Teaching your child to say Thank you

[Bbq1]

A 'Parenting Expert' has apparently come up with a 'new hack' to teach your child to say Thank you. It involves handing something over to your child and lightly holding onto the item until the child says Thank you. You then release. The article says this is a new technique that nobody knows about... My son is 18 and this was something I would do automatically when he was young to remind him to say Thank you. Only having to hold the item for a couple of seconds. Am i wrong in thinking that most parents do this automatically and it's not a new idea?

I am allowing her to be comfortable, yes. She doesn’t speak in front of other adults she doesn’t know yet, and that’s okay.

If people want to think she’s rude they can go right ahead. It doesn’t bother me. I know she is a polite and kind little girl who just doesn’t feel comfortable speaking to other adults yet, so the opinion of a random person we meet along the way is irrelevant to us.

For as long as my child views me as her personal butler, she can say please.

Haha, probably! I didn't notice I'd written that and I can't edit!

Personally have never done that but it seems so many 'new' parenting techniques are just things many people have always done but presented as a new hack and branded with a new label. For please and thankyous, we just modelled this always saying please and thankyou ourselves, so it was the norm in our household.

Exactly. I cringe at the modern parenting idea that you should never tell your child to say please, thank you or sorry. You should just role model it until they understand the context.

I taught my kids to say what they needed to say at appropriate times, whether they fully understood or even meant it when they were very little. They’ve grown up into extremely polite and kind adults who have always been well liked by others.

It is a disservice to your kids and overthinking of basic parenting to say that you should not teach your children the social norms of the country they are in.

I never had to ‘hold on’ to things though to teach them…

Exactly this.

You teach your children from an early age to say thank you or please at the appropriate time.

And it isn't about whether they (your kids) "mean" it or not. Nobody cares whether your child is really thankful for the biscuit they've just been given. Because it isn't about them and their feelings. It's all about the other person's feelings.

It's not a new technique, but frankly, in light of how few children seem to have even basic manners, perhaps it's not a bad idea that someone is out there suggesting it!

My children are broadly well behaved and polite, but I still have to remind them to say please, and thank you etc. And I'll keep reminding them until it happens without them having to think about it because as someone upthread said, it's about being polite functional adults and if you don't get it right, you're disadvantaging your children. I don't think that means you have to be obsessively insisting that they can only hold a fork one way or that they should be completely familiar with different wine and water glasses by age 13 (unless they're royals!), but basic politeness and consideration are important.

when my children complain because I ask them to be polite, I remind them that my entire career (a good one, if I do say myself) started with a second interview over lunch. There is no doubt that as part of the role involved being out and about meeting people, the lunch was at least partly about ensuring I could behave appropriately, eat politely etc, while in public. I got the job.

This. DS has a good friend. He's a nice enough kid. But he has never once said please or thank you to me and now he's a teenager, I'm really starting to get annoyed and it makes me dislike him. It's not fair, but there you go, my opinion of him is lower because he can't be assed to say "please" when he asks me for a glass to get some water.

@NotLactoseFree this would drive me bananas. You sound much more patient than me though- I would certainly have reminded him by now!

@TheJubileePortrait you are being much less kind to her than you think you are. She exists in the world not just in your family and you're doing her a disservice by not teaching her social skills. As someone else very eloquently put it- you say please and thank you not because of how it makes you feel but because of how it makes the other person feel. It's not really relevant if she actually feels thankful.

I am teaching her social skills. I role model appropriate behaviour and she copies me. She’s great in social settings, she just doesn’t feel comfortable around adults she doesn’t know.

If I were to stand there and pressure her into saying “thank you”, it would be a huge spotlight on her and she would withdraw and panic, and she wouldn’t say it. She would just be upset. That accomplishes nothing.

If I role model thank you to show her what we do then over time as she grows older and more confident around adults she will be able to say it.

My DP’s children don’t say please and thank you it always surprises me. I don’t hold onto things but I always add please or thank you onto their request to make a point. I don’t understand it though as DP and his ex aren’t rude and have manners but they just haven’t been consistently expecting or asking their DC to say it so it’s been forgotten. I don’t really appreciate a demand from a child

My DC always say please or thank you and I always reminded them to say it.

Same here. Once mine were old enough to say please I did nothing until they said the word. Mine were taught to say thank you for meals and ask permission to leave the table. Some of my mates thought I was being very old fashioned but you can always relax things like the permission to leave the table when they’re older. It’s a lot harder trying to do it the other way and instil manners into them when they have none.

As a result I have a 23 year old who asks if it’s ok to take DVDs round to his girlfriend’s house to watch them there whereas others have 23 year olds who treat their parents like dirt.

