AIBU to replace DDs tablet but not DS'?

[Notts90]

Bit of background.

My son has SEN. No specific label yet but learning disability. Currently waiting to find out if accepted on the ASD/ADHD pathway.

Anyway, he is prone to aggressive outbursts. The other day his tablet wasn't responding so he chucked it and smashed it. I've already said I won't be replacing.

This morning him and DD were bickering. (DP was downstairs in the bathroom and I was upstairs with baby) DD apparently walloped him with her cardigan. (He wouldn't give her her toy.. 🙄) in retaliation he has now chucked her tablet and cracked the screen.

I am so fed up of these outbursts. School seem to think its confidence related but I'm not too sure? Probably a mix of things.

AIBU to replace DDs given that she didn't throw hers herself?

YABU to only replace one
YANBU to only replace one..

My son is autistic and has ADHD. I would replace the screen as it would be so distressing to him not to and to feel it was his fault that he didn't have his screen time which is part of his routine, which it is very stressful for him to go without, because he was unable to control himself - which he is, when he loses it, he is fully out of control and does not want to be behaving like that.

Increasingly, we are trying to focus on how he feels rather than the behaviour - it's not the behaviour that's the problem, it's the intense distress that causes the behaviour. If we can help him manage that and improve his emotional regulation, then obviously that's better for him but also it has the effect of reducing the behaviour. We do also limit screen time, though, as we find he gets really disregulated if he has too much.

In your position I would try to read up on autism and ADHD a bit if you think that's what he has - for us, understanding more about our son's triggers and what he needs has helped a lot - we're still at the beginning of the journey, but lots of downtime, at least one whole day each weekend when he doesn't have to socialise at all, a good, consistent, predictable routine - we have a calendar on the wall with everything that's coming up written on it as well as a consistent weekly pattern - no last minute changes, exercise, especially time bouncing, swinging etc for proprioceptive input as he needs that, a home environment that is tidy and low-chaos, no wearing clothes that irritate him, soft stretchy fabrics only, minimum of subway journeys as that stresses him out. I'm not going to lie, it's a pain in the arse sometimes that we have to plan EVERYTHING, we can't really socialise in big groups, we definitely can't do group holidays or go to parties as a family really, but he's so much happier than he was and that is the main thing. You've been given some really good recommendations here but a specialist just recommended 'Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child' by John Gottman to me, which is not focused only on SEN kids so I'm hoping it will help with DD (and me and DH....) as well.

Oh just to add - if DS broke his tablet, it would be because he lost control. But he might well do other destructive things out of anger that weren't to do with a loss of control. So in saying that I'd replace, I'm not saying you should, necessarily, or that there's no such thing as bad behaviour for an autistic/ADHD child. I was responding more to the broader fact that you sound like you're struggling and hoping my experience could be of some use!

SN or not he has to learn there are consequences to his outbursts. Replace your DD tablet but not DS's. Maybe he could ask Santa for one.

Yes, replace hers and not his.