To tell my brother how I feel

[eyeslikebutterflies]

It's an ageing parents one. My dad has had declining health for years, he had a major op this year he's struggling to recover from, can't drive, has deteriorated dramatically, and all the care has fallen to my mum etc. It's been a really awful year.

But my brother won't stay in contact. It can be months between phone calls, he's visited once this year. Whenever he does visit, he puts it off for as long as possible before confirming, and then it's a last minute rush where we can't plan to do anything nice and sometimes I can't even see him (as he'll visit when I'm working so it's too late to get cover).

This is not new. I've told him before how upset this makes mum and dad. He promises to ring more often and make proper plans to visit - but he doesn't.

Dad's 80th birthday was this weekend. I invited him and his partner a month ago. A week prior, after me chasing, he made a load of excuses as to why he couldn't come - and they were very poor excuses. No plans to visit another time. My parents were so upset.

And here's my AIBU: I smoothed it over with mum and dad, like I always do, saying well I'm sure he'll visit soon, sounds like he's been busy/unwell etc. What I really want to do is ask him WTF he thinks he's playing at. And ask him why doesn't he give a shit? To say we had a good childhood, he was the golden sodding child, and THIS is how he repays them? My DH thinks I shouldn't say anything and he's probably right, but I'm so fed up of everything being on me and having to deal with a very sad mum and dad at what's already a difficult time - and it was dad's 80th after all. Be good to hear what other people think.

hopeful bump

You don’t need to make excuses for him. End of. You just be the daughter you want to be.

This isn’t uncommon. I’m sure if you spoke to a number of your friends they would have exactly the same scenario. Nothing will change whatever you do.

In all honesty I'd leave it. Stop trying to smooth it over. Just keep doing what you are doing for them.

Stop covering for him.

Not exactly helpful, but please insert here an extended feminist rant on the subject of male offspring who think it is only the daughter's (or daughters') duty to help frail and aging parents. It is so deeply unfair. Was he always a careless, oblivious jerk, from childhood onward, OP?

I don't know what the answer is, op, I have the same dynamic.

It's all very easy for others to say stop covering for them, but then it's you who has to deal with the hurt & heartbreak, pick up the pieces...

I suppose the only thing I would try is to separate the two issues:

1. the pressures on you and you need more support

2. the hurt & how dare he does that to your parents

The second is unlikely to elicit a positive response. But you might get an improvement if you let him see how much you're struggling to support them alone and set out what you need from him.

Why on earth is anyone voting YABU? Of course it shouldn't all be on the OP.

I wouldn’t cover for him. Let them be upset with him and tell him how upset they are that he doesn’t give a shit. You can’t make him care. You can’t make him visit. But you can tell him what you think of him and I would. Fuck your relationship he doesn’t exactly bring anything to it does he?

Stop smoothing things over, apologising and covering for him. Stop trying to organise things with him and just leave the ball in his court regarding visits and phone calls etc. Obviously invite him to big events, but don't chase and don't try to arrange them around him.

You can't make him engage with your parents and they're not children to be lied to and protected from the truth - you are not your brother's keeper nor responsible for what he does or doesn't do.

Just manage your own relationship with your parents, and don't expect anything from him.

By all means have the conversation about why he CBA with your parents, but don't expect it to change things.

I’d say something to him if I was you. You don’t see him much anyway so there’ll be no awkwardness.

You won't be able to get your brother to change, but I would certainly stop trying to cover for him, tell your parents the truth, that you have no idea why he won't visit/call, that you keep asking him and nothing makes any difference.

Very wise advice. You can’t change other people however much you might want to.

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. I have something similar, and it’s so difficult and upsetting. From the outside it may seem/ feel obvious that you should stop covering for your brother, but when you’re in it it can be so much harder than that - you love your parents and don’t want them to be hurt. There is likely also real anger and hurt about feeling forced into this position that impacts you so much, but that you feel powerless to influence.

I don’t think you can really change him, although it may be that there will be a way you can get across to him how much pain he causes, both them and you. Or maybe at some point he will shift a bit, who knows? I’ve not found the solution in my situation, I’m trying to learn to not let it cause me so much pain but it’s not easy.

