To tell my brother how I feel

[eyeslikebutterflies]

It's an ageing parents one. My dad has had declining health for years, he had a major op this year he's struggling to recover from, can't drive, has deteriorated dramatically, and all the care has fallen to my mum etc. It's been a really awful year.

But my brother won't stay in contact. It can be months between phone calls, he's visited once this year. Whenever he does visit, he puts it off for as long as possible before confirming, and then it's a last minute rush where we can't plan to do anything nice and sometimes I can't even see him (as he'll visit when I'm working so it's too late to get cover).

This is not new. I've told him before how upset this makes mum and dad. He promises to ring more often and make proper plans to visit - but he doesn't.

Dad's 80th birthday was this weekend. I invited him and his partner a month ago. A week prior, after me chasing, he made a load of excuses as to why he couldn't come - and they were very poor excuses. No plans to visit another time. My parents were so upset.

And here's my AIBU: I smoothed it over with mum and dad, like I always do, saying well I'm sure he'll visit soon, sounds like he's been busy/unwell etc. What I really want to do is ask him WTF he thinks he's playing at. And ask him why doesn't he give a shit? To say we had a good childhood, he was the golden sodding child, and THIS is how he repays them? My DH thinks I shouldn't say anything and he's probably right, but I'm so fed up of everything being on me and having to deal with a very sad mum and dad at what's already a difficult time - and it was dad's 80th after all. Be good to hear what other people think.

If he was the golden child and you were considered lesser why are you making so much effort to protect your parents from his disinterest?

Stop taking responsibility for him- and currently you are.

When your parents mention him, say ‘no idea, sorry.’ Listen patiently to their sadness and agree with them that it’s very upsetting, shit, whatever they say.

Send him a last message saying you won’t be chasing him anymore as you are plenty busy enough already.

Your parents don’t sound like they were very kind to you. Why is it that you feel the need to be very kind to them?

Your brother doesn't have to visit if he doesn't want to (indeed, neither do you). You can only deal with your own relationship with your parents, however you want that to be. Just let your brother do his own thing, whatever he wants that to be.

Good response!

I think if you both want want to understand each other, it would be better to say, 'look, is there something I don't know about that's causing you to distance from mum and dad?'

The fact you mentioned that he get into a lot of trouble does suggest that there was perhaps some issues.

I've seen it in both DH and my families, the teens that got into a lot of trouble were not sufficiently protected by their parents.

That may well not be the case for your brother, but I think you should ask him with an open mind.

From what little you have said it does seem like your brother could have good reason for the distance. It is very possible that you don't know why he is distant.

"Thing is, he was always the golden child. Literally. I had to stand on my own two feet from 18, when I left home, never asked for anything, and was basically left to get on with it. He had so much more support, it was never his fault when he got into (a lot of) trouble, got given a flat, a job... I had none of that. So he can't say he had it bad - I saw it, and he didn't."

Why did you leave home at 18 OP? Why was your brother in a lot of trouble?

My dad's not the most amazing dad ever, sure, but my god he's had a traumatic life and a terrible time lately with ill health
*
Why is your Dad not the most amazing Dad ever?

I think you have probably justified your brothers distance without given too much away in those two paragraphs.

His experience doesn't have to be worse than yours. Did you know what it was like for him if you weren't there?*

I still think that he might see the early years differently and that he might be carrying ambivalent or antagonistic feelings towards your parents for some reason.

I am genuinely not having a dig at you, OP. You are under pressure and I sympathise. It’s just that I’d be interested in what he’d have to say if he posted on here.

Of course …..It may well be that he’s simply a self-centred weasel and that your parents have not really misstepped.

Why not meet him for a drink and have a candid conversation?

@Lieblingsessen my DF is in a care home, the house was in a state because DF has never been keen on parting with money or keeping things nice. DF is controlling and an emotional abuser, now he is out of the home DM wants to make it hers, just after DF was sectioned the heating was condemned so that needed replacing and because DM has never been allowed to make decisions she doesn't where to start. She didn't even gave the confidence to choose a paint colour. DB is lazy and will not help I just feel that after all the years of DF crap DM deserves a nice place to be. I'm not a doormat I'm trying to put right what has been so wrong in her life.

I started reading this and actually wondered if you were my sister! We have the same issue with our brother who admittedly lives in another European country. Our 89 yr old Dad has deteriorated rapidly in the past 6 months and frankly his hobby in life is now preparing for death (as in decluttering the house etc etc). Our Mum is 82 but an over anxious nightmare who manages to make every situation worse and makes my Dad's life a misery.

My sister and I ensure one of us visits at least once a week and there's regular texting in between. We take them for days out etc. Brother does nothing and very very rarely makes contact. He will come for Christmas but again leaves it to the very last moment and stays as short a time as he can get away with.

He was the golden child but frankly looking back that manifested as our over anxious mother totally smothering him. He only went to play group once she managed to get a volunteer role there. When he went to school she became a dinner lady at the same school. The irony was as soon as he went to Uni he went to one three hours away then got a job six hours away before eventually moving to a different country. So your brother may have been the golden child but it isn't always rainbows and roses.

However I would be speaking to him and getting him to up contact. That's what we've had to do. Otherwise I think they see him for 5 days at Christmas and that would be it.