ but it also wasn’t banned.

They are now all adults and have a healthy appetite and healthy relationship with food.

You're doing well OP - fish, nuts and seeds are good to get in there as well.

There are healthier ways to give her a bit of what he's talking about eg cakes that are homemade and maybe made to healthier recipe, a couple of crisps on a plate along with other things, chips made at home and baked with just a little oil, etc.

@fearfuloffluff nuts aren't safe for under 5s, they are a choking hazard.

Be careful. SIL was like this and now her kids are ar secondary school they eat chocolate every day and chips as often as they can.
One of them is at risk of becoming overweight. SIL can't understand it but I'm sure it's because she didn't let them have any treats at all when they were younger.
Obviously at your DDs age it's fine as she's only going to eat what you give her but I'd be wary of never giving her a bit of chocolate or cake as she gets older.

I used to grind nuts and seeds and stir them into porridge, sprinkle over yogurt etc. there are also nut butters and you can make your own.

great protein, minerals and healthy fats for brain development. Perfect for young children.

@Melassa I agree fully and do all that for me and my kids too but the poster didn't mention that so I thought some sort of safety warning was needed!

This always gets trotted out and from what I’ve seen with DD and her friends it’s total bollocks. Although I agree you can become over worthy with a joyless diet if you overdo it.

the crap can be introduced in later primary age but absolutely no need at 3/4/5. When choosing “treats” (I really hate that term) go for quality over UPF shite. Make your own cakes, not that complex and you can make microwave cake in a mug which is really simple and quick. Go for good quality ice cream with a very short list of ingredients and real fruit/chocolate/vanilla in it. Use plain yogurt you sweeten yourself instead of buying the sugar laden crap marketed at children.

Remember most of the rubbish aimed at our children is to reel them in and get them hooked on artificial flavours and excess sweetness. If you get your children used to real food you can train their palate away from UPFs, so if they do develop a sweet tooth in their teens they’re less likely to crave the kind of food that is not only devoid of nutrients but creates a craving.

@bakewellbride sorry, I wasn’t contradicting you, I meant to reinforce what you were saying but share alternative ways to get nuts into kids. It’s been a long day and my powers of expression have abandoned me.

Just saying what I have seen but maybe there's another reason why they eat so much rubbish now (peer pressure maybe).
Seems a bit of a coincidence though.

Yanbu but yeah at birthday parties the kids who only eat health stuff at home stand out because they’re always desperate to get their hands on the sugar.

imo for slightly older children you need to give them sugar and teach them how to enjoy it in moderation so it’s not this ‘bad’ / exciting thing they can’t have unless it’s a special occasion. I have a couple of friends where their dc have eating disorders now and have been binging in secret.

You’re not doing badly by your daughter and your intentions are wonderful. BUT – building a healthy attitude to food is not about exclusion. It’s about variation, recognising satiety and balance. She’s very little now, but exposure to the foods she will grow very quickly into encountering is very important, I think.

Additionally, it’s brilliant she loves her veg so much, but fats are incredibly important for brain development in toddlers. Please endure she is having full fat options daily.