Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this unethical re discount?

101 replies

ugal · 07/11/2023 18:46

My two siblings and I do joint presents for my parents. Our budget is £50 and we stick within a little way of this either side depending on the exact item chosen. This is the way we've always done things. The reality of this is that the load of choosing, shopping, wrapping falls on me and they just reimburse me the money afterwards - it's just the dynamic. A small part of me resents that this allows them to get away with being useless and getting the credit while I put in all the effort. But in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal and I can't be bothered to change it. It's worth it to me to ensure that my parents get a thoughtful item they will enjoy (which I think is unlikely if siblings left to own devices). This is perhaps irrelevant backstory!

Anyway, currently looking at mum's bday present. I've left it a little late and we need to order over next couple of days. The item I know she wants (because she remarked on it when we were shopping earlier this year) is £149, so exactly at budget. I always look for a discount obviously but have not been able to find somewhere, despite my efforts. The one place I have found which does do a 20% discount requires a minimum spend, which we would not meet.

I have separately been considering another item for myself which is £130. I've been dithering for a couple of months because it is a pricey item. If I bought this item at the same time, a 20% discount would apply to the entire basket (£55 discount, only £26 of which is attributable to my item). We'd also get free shipping. A £26 discount still makes the item borderline for me. A £55 discount makes it a definite yes.

Would AIBU to use the entire discount for my item and ask my siblings to transfer £49.66 for the present? Or is that a form of theft?

OP posts:
PissOffKen · 07/11/2023 20:46

Do it. Keep it to yourself. Just call it admin and handling fee.

WeeOrcadian · 07/11/2023 20:59

NameNew · 07/11/2023 18:50

No, that's not fair to your siblings. You're not contributing to your mother's present - you're making a profit off it in fact.

Oh do fuck off

OP is the only one who bothers to put in the effort, the others just give the money

OP - do it and don't feel guilty

LimePi · 07/11/2023 21:04

Yes do it

QueenImprov · 07/11/2023 21:28

Do it and don't give it a second thought.

Dunnoburt · 07/11/2023 21:32

What they don't know won't hurt them!....

They could always take on the duty themselves....do it!

YireosDodeAver · 07/11/2023 21:34

Of course they should pay full whack. That discount is solely yours.

1415isgreat · 07/11/2023 21:38

Okay so essentially, you are using some of the money they will give for your mums gift - on yourself. CF behaviour.

If sorting out the gift each year causes you so much inconvenience you should stop doing it? Or make it clear some of the money they will pay will cover the cost of your item as you sort out the presents every year anyway.

charlotte361 · 08/11/2023 00:01

What? She wouldn't have it without the mum's gift

YireosDodeAver · 08/11/2023 03:46

Disagree with @1415isgreat
The gift costs £149 which is £49.66 each. If op didn't add anything else to the order it would also require paid p&p so an extra £3ish each maybe. If OP chooses to add to the order it saves on p&p so siblings are better off. They don't lose a penny so no CFery has occurred.

The difference between the single-itwm purchase and the two-item purchase is the actual cost of adding the second item and that is an amount the op can afford. Reducing the price for thr siblings would make it unaffordable for OP so it wouldn't happen anyway.

It could be considered CFery if OP tried to charge her siblings for a share in the P&P that would have been charged on 1 item but is now free. That's not what is happening.

Britneyfan · 08/11/2023 03:59

You are clearly a scrupulously honest person OP but I do think on this occasion, especially if your siblings are comfortably off financially and you have a good relationship generally and wouldn’t charge them extra for a few quid here or there for wrapping paper etc then you should just take the discount, treat yourself and chalk it up to admin costs over the years!

Britneyfan · 08/11/2023 04:01

Also re the person saying you are profiting from and not contributing from your mum’s gift, that’s actually not the case as only £20sth comes off your mum’s gift rather than your own item. So mathematically this is incorrect (and as someone else pointed out the discount wouldn’t apply anyway without your own item). It is true that on this occasion your siblings will be contributing slightly more than you financially but I think in the circumstances you have outlined and as it suits everyone for you to put all the legwork in, that’s ok.

ShatteredPeace · 08/11/2023 04:14

I think you deserve to keep the discount and you should.

Having said that I suspect you would feel so bad about it that you'd a) lose sleep and b) not enjoy your other purchase which would both negate the discount.

Mothership4two · 08/11/2023 04:21

Within the context of everything you have said OP, I would take the discount.

Aprilx · 08/11/2023 04:59

If you are fed up with always being the organiser, then you need to tell your siblings it is their turn, or stop the joint presents. But there is no way you should be profiting off your siblings. I cannot think of a situation in which I would cheat my siblings financially, I think it is disgusting that you are even thinking of it.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 08/11/2023 05:13

The discount is due to the extra money you're spending. Your siblings get a free ride all the time with the gift sourcing process, all the mental processes behind that are done by you. They've benefited from your hard work for years, for once you could benefit from it. I'd happily let my sibling keep the discout in these circumstances.

