To tell my brother how I feel

[eyeslikebutterflies]

It's an ageing parents one. My dad has had declining health for years, he had a major op this year he's struggling to recover from, can't drive, has deteriorated dramatically, and all the care has fallen to my mum etc. It's been a really awful year.

But my brother won't stay in contact. It can be months between phone calls, he's visited once this year. Whenever he does visit, he puts it off for as long as possible before confirming, and then it's a last minute rush where we can't plan to do anything nice and sometimes I can't even see him (as he'll visit when I'm working so it's too late to get cover).

This is not new. I've told him before how upset this makes mum and dad. He promises to ring more often and make proper plans to visit - but he doesn't.

Dad's 80th birthday was this weekend. I invited him and his partner a month ago. A week prior, after me chasing, he made a load of excuses as to why he couldn't come - and they were very poor excuses. No plans to visit another time. My parents were so upset.

And here's my AIBU: I smoothed it over with mum and dad, like I always do, saying well I'm sure he'll visit soon, sounds like he's been busy/unwell etc. What I really want to do is ask him WTF he thinks he's playing at. And ask him why doesn't he give a shit? To say we had a good childhood, he was the golden sodding child, and THIS is how he repays them? My DH thinks I shouldn't say anything and he's probably right, but I'm so fed up of everything being on me and having to deal with a very sad mum and dad at what's already a difficult time - and it was dad's 80th after all. Be good to hear what other people think.

He’s put his boundaries in place and his reasons for doing so may be selfish and petty, or they may not. He may see childhood differently to you.

In any case, you won’t be able to change his behaviour so focus on yourself and give no more than you can manage.

My DB lives 5 miles from DP I live 150 miles away and am chronicly ill, guess which one of us spent the weekend decorating DM bedroom, assembling furniture etc? He does absolutely bugger all for her, barely visits DF in his care home and quite frankly I say what I think now on the subject but it gets me absolutely nowhere.

My SIL expects DH to have the exact same relationship with his mother that she does. In reality DH and his mother don't have the same dynamic for a million different reasons but she assumes that hers is the 'correct' relationship. It's not for anyone to dictate the terms of another persons relationship even if they are siblings.

Agree with this. Do less if it's stressing you out. Definitely stop lying. What's the point? Your parents know deep down that it's lies.

I wouldn't sugar coat it with him. It's not like you have much of a relationship now any way. So yes I think yanbu to tell him how upset they are and how upset you are. That you only get one set of parents and one set of siblings in this life. If he wants to ignore them most of the time and pretend like they don't exist that's up to him. I just wouldn't expect it to change anything.

I think you should say that to him. Either in a letter or by phone. He should hear it.

I voted YABU because it won't make a blind bit of difference if you tell your brother how you feel. He obviously doesn't care. You can't change him, so there is no point in trying. As pp said, a leopard doesn't change its spots.

Sorry you have had such an awful year.

Stop smoothing things over to keep your brother out of trouble. The issue is between him and them, but you're inserting yourself in the middle of a situation you can't control. Stay out of it and let the chips fall where they may.

Honestly stop trying to control him. He has no duty or responsibility towards his parents. Why are you trying to micromanage other peoples relationships.

My DH has this with his brother. My PILs are elderly and not in good health and DH is dealing with it all, my BIL never visits or phones, just sends the occasional text message. To be fair to him I guess at least he doesn't promise things and then let them down. If I were you I'd say "well you know how selfish DB can be" rather than covering for him.

It's his choice what relationship he has with his parents, not yours. He doesn't owe them for his childhood.

You complain that 'it's all on you' but you do those things because you want to, no one is forcing you.

Yes, always. I know he won't change, it's just so deeply, deeply disappointing.

Thing is, he was always the golden child. Literally. I had to stand on my own two feet from 18, when I left home, never asked for anything, and was basically left to get on with it. He had so much more support, it was never his fault when he got into (a lot of) trouble, got given a flat, a job... I had none of that. So he can't say he had it bad - I saw it, and he didn't.

My brother is the same OP, so I sympathise.

