Teaching your child to say Thank you

[Bbq1]

A 'Parenting Expert' has apparently come up with a 'new hack' to teach your child to say Thank you. It involves handing something over to your child and lightly holding onto the item until the child says Thank you. You then release. The article says this is a new technique that nobody knows about... My son is 18 and this was something I would do automatically when he was young to remind him to say Thank you. Only having to hold the item for a couple of seconds. Am i wrong in thinking that most parents do this automatically and it's not a new idea?

Lol. I hate it when people rebrand ‘doing the obvious’ as ‘hacks’.

I just reminded mine to say thank you and please until it was instilled. Mind you I took 12yo Dniece out at the weekend (I won’t sugarcoat it she’s lovely but has been raised by two idiots) and it REALLY bugged me how much I had to remind her to say please and thank you. It’s on the increase IMO

Jesus wept, parenting hack, my arse. If I’d not thanked someone for something, I knew about it!

You example good manners, kindness, sharing, respect, and you’d be amazed at what they pick up as the norm!!

This parenting guru needs a shake 😂😂

Couldn't agree more. The best way to raise a kind child is to be a kind adult.

So mine is 3- and has been asked to say please and thankyou since before a year old- first in sign language and then to say please and thankyou in spoken word as she became more confident. Infact she doesn't get something at home without a please or thankyou- manners don't cost, and are non negotiable for me... if she feels shy she will still sign please, thankyou, more please, milk, cake, biscuit fruit etc

It involves handing something over to your child and lightly holding onto the item until the child says Thank you. You then release.

I expect to be torn to shreds for this, but to me this is no different to holding a treat over an animal’s head until they beg or do some kind of other trick for it. I’m sure plenty of parents are fine with that, but it makes me uncomfortable, personally.

I have never held onto the item. I just started saying it or reminding them to say it basically from birth. I guess it really starts when strangers compliment them as a baby and they hear me say thank you in return. And when they start speaking I remind them to say it themselves. It's just a habit really, it's not a difficult thing for them to learn. It seems a bit rude to play tug-of-war or holding an item hostage until they say it. It's a bit forceful and unnecessary to me but that's really reading into it. I do agree it's not a new concept for a polite exchange that doesn't need a new concept anyway.

My 2 yo now says ‘queue’ (the only way I can spell the noise he makes) when either of us gives something to the other. It took me a while to realise it’s because I must always say ‘thank you’ and he must not get the ‘th’ sound yet and just says ‘kyou’. Not revolutionary lol kids copy

My child is extremely polite at home, uses his please and thank yous in the correct way. He is kind, considerate and loving.

However outside the home, in some situations, he has selective mutism and it's awful that others deem him rude because he doesn't respond in the ways people expect him to. I find it unbelievably rude when people feel the need to comment about him.

It isn't forceful or a tug if war, it's a gentle 2 second exchange used whem they have learnt to say please and Thank you and have learnt from modelling

It should be automatic: Please before you ask for something - the first word!
Mine don't always do it at home and we pull them up on it if they forget - but they're pretty good. Have used the technique of holding on to something they have asked for until they say thank you.

Manner cost nothing and make a huge impression on those you interact with.
I've been complimented several times on how polite my kids have been when over at other people's houses and I'm so proud when we've heard it. Twice in total, but still, it's been commented on so I'm happy (even if they are not impeccable at home )

As a mother of a child with autism this thread confirms my fears that people just assume he is rude and I am a bad parent . My son is 4 and although he has please almost always there at home, he really struggles with thank you unless reminded. Out and about please and thank you rarely happen unless he knows you well and he will not even look at the person as they are handing him something or ask him if he would like something. I usually model thank you and speak for him so not to lead to more overwhelm from him in a situation he is already struggling with. If he does manage to say it himself it is often unclear and late and people aren’t paying enough attention to hear him anyway or have already moved on.

I have a just turned two year old daughter who says it without prompting so modelling does work and manners are something I care about.

I’ve always done this with my child too.

I work with teens with SN too and we always remind them to say please and thank you, so in the real world people won’t think they’re rude.
I believe most teachers and TAs do the same in mainstream.

That’s how you would train an animal though.

A puppy learns to sit because you’ve got the treat that it wants and you’re rewarding good behaviour.

Children and puppies need to be taught.
Using a treat for a dog or reminding a child what to say, isn’t cruel.

There is always a "hack" for something these days, that so called experts think they have invented. 9 times out of 10, they haven't.

We were always told our two boys were very polite and they still are at 16 and 21. We didn't actively teach it, we would always say please and thank you to them, just like we would anyone else and I guess they learnt from that.

It didn't need a "hack", just common sense.

@Itsnotchristmasyet I guess I see it as kind of underestimating a child’s cognitive abilities to think that the only way to teach them to do something is to take exactly the same approach as you would to an animal that can’t learn any other way. To my mind the “you’re not getting this until you perform for me” approach is a world away from just reminding a child what to say.

I have used the 'holding on' method for over 20 years, with my own children and others visiting my home.

Also, though, if you train a child to thank you for an object by holding onto the object until they say thank you, how do you train them to thank you for doing something for them? You can’t exactly keep hold of an action until you’ve got the response you want…

I see what you’re saying but I think it’s just a way to build habits.

I do think dogs and children are very similar and I believe in rewarding good behaviour.
I wouldn’t punish a dog or child for doing something wrong.

If someone gives me something then I automatically say thank you, so you’re teaching a child to do it and reminding them, until they start doing it on their own.

Ugh my friend does this - plus syebsays "can l get..." so l rarely eat out with her these days!

As PPs have said, it is about learning the habit of saying please and thank you.

Totally ingrained in me. DH would crack up when, as students, I would go to the bar to get a round in please may I have 5 pints of lager, 3 pints of bitter and two packs of pork scratchings. It never occurred to me there was any other way to ask for something.

The thing is I would argue we want the use of please and thank you to basically be second nature as it's so much less effort then 😂.

I was taught to say please and thank you very naturally with a big open smile. I've found all my life people have been very willing and happy to do things for me. It's made my life so easy in a way.

That's what I wanted for my children, so I actively reminded them every time. Once it's in there you never unlearn it.

I think you're being too black and white about this, although I suspect that's purposeful.

It's just a non-verbal prompt that you can use some of the time whilst using a verbal prompt at other times. It's not a single method to use every time you want a please or thank you.

I’ve done this with my children (now 38 and 36) and still do with my grandchildren (6, 4 and 1). My children agree. With the very little ones I do give them the [cookie] even if they don’t say thank you yet. The older they get the more I insist on saying thank-you.

I think what has changed is not to tell your kid when you hand over something “what do we say?” and expect a response “thank you” but rather just model it by saying thank you every time yourself.

I've been doing it with children since I was practically a child myself! I remember with my nieces even when they were toddlers just starting to speak, holding an item and saying "ta" as they took it. My SIL and friends have all done it with their children and now they're tweens they're all still very polite and it gets commented on regularly.

Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of children that this same technique should be used for that are old enough to know better.

I've helped out at a few friends and family kid's birthday parties and barely any kids said please or thank you when I've been handing out food, drinks, party bags, etc. Even if the parents see, they don't say anything! So rude!