I’m sorry this isn’t really an answer but I hope you find people you can talk to (a therapist helped me). Good luck and look after yourself.

There's a lot of pretending going on here isn't there? Your DB pretending he intends to visit, you pretending to believe him, then pretending to your parents that you think his excuses are valid and that he cares really.

That is a lot of extra stress in the situation I think. Without necessarily being outspoken, would it help just to be a bit more straightforward. "I don't really know why he isn't coming" etc. Don't put effort into arranging for your brother. "FYI dad is having a birthday party at theirs on the 17th, 3 pm. Let me know if you need more info" If he doesn't reply, justtell your parents he didn't respond.

I think you need to make your peace with the fact your brother is giving as much as he will. You can't influence that. If you try to you might make it worse.

He must have his reasons, whatever they might be. You don't need to make excuses for him. Your parents are not children.

If you feel you are doing too much, do less. Your DP have each other, they are not alone. Nobody is forcing you to do any of it. If you want to carry on as you are that is up to you but you can't place expectations on others

Sympathy, my brother lives abroad, he would ring a couple of times a year (which made him the golden child of course)! Mum died, not unexpectedly due to a long term life limiting condition. Brother flew in immediately, did nothing, made various random assumptions which offended me, flew back out mopping his brow and thinking he’d saved the world. Commented how guilty he felt, how frail dad looked (81yo) and stood in my mum’s garden and promised to keep in touch… and you know how that story ends don’t you?!! Maybe we could get them and bang their heads together?!! I really think my brother is an utter arsehole right now.

I'd have one last chat with him and really emphasise what it would mean to your parents to see him more often, then I'd let it go. You have to remember you are not responsible for your brother's behaviour and you need to step back. Some people are just incredibly thoughtless and selfish. He'll probably regret it once they're dead.

It’s interesting he was the golden child, favourites often reject the people who worshipped and spoilt them. I think your parents are reaping what they sowed.

These situations are so difficult.

My SIL is abroad too and she is as involved as she can be with MILs care from abroad. That is difficult and there is context there too. My DH is nearer and does a bit more but being honest for a variety of very complex reasons it falls to another SIL who does the most. The family dynamic is complicated. I know that DH is doing what he can in his family’s context and the work and family demands he has, the SILs think he isn’t doing enough particularly ironically the one who is abroad who obviously does much less. Expectations and upbringing and family dynamics all come into play in these situations.

You need to focus on your own relationship with your parents, if it is getting too much then you need to try to rebalance it to what you can manage yourself.

My SILs try to put pressure on DH but as I have said the family dynamics are complex and he is not willing to do more. You cannot decide what another adult’s relationships should be with their parents even your own brothers.

Bless you OP I've been through something similar. I can understand why you cover for him as it would jut upset your parents even further if you didn't. I would personally have a little chat with him again, one last time, to express your concerns over your parents health.

You're not responsible for your brother's actions, nor are you responsible for your parents' feelings. Nothing you do or say will change anything, nor will it change how your folks see you vs him. Stop making excuses, stop chasing. Just stop. Have your relationship with your parents and stop expecting leopards to change their spots.

I think it’s fine to tell him what you think, it probably won’t make a jot of difference though.

just focus on yourself

I personally wouldn’t bother telling him what you think, it doesn’t sound like he would care. It would be a waste of your effort I expect.

If it were me in your shoes I’d stop contacting him and stop smoothing things over between him and your parents. You can’t force someone to be interested in having a relationship. Sounds like he’s visiting only out of duty and doesn’t care much for you or your parents. So I’d stop trying with him.

I voted YABU for several reasons. You say he was the golden child but you have no idea of his reality growing up. Nobody asks to be born - expecting a child of any age to care for their end of life/very ill parents is wrong, end of. You can play the martyr but nobody else has to play along. Your parents are adults who made their own decisions, you're protecting them from themselves. Leave your brother alone, he clearly doesn't want to have anything to do with his parents and you can't force it.