My mum told my sister off once for not saying thank you to my nan... we were generally very polite children ... she had already said thank you when handed it, but mum expected the whole "thank you for blah, blah, blah" as we left...

she turned round and said "but it tasted horrible and had a cat hair in it"... my mum said "you say thank you anyway".

She turned to nan and said "thank you for the horrible pudding"

We modelled the behaviour we wanted to see... and also have polite children. There was no need for holding onto stuff to get a thank you, or "say thank you", or (I hate this one) "what do you say?"

Or you say "Do you think we should say thank you to the nice lady", your DD then says "thank you", the nice lady smiles, and your DD starts to feel more confident about speaking to other adults. Two birds, one stone.

I agree with the modelling approach. Children reflect back the behaviour which they observe (good and bad) round about them. If we ourselves strive to be polite and well-mannered in our interactions with others (which can be difficult, given how many life stresses people are often under), then our children will eventually pick up on and copy this behaviour.

I don't really agree with making a big deal out of it or obviously shaming children - what does this achieve? And I honestly don't know anyone who is so much of a 'snowflake' (to use that unpleasant modern term) that a 3 or 4 year old forgetting a 'please' or 'thank you' is upsetting to them. By the time children are 5 or older, you can have sensible conversations with them about appreciating the things that others do for us (teachers, parents, family, people we come across when out and about, e.g. in shops/restaurants/libraries etc.) and how we can show our gratitude, including saying 'please' and 'thank you'. If I feel that my DC is starting to take people for granted and forgetting to appreciate them, then we can have a chat about this.

Again, she wouldn’t speak in that situation. No birds, no stone. Just pressure and shame.

On occasions where she has felt comfortable she has said it, so I have no concerns.

I did when he was younger. But he's 13 now, it just doesn't feel appropriate? And to be honest, while him and DS are good friends and actually, I know the family and get on well with his mum and his sister and DD are also friends, this child and I have never connected so it's just uncomfortable.

From what I see, hectic modern life gets in the way and you get completely desensitised to the fact your DC are forgetting please and thank you, then it’s only people around you who notice it.

As I said above I am hot on my DC saying please and thank you and have always been aware of it. This also goes for whether they are standing in other peoples way. I cannot count how many children I see out and about who have no spacial awareness due to their age but their parents are completely ignoring them and aren’t teaching them to be aware of others around them either. Kids standing in the middle of stairs, aisles etc and their parents completely oblivious to their child and don’t look around at anyone else to check whether their child is in the way. A child ran into my legs full speed recently in a shop (which hurt) and their parents didn’t even bat an eyelid never mind talk to their child about learning to be polite in their surroundings. I have always kept an eye on my DC and moved them out of the way gently or asked my child to move to let someone pass and taught them about how to act in public.

My DP’s children although have it modelled around them are never reminded and barely ever say please or thank you to anyone and it is frustrating. They also will just stand still in busy places and aren’t taught social behaviours about others. It’s gentle parenting at its worst

I first hear about this from Five Minute Mum and it wouldn’t have occurred to me before. I am pretty hot on manners. Not obvious to everyone!

I am 35 and my sibling even older... my mum did this with us all those many years ago. It's nothing new, it was just a little reminder when our minds were elsewhere.

I cannot count how many children I see out and about who have no spacial awareness due to their age but their parents are completely ignoring them and aren’t teaching them to be aware of others around them either. Kids standing in the middle of stairs, aisles etc and their parents completely oblivious to their child and don’t look around at anyone else to check whether their child is in the way.

Adults are just as bad for this IME. Every morning my kids and I end up in the road on our way to school because a group of parents is having a chat on the (very narrow) pavement. I’m far less bothered by a child being in my way than an adult.

@wherethewildtbingsgo absolutely! My ds always said “ thank you for my lovely tea “ at friends houses even if it was utter shite. He didn’t need prompting because he had been trained like a puppy. It makes the recipient feel good, isn’t that the point? He’s 24 and still thanks me for a “ lovely dinner” old habits die hard 😆

It's parenting 101. I'm pretty sure everyone does this with toddlers. Or maybe not actually. I've had so many comments about how well mannered my children are, maybe it's not the norm or perhaps it doesn't carry on when they see their parents having bad manners. But I bet most people do it with toddlers.

I've never forced my kids to say please and thankyou or required it in order for them to get something. I have modelled it a lot, and will prompt them in company when it would be polite 'would you like to say anything/please/thankyou....' Usually they do want to say thankyou, I'd say they are pretty polite kids and it's becoming more and more spontaneous.