RosiePeel · 08/11/2023 05:29

I am massively on the fence so did a reverse analysis:

My two siblings and I put in £50 per year for Mum’s birthday present. My sibling always orders it which she says she doesn’t mind doing and I’m not sure she trusts us to get the right thing. We found out this year she ordered an additional item for herself and got a 20% discount on all of it. Meaning essentially my sibling and I paid more than her for my mum’s gift. She didn’t tell us either. If she had we probably would have been fine with it as a little thank you for doing the organising. AIBU to be a bit peed off about this?

I still can’t make my mind up. You sound like a decent person though op! X

Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 08/11/2023 05:49

ShatteredPeace · 08/11/2023 04:14

I think you deserve to keep the discount and you should.

Having said that I suspect you would feel so bad about it that you'd a) lose sleep and b) not enjoy your other purchase which would both negate the discount.

Absolutely this. @ugal you sound like a lovely, moral person and from reading your posts I think you only have 2 options.

  1. your 3rd option. Finding something else to get the discount.
  2. asking your siblings outright.

Because unfortunately, whether or not people say its ok or not ok, I'm not sure you'd be able to live with the morally questionable nature of it and so it would tarnish your enjoyment of your item anyway.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 08/11/2023 06:09

Do it OP. The item costs what it costs, 150 divided by 3. The discount is off the item for yourself. Look at it that way.

MyCircumference · 08/11/2023 06:27

you get the discount, the deal was you all pay £50, which works, and you get the discount on your additional purchase.

Puccini1900 · 08/11/2023 06:35

justwantobeamum · 07/11/2023 19:03

Your siblings are no worse off. If you don’t buy the item they still pay £49.66. Why should you spend £130 to save them £10 each. Just buy your item and take all the discount off your item.

This!

ThinWomansBrain · 08/11/2023 06:37

if its an option, pay to have it gift wrapped

HAF1119 · 08/11/2023 07:16

To keep things above board I would be honest with them.

'The item costs £149, website has a discount when you spend over X and so I was considering buying Y for me as I wanted it but can't afford it, with the money off I can. Are you happy with that? If not I will just buy the £149 item and not get it'

diddl · 08/11/2023 08:14

So if it's £55 discount, £26 of which is for your item, then £30 is for your Mum's item-which is £10 each-or have I misunderstood?

So you are asking your siblings for a tenner more each than they owe?

Are things really that tight for you?

Peablockfeathers · 08/11/2023 08:19

Do it, they're only spending what the agreed budget was and they're presumably content that the item is worth the original amount. If they're that bothered they could spend time and mental energy sorting the presents!

Original poster
ugal · 08/11/2023 08:44

ShatteredPeace · 08/11/2023 04:14

I think you deserve to keep the discount and you should.

Having said that I suspect you would feel so bad about it that you'd a) lose sleep and b) not enjoy your other purchase which would both negate the discount.

Thanks - I think this is right so I'm not going to do it. Although the majority of the comments have been supportive there is enough of a minority that it clearly is a bit of a grey area. I could ask my siblings but I don't really want to - not because they will think it's outrageous (I'm sure they'd say to go ahead) but because it just doesn't feel v in keeping with our relationship to ask to benefit from a relatively small amount of money in this way.

So secret third option it is - I'll find a Christmas present that qualifies us for the discount (discount kicks in at £200). That way I'm still saving myself 20% off two presents and my item (trainers - for the person who was desperate to know!) may well come up in Black Friday anyway.

Thank you for the comment that pointed out that it's not right to think of my item as being the one that qualifies us for the discount when it is both items. I think that is better logic even though it appears that way as the 'add on' item.

A few other thoughts:

  • No, things aren't tight enough that I need to ask them for £10 each - it's just that I wouldn't ordinarily spend £130 on trainers. I think this thread is a good example of how you can attribute money in lots of different ways and how it can change how you think about it.
  • Being the organiser means I often am entrusted with sometimes fairly large sums of money. I have always behaved scrupulously - e.g. claiming and passing on flight delay payments for the group when no one else would think to do that/be aware of it. So I don't want to do anything that would make anyone doubt how I've behaved previously or lose trust in my ability to perform that role.
  • For people saying I need to speak up/change the present sorting, I think you can occasionally be a bit peeved at aspects of a family dynamic and also decide that overall it serves you well enough/ you don't care enough to want to change it. In an ideal world one of them would say "hey I've thought of the perfect gift for dad. Shall I order?" and it would all be sorted - but that's just not going to happen.
  • The comment which said I didn't trust them to shop gave me pause a bit - but I guess that is ultimately true. I do feel pretty confident that if it were delegated to them it wouldn't happen, or wouldn't happen well (or might fall on their partners). Present buying is not their strength or 'love language' - they support me in other ways. I also probably wouldn't want to be party to a present they were choosing because I think they would get it wrong - £150 is a lot of money to 'waste', including £50 of my money. I also like to know my parents (particularly mum who likes nice things and doesn't treat herself much) are getting something they genuinely will like; I'd be sad for her if I handed over to them/we did our own thing and she ended up with a toiletry set she wouldn't use from both of them.
  • I also reap the benefits of being the organiser e.g. plans are things I think are nice (obvi I plan with the group in mind but e.g. I get to choose restaurant). My family is also very close; I'm sure that's in part due to my efforts of doing the 'thoughtful' things and organising time together.
  • Yes, the comments about me overthinking/sweating the small stuff are very fair (and evidenced by the length of this message!)
OP posts: