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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sending 'sexy' meme to a group chat - AIBU?

92 replies

JustAChangeNow · 06/11/2023 13:44

This is not a big issue, I'm just wondering if I'm wrong. There is a planning group for a friend's 40th birthday present. Someone (male) suggested we buy her a night with Tom Hardy. I responded with a Gif thingy of him (topless) saying she might well like that!
My husband said that made him feel uncomfortable and disrespected. I apologised, I didn't mean to. He's accepted that.
BUT - was I out of line? Would you think that is offensive, or total non event? I was suprised, it never even occured to me that it could be offensive. WIBU?

OP posts:
custardlover · 06/11/2023 15:58

I find this sort of 'sexy meme' stuff cringy and uncomfortable - I think it's old fashioned, not funny and disrespectful. I totally get your husband's point and if he had sent a gender-flipped version of eg Kim K in a bikini suggesting that she might be an ideal birthday present, to you and a number of your mutual friends, how would you feel?

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 06/11/2023 16:00

How would you feel if your DH had posted a pic of a topless woman?
There's your answer!

PickledOnionCrisps · 06/11/2023 16:05

I wasn’t really sure what the options related to so haven’t voted. However, I think it’s important to respect your husband’s opinion and if it makes him feel uncomfortable then you probably shouldn’t do it.

alchemisty · 06/11/2023 16:15

sweetpickle23 · 06/11/2023 15:52

Can't speak for anyone else, but I genuinely would not react this way @Xil. Guys (plural) sending images (plural) is hardly what happened here- OP (singular) sent one image (singular) as a nod to a joke that someone else in the chat already made.

The OP's partner feeling threatened or insecure over a gif is very much a him problem and not the OP's. I would say this were genders reversed as well.

Hm, but I think I would be quite uncomfortable if it was suggested that we rent a male mate a night with Emily Ratajkowski for his 40th! Coupled with bikini or panty gifs of her.

It's funny because as women, we can openly talk about how all the picture perfect female celeb bodies from Photoshopping, nips and tucks, personal trainers and Hollywood diets can make us feel less-than. Whether PP on this thread deny it, it is a whole conversation, widely known and widely held. But when a man feels that way, he becomes abusive, problematic, pathetic, etc etc. Double standards much!

sweetpickle23 · 06/11/2023 16:27

That isn't quite what happened here though- the OP didn't suggest they rent Tom Hardy and post a topless pic, someone else made the joke (whether or not this is inappropriate wasn't the question) and then OP posted a gif. OP's DH then said it made him uncomfortable, and has admitted he feels insecure about another male friend in the group (for no apparent reason, that we know of).

I have a friend whose husband is like this- incredibly jealous and insecure, doesn't like her talking about fancying any actors etc, right up to being miffed when she talks to other men in basically any situation. The OP hasn't given us any info to confirm her DH is like the latter, but I have seen it happen and it's a slippery slope in my opinion which is why I think any man who does this does indeed need to get a grip.

I don't think the widely known conversation about female beauty standards that you mention @alchemisty is really relevant here. I don't think, based on the info we have here, that the OP's DH felt uncomfortable due to Tom Hardy being a 'picture perfect body'- it's simply because the idea that she might fancy another man makes him feel insecure.

haribosmarties · 06/11/2023 16:35

If it were porn I could see his point.. but a mildly flirty pic of a well known celeb in a humourous context.. no that's ridiculous. And I'd say the same were genders reversed.
Is your husband usually this insecure? I'd be more concerned as to why he felt this was some kind of insult to him.. is he depressed or feeling shit about himself at the moment? I don't think this is really a normal reaction if all is well with someone.

Hamburger233 · 06/11/2023 16:38

He's being a bit OTT.

It was light-hearted and quite tame.

Fuck, the stuff men send each other .... Is your h really totally uninvolved in anything like that? If men send a sexy pic of an actress or model in a group, does he tell them off and demand it be removed? Doubt it

HardcoreLadyType · 06/11/2023 16:39

The whole conversation sounds a bit seedy, but if that’s usual for your friendship group then I don’t see how the man’s comment was more inappropriate than a topless gif.

Is it that your DH now thinks all
your friends will think you fancy Tom Hardy, and that has made his dick shrivel
up inside his balls?

ElaineMBenes · 06/11/2023 16:39

What I got from it is that her husband feels a bit out of sorts that she obviously thinks Tom Hardy is a bit of alright and has said this on the group chat.

And why would that be an issue?

Hamburger233 · 06/11/2023 16:41

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 06/11/2023 16:00

How would you feel if your DH had posted a pic of a topless woman?
There's your answer!

Edited

Topless women have their breasts exposed, which are both sexual and feeding in function.

But very definitely sexual... Hence page 3 and men's calendars and mags.

A man's torso is not sexual in the same way.

The equivalent would be an bare ass pic or a pic in tightly whities with his cock outlined.

alchemisty · 06/11/2023 16:43

@Hamburger233 oh come off it, 6 pack abs on men are only ever photographed for scientific biology textbooks are they? 😅 I think bikini or panty would be a more apt comparison, not totally topless woman, but let's not pretend the half nude Tom pic was just for science lol

Original poster
JustAChangeNow · 06/11/2023 16:45

No, my husband would be uncomfortable with men sending him pics of topless woman, he wouldn;t like that at all. He finds it objectifying and seedy (cue everyone saying I'm wrong and he watches tons of porn, but I'm not and he doesn't)

OP posts:
StoatofDisarray · 06/11/2023 16:46

ManateeFair · 06/11/2023 14:07

Total non-issue and your husband is being really weird about this. In what way were you 'disrespecting him' by sending a meme of an actor that you didn't even mention in the first place?! Someone else brought up 'a night with Tom Hardy' for your friend, as a joke, and you, also as a joke, responded with a gif of him. It's not like you even said you fancied him yourself.

Has this reaction just come from nowhere? Because I'd expect this kind of thing to be part of a pattern. Is your husband like this in other ways?

Maybe her husband is Tom Hardy.

alchemisty · 06/11/2023 16:48

@sweetpickle23 yes, but someone else making that joke and my DH partaking in it by sending a bikini or panty gif would make me uncomfortable/upset. I do see above that some PP are OK with that and expect men to do that in group chats, though...

I admit to being a hypocrite, because I've done the same lusting after males in groups of women etc, but at least I can admit to the hypocrisy!

I mean, I don't see what else the husband could be jealous of regarding a topless pic of Tom Hardy – his stunning intellect? In a man whose looks are packaged and prized for global consumption...

And on the flirty alpha male in the group who was flirty and suggestive with OP, I don't know, genuinely feel free to call me paranoid or possessive or mad, but I wouldn't like a sexy bombshell woman blatantly flirting with my husband too. I'm not one for misplaced jealousy, and I'll never begrudge a beautiful woman just for simply existing, but she knows what she's doing if she's sexually chatting up my DH!

Hamburger233 · 06/11/2023 16:48

right up to being miffed when she talks to other men in basically any situation

I dated a man like this ..it was egg shell walking, stressful, ridiculousness.

I ended up not even mentioning a temporary male workmate so I wouldn't have to watch every word I said in relation to him.

He tried to get me to stop all separate socialising. Also tried to get me to set up a small business in an outhouse of his .... Which I realised later was to get me out of the workplace.

gannett · 06/11/2023 16:49

Incredible mental gymnastics to argue that beauty standards don't apply to men and that topless male celebrities aren't sexual.

Original poster
JustAChangeNow · 06/11/2023 16:49

@sweetpickle23 I think men who can say that something made them uncomfortable, and then swiftly move on to what do you want for dinner, are not the problem. It's okay, we have a good relationship and partly that is because we listen to each other

OP posts:
Hamburger233 · 06/11/2023 16:51

JustAChangeNow · 06/11/2023 16:45

No, my husband would be uncomfortable with men sending him pics of topless woman, he wouldn;t like that at all. He finds it objectifying and seedy (cue everyone saying I'm wrong and he watches tons of porn, but I'm not and he doesn't)

Would be object to it strongly in a group scenario though?
Seems unlikely.

gannett · 06/11/2023 16:51

Tbh I don't have much time for an insecure partner who throws a wobbly about the idea that I also find other men attractive, or who obsesses about their bodily imperfections. And yet I can also see why a sexy celeb pic dropped into a groupchat might cause mild feelings of discomfort. I think it's healthy that OP's husband expressed this, acknowledged it was minor and has moved on.

HomeBird43 · 06/11/2023 16:51

Oh I could not be bothered with this.

Original poster
JustAChangeNow · 06/11/2023 16:52

@Hamburger233 He would just leave it and then express to me that he found it objectionable.

OP posts:
Hamburger233 · 06/11/2023 16:53

gannett · 06/11/2023 16:49

Incredible mental gymnastics to argue that beauty standards don't apply to men and that topless male celebrities aren't sexual.

Male torsos are not sexual in the way breasts are sexual ..... I'm sorry, but they are just not.

Not in any way.

Breasts are sexual signalling appendages .... Essentially chest "buttocks" from when we became upright. There is no male equivalent.

Original poster
JustAChangeNow · 06/11/2023 16:55

Things he did not do:
Throw a wobbly
Sulk
Forbid me from speaking to men
Burn an effigy of Tom Hardy

Things he did do:
Said it made him uncomfortable
Told me it;s not a big deal, but it made him uncomfortable
Moved on to discuss parents evening

Just to clarify!!

OP posts:
gannett · 06/11/2023 16:57

Hamburger233 · 06/11/2023 16:53

Male torsos are not sexual in the way breasts are sexual ..... I'm sorry, but they are just not.

Not in any way.

Breasts are sexual signalling appendages .... Essentially chest "buttocks" from when we became upright. There is no male equivalent.

Edited
Show quote history

I disagree but I'm not going to argue as it's not even the point. If the gender-flipped equivalent of topless Tom Hardy is Emily Ratajkowski in a bikini, would you be happy with that?

(The phrase "chest buttocks" may have desexualised breasts forever for me.)

Hamburger233 · 06/11/2023 16:59

JustAChangeNow · 06/11/2023 16:52

@Hamburger233 He would just leave it and then express to me that he found it objectionable.

Well.of he's done the same here, not kicked off in the group; but said he's uncomfortable...at least he's not hypocrital, apparently.

He's still a bit OTT though.

It was a pretty harmless joke, responding to a harmless joke. Like - well she's not going to get that so here's the closest thing.