Is this unethical re discount?

[ugal]

My two siblings and I do joint presents for my parents. Our budget is £50 and we stick within a little way of this either side depending on the exact item chosen. This is the way we've always done things. The reality of this is that the load of choosing, shopping, wrapping falls on me and they just reimburse me the money afterwards - it's just the dynamic. A small part of me resents that this allows them to get away with being useless and getting the credit while I put in all the effort. But in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal and I can't be bothered to change it. It's worth it to me to ensure that my parents get a thoughtful item they will enjoy (which I think is unlikely if siblings left to own devices). This is perhaps irrelevant backstory!

Anyway, currently looking at mum's bday present. I've left it a little late and we need to order over next couple of days. The item I know she wants (because she remarked on it when we were shopping earlier this year) is £149, so exactly at budget. I always look for a discount obviously but have not been able to find somewhere, despite my efforts. The one place I have found which does do a 20% discount requires a minimum spend, which we would not meet.

I have separately been considering another item for myself which is £130. I've been dithering for a couple of months because it is a pricey item. If I bought this item at the same time, a 20% discount would apply to the entire basket (£55 discount, only £26 of which is attributable to my item). We'd also get free shipping. A £26 discount still makes the item borderline for me. A £55 discount makes it a definite yes.

Would AIBU to use the entire discount for my item and ask my siblings to transfer £49.66 for the present? Or is that a form of theft?

This. Go for it OP. Don’t feel guilty about it.

Yanbu. The present is not eligible for the discount because it is under the spend limit so that money is spent getting the gift your mum wants and saving your siblings any hassle of ordering/wrapping etc.

The choice is do you want to spend the extra it will cost for your purchase which is £55 cheaper than usual because it is purchased at the same time as your mum's gift. Absolutely do it. Your mum's gift is not eligible for the discount the only choice is on the extra.

You know what OP it is lovely to see a genuine philosophical ethical dilemma on here.

Forget all about ‘I deserve it for my time over the years.’ That’s irrelevant and yes exactly how corruption starts.

Decide instead. If you didn’t want anything from the shop, is this still the exact item you would choose for your mum? Or might you buy something else?

If you would definitely get this for your mum, add it to your basket, charge your siblings £49 each, and then add anything else you want. If the extra items are reduced in price - that’s fine.

What I am saying is that it’s ethically fine to use 100% of the discount against your item, as it is your extra item that creates the discount, but it is only ok to do this for the right reasons. It is not ok to do it because you think you’re owed something. It’s also not ethical to choose that particular item as your mum’s present because you also want something from that shop. But if this is definitely what your mum wants then buy it and enjoy your discount.

The other way of looking at it is that your siblings should still pay the £50 as it’s the budget but the saving could mean you can get something else for your mum. Does sharing the discount if it’s with your DM feel like something you’d prefer?

I'd do it, think of it as the admin fee for sorting out the present every year.

"Perks of the job" as it were.

Thank you all, these are helpful posts. To respond to some of them:

• my siblings definitely would not actually like to help with the purchasing - I actually had a little chuckle at this comment!
• I expect if I told them they would be absolutely fine with it. One thing they are not is mean and they are both comfortably off. Feels a bit like that's maybe the way - to get their express consent. I feel a bit awkward doing that but it might be easiest!
• I don't think I'd be annoyed with them if they did similar. Definitely not if they had historically done all the present buying - maybe a little bit if they decided to pitch in now and did it.
• Yes, I do do more generally/am the family organiser - although I'm fortunate that my parents don't need any practical help so this is mostly nice things like choosing our family holidays.
• When the present is eligible for a discount in its own right (which is almost always the case) I always split the discount.
• I never charge them for wrapping or cake/candles which I often sort. I do charge them for shipping - they'd be benefitting from free shipping here. We sort our own cards (actually I expect they might not always send one) - I know normally a card would accompany a gift but usually I send my card by post to arrive on the day and then we gift the present in person at the birthday celebration which might be at the weekend.
• Mum's present selection absolutely hasn't been influenced by my own interests - I had noted it several months ago when mum admired and it's quite a specific brand item. It's only when I was trying various discount codes at checkout that this occurred to me.
• I wouldn't generally 'make up the difference' with another gift for mum unless the present we'd chosen felt obviously less valuable. £50 is a guide - if I'd found the perfect thing for £40pp we'd just pay that.

