Work drinks after work

[SloopyDoodle]

A colleague of mine organises work socials going out drinking normally once a month. It is usually something like 5:30pm on a weekday. I can never attend these as I do the nursery pick ups (husband does drop offs) I could always attend a lot later (e.g. turn up at 7pm) but I don't really want to as I'm knackered from working all day and then parenting, cooking, cleaning! AIBU? I'm the only one in our team who is a parent and most people go. I feel guilty I can never go but I'm knackered all the time, I also don't drive so it means waiting around for buses and getting back really late and then I have to be up again at 5:30 am - 6am to do it all again. When I say I can't my colleague says "next time we'll try a time that's convenient for you!" And I feel awkward as in this stage of life I'm not sure when that would even be (no family or friend help close to us for childcare, my husband and I have a date night about once a year).

This has mainly become a thing post pandemic because we work hybridly now, I like my colleagues but feel like I see them enough really and want to see my own family. What are peoples thoughts?

I never go to this type of thing. They do ten pin bowling once a month and it sounds dire. Tales of how pissed people got.

Honestly, I have half killed myself going to work socials, golf weekends, Apple launches etc that have eaten into my time with my kids and DH, and all the things I need to do at home, and now I just think my employer should judge me on my work, not my willingness to smooze out of work.

There’s no indication at all that anyone is judging the OP on whether she goes. It’s a social event so people can have a chat not a formal evaluation.

Fair enough if it's just a bunch of people doing post work drinks. If it's an office/team event then it's different.

Everywhere I have ever worked has a group that likes to go for unofficial post-work drinks roughly once a month. Some people come, some people don’t. No one thinks any less of the people who don’t.

I used to be all over it. I’d attend the opening of an envelope for a drink and a bit of banter. Less so now I have DD but I don’t begrudge those that do.

What EDI really isn't, is something that prevents people having a drink after work every now and then.

@SloopyDoodle
I see. Well, yes I get what you’re saying but the way you have described what it would be like for you is quite nuts. I know loads of working parents who like to socialise immediately after work and none of them would do what you’ve said.

You would need to arrange for someone else to collect your child, such as your husband (by swapping drop off/pick up with him on that day).

If that isn’t possible and you have no other options for childcare at all (such as a paid babysitter/ after school club or something) then you will have to decline I suppose. But don’t feel bad about it at all.

@AgnesX it's staggeringly obvious that it isn't an official office event.

what @Ellie1015 said. it's nice of them to try and include you but it is okay for you to not want to go. Just let them know it's not for you at this time and wish them well.

I used to work on a hospital ward and one of the nurses hated work events - she was lovely and we all got along but she just didn't want to socialise with anyone from work - we had a night out for her when she was leaving and she worked the late shift so that everyone else could go! We had a great time celebrating what a fab colleague she had been and she wasn't forced into attending something she wouldn't enjoy. it was all very out in the open and accepted with no drama.

OP,

I can’t tell whether you might like to go along a couple of times a year? If not, it is absolutely fine.

It stands out that you don’t seem to have local child care, and I do believe it is important for everyone who can afford the occasional babysitter to get their DC comfortable with a couple of regulars, if only because you never know when you will need them for emergencies. It is also good for you and DH to get out more than once a year!

If you had qualified babysitters, they could pick up the DC if you wanted to go along occasionally. The charm of these events lies in the fact that they happen between work and home. I don’t think people will want to go back out after supper for work-buddy drinks.

In the nicest possible way OP, I don’t think you need to worry about feeling bad because they probably aren’t all that bothered. You don’t want to go anyway, which is totally reasonable, and you can’t very easily, which is fine. They keep extending the invite and tell you they can be flexible with timings in future because they’re nice kind people. But beyond that they’re probably not giving you a second thought when they’re out and about enjoying themselves, so why give any second thoughts to them?

Nothing to feel guilty about, because they’re not pining for you, so no need to waste your precious emotional and energy resources on thinking about it anymore.

YABU. This is a non issue.

Its team drinks after work (which I assume finishes at 5:30pm - hence the 5:30pm start time).

If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Should they cancel the event for everyone as you don’t want to go?

I don’t see why all the rest of your colleagues should delay the start time by 1.5 hours to 7pm to accommodate you. What do you expect everyone to do for those 1.5 hours?

Get you DH to do the pick up once a month if you want to go / or don’t go. Simples….

I have worked in some places where I enjoyed chatting to people who were only a voice on the phone in work. It helped us get along in a different/better way.
On the other hand one place I worked. They were the last 'mates' I would have chosen. Ugh!
Both were M + F teams.

I don't know any young and childless or older and children grown up people who have lost their social life since Covid. Why would their social lives have been more susceptible than other groups?

As for EDI? That is absolutely ridiculous. You could argue that pre work events excludes people with school drop offs, lunch time events exclude part timers or people who use lunchtime to collect kids and bring to the childminder, evening events exclude people studying at night, or people whose train leaves at six or whatever. In other words you could argue that no one is allowed to socialise with colleagues at any time in case some one can't make it.

The world is going bonkers!

A surprising number of work decisions seemed to be made on golf weekends in my first graduate job @cardibach.

YANBU. I’d rather poke sticks in my eyes than go out drinking with colleagues but if invited, I usually politely decline without trying to make up an excuse. If you offer a reason, some idiot will try to argue with you.

I’m almost phobic about being around anyone who is tipsy or drunk so if I attend work lunches or Christmas do’s, I disappear as soon as the meal is finished and before anyone starts suggesting a pub or club.

I'm fine with others going out after work but I’ll do my own thing, thank you very much.

The golf weekends are not specifically the problem though. The problem is a working culture which allows decision making regarding work to take the form of ‘cosy chats’ between members of staff without a proper transparent process involving other relevant people. That happens all the time, no golf course needed.

Going out after work for a pint does not constitute an EDI issue.

OP you aren’t unreasonable for not wanting to go, just politely decline and explain the reasons. Trust me, no-one really minds as much as you might think!

I can’t get my head around this attitude that seems to be all over MN.

Do people not have any friends?

I love DP but I can’t imagine only ever socialising with him / my family.

Friends and social connections are the point of life to me, and I think limiting that to immediate family is so, well, limiting!

You could go, (I used to go for work drinks/dinners when I had a toddler and somehow we managed!) but you don’t want to, which is fine. As long as you don’t want to stop them, and you don’t later complain that you are left out of the close friendship groups developed from them - then no harm done.

Quite.

Do people really only socialise with their family?

Is it a regional thing?

I live in London and it’s perfectly normal among my social circle to socialise not with family at least 1-2 times a week.

Is there really no way of him changing his hours for one day every month or every other month?

Lots of people have set hours but most workplaces allow a little bit of flexibility occasionally as long as you don't take the piss.

It seems bonkers to me! And on a similar vein are the posters who reference having no friends.

I’ve organised some work drinks this week, some people have said yes and some no. Some will stay for one and go home, some will come later and some will stay all night. That’s totally normal and I don’t judge any of them.

Online communities tend to attract a high proportion of extreme introverts who hate the idea of anything beyond minimal interaction with anyone outside their immediate circle. There do seem to be a lot of people on MN who don’t have any friends. I wonder what it’s like to be brought up by such insular people.