Work drinks after work

[SloopyDoodle]

A colleague of mine organises work socials going out drinking normally once a month. It is usually something like 5:30pm on a weekday. I can never attend these as I do the nursery pick ups (husband does drop offs) I could always attend a lot later (e.g. turn up at 7pm) but I don't really want to as I'm knackered from working all day and then parenting, cooking, cleaning! AIBU? I'm the only one in our team who is a parent and most people go. I feel guilty I can never go but I'm knackered all the time, I also don't drive so it means waiting around for buses and getting back really late and then I have to be up again at 5:30 am - 6am to do it all again. When I say I can't my colleague says "next time we'll try a time that's convenient for you!" And I feel awkward as in this stage of life I'm not sure when that would even be (no family or friend help close to us for childcare, my husband and I have a date night about once a year).

This has mainly become a thing post pandemic because we work hybridly now, I like my colleagues but feel like I see them enough really and want to see my own family. What are peoples thoughts?

Lol. I'm beginning to wonder myself what an EDI compliant event would look like.

If work drinks were at 7 I wouldn't want to go home and then back out, having them straight after work is probably the best time for the majority. Maybe you could organise something for 7 on a different day

I wouldn't work somewhere where the other people were so repugnant to me that I wouldn't occasionally want to have a few drinks with them after work if I was available. (Which the op obviously isn't, so shouldn't feel guilty)

I’m struggling to understand what your ideal alternative would be?
do you just want people to stop socialising after work because you can’t / don’t want to?

@KStockHERO It's an EDI issue on all kinds of levels and not something that'd be tolerated where I work.

Going for an after work drink with a colleague wouldn’t be “tolerated” where you work? Yeah going to call BS on that one.

I thought neither you nor the OP wants to go and associate with plebs work colleagues anyway, so what's it to you if the plebs have some conversations outside of your presence?

Could you ask them to organise a lunch maybe. Or arrange something yourself? Maybe a sober event might appeal to some too. It would be more inclusive (I can't imagine an entire office/team always wanting to get scoobied). If its all about the booze you're at a different stage in your life so you mightn't be missing much.

People can arrange work drinks off the clock without it being an EDI issue! If you can go, you go, if not (childcare, yoga class, dog) then don't. It's nice if there can sometimes be e.g afternoon cakes to factor in people who can't do after work stuff but you might need to organise it yourself.

You also don't need to stay all evening, just have 1 and go. If you want to go, swap pickups with your husband that day. It's nice to do the occasional bit of work socialising, despite what some mumsnetters think.

I always say no, like you am the only one with children and I don't think they realise my day is not done once work is over.

YANBU. I wouldn't want to either. You spend all day with those people - why would you want to spend hours out of work with them too?

It would be an EDI issue at my workplace too. Exclusion of people mostly women) with caring responsibilities - so a form on indirect sex discrimination. Perhaps you could organise a lunchtime or breakfast event? Not exactly a big drinking session but a compromise. My team had some great pre-work breakfasts.

This is quite a dated way to socialise with work now (at least in multi cultural areas/diverse age group environments I have worked in) as it excludes people with caring commitments and people who are uncomfortable with drinking for whatever reason.
We switched to lunches and did some in office socials (bake day, quiz etc). They took a bit of time out the day but either people made time up or work accepted it for sake of team building.
I would be unimpressed with a work environment where monthly drinks were the only form of socialising.

Okay... I will say this and be flamed.. dont actually care!
I go to work .. do the job...go home.
I am helpful, efficient and pleasant to everyone.
I am paid to work with these people.. some I like a lot, some I tolerate. But none of them I count as friends. I would not choose to socialise with any of them.
My friends are in my private life, which does not overlap with my working life.
I make no excuses for that. It suits me just fine.

You do you.

Jeez there's some fun sponges on MN. Never fails to entertain!

You can’t make the 5.30pm time and you don’t especially want to attend either.

I can’t really see the problem.

It's really not. This is an optional social organised by a colleague not an official or mandatory event.

Anyone who wanted to could organise a breakfast, lunch, or similar to suit people who can flex at different times.

Haha are you being serious?

It's work drink once a month.....

I don’t attend these but the young and childless, older and children grown up and moved out have really lost their social life since lockdown. I didn’t realise what a big impact until a conversation with a single colleague the other day. Let them have their drinks and politely decline.
My husband has started going out for once a week drinks with colleagues and I’m so happy for him. I have lots of friends but I think men have it harder.

Just try and stop feeling bad about it. It is perfectly fine not to manage. Your colleagues would be happy to see you there but also don't care when you are not there (not in a bad way just enjoying what they are doing).

The person saying "we will try and make it a time that suits you next time" likely also feels bad that they cant accomodate you and naturally go with the majority.

Next time it comes up just say something like "oh thanks for thinking of me but i understand after work suits the majority. Tbh with little one I don't drink much anyway as hangover with a toddler is too hard. Have a lovely time"

They want to invite you so you dont feel excluded but they realise you won't manage.

It's a casual social, not a formal event. People are allowed to go to the pub if they like. Official events, yes.

Because some people actually like their colleagues and enjoy a drink away from work every now and then.....

I'm sure there are others from your work who can't make it every time. It's not an issue

Presumably lunch is under time pressure from work. And after work drinks doesn’t mean everyone getting scoobied automatically. I mean, some might want to. Some might have an orange juice and a chat and then go home.

On the fence here. Lots of people don’t have partners or families, drinks after work is fairly standard and teams that are close work better together. Personally, I would go along now and again. As well as telling them I would love to have a weekend get together.

Either way, this isn’t an issue.

Is this an out of work informal gathering or an actual work sponsored thing? I think if it's a more informal thing, then try every other month or so or even every quarter, for your dh to shift work around so that you can attend. Or if they really are still out at 7pm, go home, do nursery collection, and go back out, even once every few months. You don't have to drink an actual drink, have an alcohol free drink just to have a chat for a bit.

Or if this is an official work sponsored thing, I think you can make the case that it's not very friendly to people who have caring responsibilities (not even just children, but other family members) or who have long commutes. I would offer to plan a lunch, either arrange booking a table or organise a potluck sort of thing in the office, because actually this might make it easier for everyone to attend.