The 'gold standard' comment (although supportive of me) is actually the one that has given me the most pause. I try/want to be a gold standard moral person!

Go ahead and apply the full discount to the item you want for yourself.

Your siblings and you will still each pay £50 for your parents gift, as agreed.

Without you doing the legwork/if it was left to your siblings,your parent wouldn't ever get a decent gift.

It's called reaping the benefit. A bit like collecting air miles from a business trip.

And don't feel any guilt, you have earned it.

I suppose the other thing I coulllld do is decide what we're getting mum/dad for Xmas now (which is a little ahead of where I am in my planning process but I expect I could get there) and try to get it from the same place (dept store) so we all benefit from the discount.

I genuinely have only thought of that secret third option now by the way (in my attempts to be a gold standard ethical person!).

I agree.

Either way you wouldn’t get the discount without the double purchase so the ethical thing to do is to take off the 20% from each purchase. Sorry that’s how I would see it.

Use the discount for your purchase.

Then do yourself a favour and stop overthinking the small stuff.

Now I'm thinking of the Moral Philosophy jokes from The Good Place.

I agree that your siblings are no worse off.

Or could you give them say £10 each discount as a compromise.

Oh give over 🙄

I’ve never seen a MN thread that actually reflects how most people react in real life.

Usually it’s all ‘oh my word how could you possibly claim under 5s discount on DS’s 5th birthday trip to the zoo’.

Do it. The additional item isn’t costing your siblings any more (it’s saving them the shipping cost in fact) and is a nice bonus item for yourself.

The alternative is that you wouldn’t have bought the item if you didn’t get the big discount in which case they’d still be paying the same regardless.

OP, gold standard morals are highly subjective. It's obvious you're a good person and this won't detract from that in the slightest. Also, don't exhaust yourself with every decision you make. You're clearly a person with solid values and, as long as you have that, you wont ever go far wrong. Don't sweat the details too much.

I think you'd only be in a morally grey area if the item itself was on sale and you charged your siblings the full £50. If you wanted to be absolutely transparent, you could tell your siblings what you've done after the fact in general conversation but I'd do it more of an FYI than a "would you mind?".

I don't know know why, but I really want you to have this item now... whatever the hell it is 🤣. I feel like you deserve it.

Nope, if you are absolutely stuck on the concept of paying less towards your mum's present over it, consider it your commission for sorting presents all this time. Don't say anything. And I'm normally someone with a stick up my arse about "fairness".

This is true... but is it because what I am doing is not unethical or because most people can excuse what they consider to be minor/justifiable ethical lapses? Can't think of an example now but I feel like I have read articles over the years with various social experiments that show that people are ok with perceived victimless crimes etc. I agree with the PP who said it is an interesting philosophical Q, which is why I posted!

Sorry to be all holier than thou but I would not claim a discount in your scenario (am in a profession which is big on integrity so I always try to be whiter than white. I'm also fortunate not to be struggling financially which I don't doubt makes it a million times easier).

If you took the cost of the item, plus shipping, plus wrapping paper etc then it would cost more than the budget. So they are basically getting this item at a discount ie free shipping and free wrapping paper.
So YANBU because you are giving them free shipping and just think of it as you are getting a great deal on your item.

Do it and consider it recompense for your hours of time doing this every.single.time.

I wouldn't even think twice. You're being paid for your many years of labour.

I would still take their contribution as agreed & enjoy the discount. They don’t do the shopping/Wrapping year after year. That’s what I would do!

I would take it as you wouldn't get the discount if you weren't adding your item and you would still all need to contribute 50 each. I would keep the discount as a little reward for the effort you put in