My mum is 87 and we lost my dad a few years back. On his deathbed me and DBro promised him we'd look after mum for him. Ha! It's been me doing all the work. Admittedly I do live much nearer (he's a couple of hours away and I'm round the corner) but he can't even be bothered to call half the time. It can go weeks on end without a call and months without a visit. When he does visit he'll do a couple of jobs for her then spend the rest of his visit on his phone or iPad. No doubt when mum goes he'll be the one posting sad stuff on FB about how much he misses her.

I've tried talking to my DBro about it, and he'll improve for a short while but then revert back to type. He was the golden child also. If your brother is like mine then don't expect any conversation to have a long lasting effect.

Thank you, and sorry you are going through something similar. A lot of you have said the same thing, and you're right. I guess I want him to change, I'd like to have that normal, happy family that cares about each other, does stuff together, but I don't and I need to accept that.

I don't need his help really: I've never had help from anyone and certainly never from him, so I don't expect it. And I am lucky in that I have an amazing DH and great friends in similar situations, whose practical advice is invaluable. I'm just staggered that even now, on his dad's 80th, be just CBA. My dad's not the most amazing dad ever, sure, but my god he's had a traumatic life and a terrible time lately with ill health - even my teenage kids were like, 'yeah, let's go celebrate with him cos he's had such a shit time lately'.

Sorry your brother is similar - they do sound similar (right down to making an effort for a few weeks before reverting to type).

Thanks everyone for comments and perspectives. I won't say anything but equally I'm not going to make excuses for him any more. It's on him now.

How selfish?
Is he expecting an inheritance when they die?
Does he have children and would he like it done to him?

Is there any reason given as to why he is like this?
Has your mum asked him directly?

Just why did you decorate your DM's bedroom when you are chronically ill?

Your DB didn't do it because he knew you would do it. Maybe just say no next time your DM wants a job doing around the house and tell your DM to ask your DB instead. In other words stop being a doormat, even for relatives. Your health is more important!

I wouldn’t waste your breath. It won’t change him or his behaviour and will only cause you more heartache. I have similar issues with a brother and an aging parent and I’ve really had to distance myself from him as it’s just so hurtful to see how he treats our mum. He behaves as if she’s a stranger. I have told myself that although we grew up in the same house he is a different person from me and his experience was not mine. Sometimes I tell myself it’s his coping mechanism to push her away. Whatever it is, deep down I find his behaviour hard to forgive. I have my own grief to process over her failing health and lose enough sleep without trying to work out what’s going on with him. He’s an adult, as is your brother and it’s up to them to live with whatever regrets they have in the future, if they even have any. For the sake of your own mental health please try and focus on your own relationships with your parents while you have them.

I find this very sad OP. It seems that your parents emotionally pushed you out of the home as they were so focussed on your brother. But now that they want (need) you, you appear to be so grateful and are doing everything for them, even if it's at times too much. Why, after how they dismissed your needs when you were younger and instead gave everything to your brother?

Missing an 80th birthday for no real reason seems very uncaring - has he always been like this ? Is he selfish in other aspects of his life ? Did he effectively disappear once he was an adult ? Is there any history of estrangement/arguments ? Did your parents make excuses for him when they were younger ?

I looked after my dmum and was at her house every day, especially if she was ill. My dbro would come over once a month to cut the grass and my what a hero he was, helping his old mum 😂
There's a lot of them around!

Sounds typical of the people I know who were given everything. They are entitled and selfish. I don’t think giving your kids everything does them any favours in the long run.

i wouldn’t make excuses for him. You shouldn’t baby your parents like that. He is their son, he’s a product of how he was raised by them. Not your job to cover for him.

my dh isn’t close to his mum. But she was cold and distant growing up and showed no interest in our kids. As my mum always says you make your own bed and then you have to lay in it.

I listened to a podcast earlier this year and have been following this wisdom ever since so that I can live a peaceful life, it really helped me

• If someone wants/is able to do something, they will

• You can’t make someone else change

• Stop being mad that people aren’t who you want them to be

Exactly this :)