Work drinks after work

[SloopyDoodle]

A colleague of mine organises work socials going out drinking normally once a month. It is usually something like 5:30pm on a weekday. I can never attend these as I do the nursery pick ups (husband does drop offs) I could always attend a lot later (e.g. turn up at 7pm) but I don't really want to as I'm knackered from working all day and then parenting, cooking, cleaning! AIBU? I'm the only one in our team who is a parent and most people go. I feel guilty I can never go but I'm knackered all the time, I also don't drive so it means waiting around for buses and getting back really late and then I have to be up again at 5:30 am - 6am to do it all again. When I say I can't my colleague says "next time we'll try a time that's convenient for you!" And I feel awkward as in this stage of life I'm not sure when that would even be (no family or friend help close to us for childcare, my husband and I have a date night about once a year).

This has mainly become a thing post pandemic because we work hybridly now, I like my colleagues but feel like I see them enough really and want to see my own family. What are peoples thoughts?

I don't think it's that outlandish to not be mad keen on going out with the people you work with five days a week and to prioritise your family and friends.

It's once a month! 🤣🤣🤣

You start off your post as though you’re annoyed that your childcare arrangements aren’t considered when arranging these drinks but then end it that you don’t actually want to go, I don’t really understand. If you don’t want to go what’s the issue?

If you don't want to go, don't go. Its not the right time of life for you for this stuff, and you don't sound like you want to anyway. I never go out with folk from the office other than once a year. We are just colleagues and I'm not bothered. Back when I was 25 and child free I was constantly in the pub with colleagues. They are still my mates now 25 years later. Do what suits you.

She prioritises her family literally every single day. Doing something solo for a couple of hours at most once a month won't change that.

We're talking about one night a month. It's hardly outrageous!

I think it's Equality, Diversity and Inclusivity (but could be wrong!). When applied in the right setting it's obvs v important. I think after work drinking socials are fine and at my workplace it's not about the drinking, lots drink alcohol free options. I don't go as I have DC and also wfh, I could make arrangements but I actually don't want to go (when I was younger I would have jumped at the chance). At my work there are other opportunities though to socialise such as team lunches and all staff away days so I don't feel I'm completely missing out.

I don't see the issue in saying no and neither should the person you're telling. Don't feel bad about it.

I always turn down our work socials because I've got my own friends and don't really fancy hanging out with colleagues outside the office. For me it's also a faff with a long drive home and a young child, so it's really not worth it.

That’s a bit different from casual drinks for an hour or so organised by a colleagues which anyone can go to at no expense (other than a drink).

Not sure if you regret not being able to attend OP, or whether you somehow feel guilty or obligated to go - but it is not, and should not be mandatory. Speaking personally, I could not care less, and thank Heaven that it is not a 'thing' in my work environment, apart from the odd leaving or retirement function. But, for very personal reasons, I dislike bars and pubs, crowded environments, drinking and pub culture and being in close proximity to alcohol anyway, so it would be my idea of purgatory and Hell on earth!

Noone's being unreasonable, are they?

There are work drinks. You don't want to go to them and politely pretend you might if they were different. Your colleague, also politely, pretends they'll plan them for a different time next time knowing they won't because you won't come anyway.

Seems a standard work situation.

This says exactly what I was going to say!
A couple of my very best friends are people that I worked with and went to the pub with about 15 years ago.

My ten penneth...

It's fine to join post-work pub if you want to.

It's fine to not join post-work pub if you don't want to.

It's fine for you to organise a work lunch social or afternoon tea or whatever time suits you better.

It is not fine to expect others to change their plans, or complain about their plans.

Bonus not-fine points for complaints of this type from people who never organise any work socials themselves! Maybe that isn't you OP. But as a work social organiser, it really gets my goat!!!

Your work wouldn't tolerate colleagues socialising in their own time with each other??

I don’t think you’re being U but is there no way you can make it occasionally, either if your DH takes a bit of leave or requests flexibility as a one off? For me the social occasions I have been able to manage after work have really helped establish good connections with my colleagues and I know more junior colleagues find them particularly useful too.

Lol
i get you but if I go out for a drink with the team , I don’t want to sip orange juice and chat (been doing that all day with them).
Id want a glass of fizz and a let your hair down laugh 😂

I’m not clear if you actually want to go or not. If you don’t want to go - no probs, just politely decline/don’t turn up. No need to feel bad - it’s a big group invitation and no one is going to be offended!!

if you do want to go - then with notice once a month I would arrange childcare.

And re: no one possibly understanding what it feels like to have a life outside of work because they don’t have children…that’s pretty rude tbh. I’m sure many of your colleagues understand what a commitment children are (maybe that’s why they have chosen not to have them) and they are also likely to have commitments of their own. It might be worth going along to one or two of the drinks a year just to get to know people better and be a bit more understanding about their lives and their challenges and sharing your life and your challenges with them. We’re all people! Children or not - you might make some new friends.

If, as it seems to be with some posters on here, the idea of making friends at work is toxic to you then honestly just don’t go. I’ve worked in several places and attended several social events and really understand/am not bothered if people don’t go! I think you’re overthinking

I think feeling tired all the time and a mixture of envy and apathy regarding child-free socialising is completely normal with young children. Personally I always just go anyway because I’m able to but it does sound like you’re temporarily a bit stuck.

MN seems to have such an aversion to having colleagues as friends so these threads usually go the same way

Like some other posters some of my best friends are ex colleagues. I also have friends from school, from the gym and people I have met through others. Typically friends are found in places where you spend time, work being one of those places. So I always laugh at the “I want to spend time with my real friends” comments

Anyway on drinks, my work actually put drinks on for us every week. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don’t. It is not looked down on if I don’t. And it’s certainly not an EDI issue. They actually start at 4pm so those that need to leave can have one before heading off and there are both alcoholic and soft drinks offered.

One thing that always gets shot down is Friday night drinks. That never gets a good take up as that’s when it does feel like it’s eating into personal time

Well I do know these people..
?

This may blow you mind, but some people become friends with the people they work with.