AIBU to replace DDs tablet but not DS'?

[Notts90]

Bit of background.

My son has SEN. No specific label yet but learning disability. Currently waiting to find out if accepted on the ASD/ADHD pathway.

Anyway, he is prone to aggressive outbursts. The other day his tablet wasn't responding so he chucked it and smashed it. I've already said I won't be replacing.

This morning him and DD were bickering. (DP was downstairs in the bathroom and I was upstairs with baby) DD apparently walloped him with her cardigan. (He wouldn't give her her toy.. 🙄) in retaliation he has now chucked her tablet and cracked the screen.

I am so fed up of these outbursts. School seem to think its confidence related but I'm not too sure? Probably a mix of things.

AIBU to replace DDs given that she didn't throw hers herself?

YABU to only replace one
YANBU to only replace one..

Definitely replace DDs, it isn’t her fault he smashed it.

How old is your son?

I don’t think it’s fair to punish him for a symptom that he can’t help, especially if he’s receiving no support with his SEN. Maybe he needs better supervision when paying with a tablet, or better protection on the tablet.

How old are they?

They're getting into fights about toys... agree DD is the victim in this but honestly neither of them sounds to be of an age for their own tablets.

I wouldn't replace either of them. Dd shouldn't of hit him with her cardigan and Ds shouldn't of smashed the tablet.

My oldest has ASD/ADHD and something that is very minor to us, is major to them. But she still has consequences for her behaviour. If her younger sister provoked her, they'd both be in trouble. Otherwise my oldest will think I'm just punishing her over something she's still learning to control.

Does he understand consequences? If yes explain that you will not be replacing his until he can show that he is sorry for smashing both but yes replace DD’s as it’s not her fault

If he doesn’t then yes you may have to replace both but find a way to explain in ways he understands that this is a one time replacement

Embarrassed to say their ages...

DD just turned 9, DS also 9 but turning 10 in a week.

DD wouldn't have done anything if he'd of just given the toy back. 🫣

YABU to only replace one
YANBU to only replace one

?

Yes only replace your DD's

How old is he? I don’t know much about autism / ASD etc, but I’d imagine they’d say that children should be punished still for bad behaviour. He’s damaged two expensive tablets. I’d definitely replace DD’s, and protect it with children’s holders / screen protectors as much as you can. But no, if he’s just going to damage his again I wouldn’t spend out on another

Me and DP have had help in the past regarding some of the challenging behaviour BTW and I do think DD also shows traits of ADHD. DS SEN is more obvious as he didn't meet early milestones and is academically behind his peers.

Yes only replace DDs. She shouldn't be blamed for him breaking expensive gadgets. She would learn to resent him that way.

I would replace DD as soon as you can afford, then later renew DS shame his birthday is next week perhaps for Christmas? If you can do DD before then.

im thinking that way he sees that he was wrong to break hers and replacing his later shows he’s misbehaving

I wouldn’t be rushing to replace either screen.
Both were in the wrong.

After he has an outburst is he remorseful. My dd with adhd gets very upset afterwards because even in the moment she doesn’t want to be acting that way but can’t control herself. Punishing her for the outburst causing damage does impact her confidence because she hates herself for doing it. So it is a fine line.

Also, screens are a nightmare for adhd kids and if I had my time over I would definitely have deferred mine having one much longer

Not so much. Often tries to justify it then will get teary.

It sounds like he could do with some support for emotional regulation

when he’s calm can he tell you what he thinks might help him defuse?

What tablets have you got?
Amazon's kids fire come with a really good protective cover and I've heard they're pretty good at replacing them when/if they break.
I've not had the problem yet, but the autism help page I am on have people regularly praising amazon for meltdown replacements.

We've tried social stories. School are implementing some stuff too. Just hope we can reduce the behaviour 😒

They are the kids amazon ones! I'll check them out, thank you!

Yes replace DD's - she shouldn't be punished for her brother's actions. I get that she had been aggravating supposedly with her actions but ultimately DS made the decision to do what he did with the tablet even if this was in the moment and cannot be excused. DS however no, he has broken the tablet (and his sister's) and so naturally there is no working tablet anymore and it is not going to be replaced at this point, that is enough of a consequence.

I have just had this exact problem! My autistic son broke his sisters tablet after she kindly let him use it when he had broken hers.

I've replaced just dd. New rules she is not to lend it and she can only use it in her room away from him or if I'm in the room with them. Ds will get a new tablet for Christmas but 2 months without I'm hoping will teach a consequence. But be prepared it causes problems with ds trying to steal dd tablet! It's much harder on the parents trying to protect dd tablet but a lesson needs learning (my ds has broken 3 tablets in 2 years)

I would replace none or both.

but if you do replace have firm rules on when and where they can be used and get decent cases for them

You won't get much useful advice here, just loads of assumptions from people without good knowledge of SEN. Try posting in SEN kids section.

Def look into the Amazon scheme to replace screens rather than replacing whole tablet, and get some shock proof cases. Consider keeping tablets inaccessible most of the time and only handing them out for set times to be better able to supervise use. Think about how to future proof this because otherwise it's likely to happen again, and replacing them every time will just be throwing money away. Don't assume that your DS will be able to learn from the natural consequence of his tablet being broken. Impulsive behaviour doesn't work like that.

Your DD is probably reacting in kind because that's what's being modelled to her.

For info about helping reduce the outbursts and managing ADHD in general, these are resources I'd recommend.

The explosive child (but I'd take the FB group with a pinch of salt)
Brain-Body parenting
Russell Barkley (his new YouTube channel is great, something like Russell Barkley phd2023) or his 12 principles book.
Help your child deal with stress and thrive (stupid title, you might see it referred to online as Self-Reg which is better, that's the US title)
Conscious Discipline by Becky A Bailey
Calm the Chaos -actually maybe this one first. Because I like the road map thing where they get you to figure out where you are. It's frustrating when you keep coming across resources that either explain what you already know and not what to do with it, or that assume that you know certain ideas or have certain things already in place.
TheOT butterfly on Instagram
The Occuplaytional Therapist on Facebook
Too fast, too bright, too loud, too tight
Points systems are great for ADHD. This is basically like the reward charts you'd use with a younger child. Any info about how to use a points system will help. Alan Kazdin is great on this. There's a course on coursera called the ABCs of Everyday Parenting.

Sorry that's a lot of stuff to recommend at once! If you can spend an hour or so just looking at each blurb or social media page to get a rough idea, then you'll probably get some sense of which (one, maybe 2-3 max) you want to start with.

I wouldn't replace either. For a start your ds will probably break it out of resentment. It's going to cause massive arguments if she has one and he doesn't. They are too young to need tablets of their own as they have proved by fighting and breaking them.

You'd be an utter mug to send the message that if they break something it gets replaced. I'd not replace dds til Christmas earliest and ds not get one.