Teaching your child to say Thank you

[Bbq1]

A 'Parenting Expert' has apparently come up with a 'new hack' to teach your child to say Thank you. It involves handing something over to your child and lightly holding onto the item until the child says Thank you. You then release. The article says this is a new technique that nobody knows about... My son is 18 and this was something I would do automatically when he was young to remind him to say Thank you. Only having to hold the item for a couple of seconds. Am i wrong in thinking that most parents do this automatically and it's not a new idea?

I don't do it but it's certainly something my 90 year old relatives know about and do to all the little ones in our family...so can't be new.

Re inventing the wheel ,they are probably paid ££££,s for their new " technique ,s"🙄

Never done that.

I don't mind which technique people use, but the use of "please" and "thank you" is fast dinimishing, so anything that works is good!

I've been doing this for years. Maybe I should start marketing myself as a parenting hack expert. Other ones I have are 'what's the magic word?', waiting patiently and not doing the thing they ask until they remember manners, and the old favourite, 'what do you say?' if none of those work. I could make a fortune...

It’s remarkably similar to dog training techniques too.

Exactly! How anyone can think it's a new thing?!

Definitely not new. I've been a children's nanny for over 30 years and been doing it since I first started out.

My DD (11) has had friends over recently who haven't thanked me for dinner, sleepovers etc. And when their parents collect them they haven't reminded their child that they have something to say to me. Result: I don't really want them back. These are liberal, educated parents who somehow don't seem to think basic manners are important. When my DD has gone to their house, I stand on the doorstep and pointedly say to DD 'What do you say to X's mum/dad?', in the vain hope that the penny will drop for the parent. It makes me feel like a bit of old fashioned, but I don't care.

Manners sre so important aren't they. Your dc's friends will grow up to be the adults who make me cringe in restaurants - those who reel off a big order to the server without one please or Thank you. So rude.

I'd not heard of this and it wouldn't have occured to me, I think. Sometimes it's ok to state the bleeding obvious. What worked well with my two is to just model saying thank you. So every time they passed me something or did something I asked them to I said thanks. And I use please and thank you myself when talking to them. They both picked it up very quickly. For someone else something else might work better. It's good to have an arsenal of tools. I assume very few things in parenting are actually brand new.

No, I don’t and wouldn’t do that.

Manners are important yes, but they’re pointless if the child doesn’t actually mean please/thank you/sorry.

Instead I role model, and at nearly 3 DD1 says it nearly all of the time with me. She won’t say it to strangers who give her things because she’s not comfortable in front of adults she doesn’t know, so I role model and say “thank you”.

In time as she gets older and more confident it will come. She is a very polite and kind little girl.

I couldn't agree with this less. Please and thank you aren't about whether you mean it or not. They are social constructs and only learnt by teaching. It's not polite to take something from someone and not say thank you.

I also do lots of gentle parenting but this sort of gentle parenting is genuine madness. There are some things that are required in the world and need to be taught by parents. Simply waiting for your child to learn it from watching is not enough. And it also doesn't necessarily mean they "mean it" if they are simply copying.

Having said all that I wouldn't hold onto
Something until they have said thank you. Seems unnecessarily confrontational. I just remind them to say thank you if they haven't already. It's not really about whether they mean it or not. And tbh I'm not sure I even "mean it" when I say please and thank you and how are you and how was your day and can I get you a drink and would you like some food etc etc when I say it to people. It's just required to be a decent functioning human.

It’s a very weird thing that adults do to force children to have good manners and then rarely have them themselves.

Adults might say thank you but I think please is far less used as less formal speech patterns are more accepted (Ie, “could you pass me a banana from the fruit bowl?” sounds fine but you’d make a child add please)

Not to mention the adults who bark SORRY when they actually mean “excuse me please”. Again - you’d make a child say the latter but seemingly adults don’t need to say this themselves.

@wherethewildtbingsgo You don’t need to agree with it. They’re not your children 😂

Does role modelling really work any differently though? Since your nearly 3 year old cannot see inside your mind to know whether you actually mean please/thank you/sorry, all you are really doing is teaching them to parrot you. It isn't any different to reminding them to say the words. It's just a different technique to exactly the same end.

They aren't but you're allowing them to do it to other adults apparently because they don't know them. I've got a family member who has a similar approach to you. It doesn't come across that their DC simply doesn't know us...it comes across that they are rude. And it also puts them at a social disadvantage. Not to mention the fact it's probably a pointless thing to impose as they will be required to say please and thank you at school and nursery.

There's plenty of things I do/say that I don't really mean, and plenty of things I'd LIKE to do/say that I don't. It's called having social skills.

You're also expecting your toddler to apply critical thinking skills she just doesn't have yet - modelling you accurately would involve her analysing why you say thank you but she doesn't have to. True modelling would come from her seeing that you do, what you already ask of her.

I've never done that, never heard of it either. Both of my children always say please and thank you though, I think there's far better ways of teaching this.

It's not confrontational at all. It's gentle hold on for a second and maybe with a verbal prompt too. It comes after you have modelled saying please and thank you and dc have learnt to use manners and are saying it regularly. It's just a reminder if they forget. It's holding for a second as child remembers to say Thank you. Ni confrontation required. My ds is incredibly polite and always has been. People regularly commented on it when he was younger .

I wouldn't ask anyone for anything without adding a please. To me asking baldy for a banana sounds rude and I would automatically add a please whoever i was asking. Then a thank you

Well yes, especially to his face 🤣

Maybe people you’d think they were rude for calling them baldy

It's not a technique I've used but it certainly doesn't sound original!

I agree with posters saying that politeness/manners seem to be lacking in the younger generation. I've been quite strict on insisting on please and thank you for my children. They needed a LOT of reminding but eventually it sank in.

I know a lot of gentle parents who just model politeness but don't ask/remind their kids to say the words and ... they don't ... at all. I sometimes have to grit my teeth during play dates. It's all "I want", "haven't you got any snacks", "I don't like that" ... a yes please or no thank you would be so much more pleasant and smooth the path for an easier life for them too!

My son who is now an adult told me recently that when he and his mates got into scrapes they'd always send him to talk to the teacher etc as he could usually politely charm their way out of the mischief afoot as he had nice manners and "spoke properly". I'm not proud he was naughty obviously but it shows the value and usefulness of politeness.

This doesn’t need to be complicated.

Parents modelling manners is all that is needed.

I work in hospitality and you would be amazed at the amount of adults / parents who lack basic manners. If kids don’t see their parents using manners you know they will unlikely use them going forward.