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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DS’s friend staying for a week

84 replies

mmiccio · 05/11/2023 21:48

I'm looking for opinions as I've never been in this situation and I don't know what to do for the best.

My DS is 22, he became friends with a boy (17) a few months ago, DS has explained that he's been live streaming him playing games and he's for a few hundred followers so ‘famous’ but the boy messaged him on another social media and they started playing games together however they are now close and often video call each other. I am a bit wary of the friendship as the boy isn't yet an adult.

He lives a few hours away. Myself and DH went on holiday this week. DS didn't come as he didn't want to however we've found out that the friend came to visit on Monday until Wednesday and he stayed here. I am annoyed at DS for not telling us but he said it was last minute.

DS has asked if he can come at the end of this month and stay for a week, we've told DS we'll think about it but he's constantly asking as friend needs to book the train.

I'm unsure but DH thinks no, mainly due to the boys age and the age gap.

So WIBU to go with DH and say no or should we allow it?

OP posts:
OhNoForever · 06/11/2023 21:57

Too big an age gap. I think your ds is a bit creepy here tbh. I wouldn't be having a young person in my home for my adult son's entertainment.

Riverstep · 06/11/2023 22:15

mmiccio · 06/11/2023 19:40

I've spoken to DS and have told him his friend can't come and stay as I feel a week is too long, and we haven't met him.

He suggested 4/5 days. I still said no. He wasn't happy and said they want to see each other again before Christmas and it isn't our business if they're in a relationship or just friends

I wouldn’t be happy with this, if staying in your house for a week it is your business whether or not they are in a relationship. I’d find this disrespectful tbh and if my son couldn’t hold a mature conversation about his relationship, I wouldn’t view him as ready to be in one.

Maray1967 · 06/11/2023 22:34

I have a 23 year old son and my answer would be no. The age gap is worrying and you don’t even know this boy.

My 23 year old asks if it’s ok if his same age gf of 5 years stays one night. Yours needs to understand whose house he is living in.

Onelifeonly · 06/11/2023 22:44

I disagree with most posters. Your son is the elder so I don't know what you fear about the younger boy. Do you not trust your DS's judgement? It's not as if your DS hasn't met him.

If you don't want visitors, fair enough I suppose but our dds often have friends over night, especially our 22 year old, who also has often had her younger (long distance and met online through gaming) boyfriend to stay here. They look after themselves most of the time. I did get to meet his family early on, but not before she went to stay with them.

At 20, she met a 25 year old woman and they became besties for a while. I wasn't sure at first if it was sexual (she had not had a boyfriend at that time) although the older woman did talk about an ex boyfriend quite a bit. Dd used to stay at hers for weekends.

All I would do is check with the parents of the 17 year old in case he is either much younger or bunking school. But so what if it is sexual, as long as he is over 16 and your son isn't grooming or manipulating him? Where better than your house to suss that out?

PastorCarrBonarra · 06/11/2023 22:48

I share the PPs’ concerns but maybe your son’s compromise of four days is kind of ok. His welfare/happiness is your priority, and that way you can meet the boyfriend and assess the lay of the land without having the fella under your feet for a whole week.

Ballsbaill · 06/11/2023 23:56

PastorCarrBonarra · 06/11/2023 22:48

I share the PPs’ concerns but maybe your son’s compromise of four days is kind of ok. His welfare/happiness is your priority, and that way you can meet the boyfriend and assess the lay of the land without having the fella under your feet for a whole week.

It's their home. He can entertain his guest elsewhere when he's got his own place

Does he even work or pay rent

Original poster
mmiccio · 07/11/2023 17:06

DS works and he pays £100 a month in rent. He buys his own food and he very rarely eats meals we've made.

I spoke to him again last night and he's still asking if his friend can stay for 4 days, apparently they aren't in a relationship but friend has said he wants one but isn't ready yet.

I'm still unsure what to do

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 07/11/2023 17:13

I'd speak to the boy's parents.

Also, 17 and 22 is a bit much don't you think? It's not the fact it's 5 years (my husband is 10 years older than me) it's 5 years at this age. It's too much. It feels uncomfortable.

HollaHolla · 07/11/2023 17:15

Difficult one. When I was 21, I went home to live after Uni. I was allowed my Uni boyfriend of 2 years to stay, but not in my room. My parents didn't want 'anything going on under our roof!' - like we hadn't been practically living together for our final year at Uni - but anyway. We respected their wishes, and he slept in the spare bedroom, except when he crept in for a wee midnight visit.
But, their house, their rules. Same with it being your house, your rules.
Sounds like they're exploring the early stage of a relationship. I think it would be the age difference, and the length of stay I'd be most concerned about.

MeridianB · 07/11/2023 17:45

The 17yo has said he’s not ready for a relationship. So why is your son pushing so hard for him to stay for several nights? This would really worry me - that your son is going to use the time to try to persuade him. And he seems to want to do it asap - can’t even wait for school hols.

This clearly (understandably) makes you uncomfortable. How would you feel if this was reversed and your DS was the 17yo here?

And presumably there’s a reason why your DS isn’t entertaining the idea of going to stay with the boy for a week?

It would be really interesting to have a conversation with the 17yo’s parents. I wonder if your DS would even give you their number…….

HamBone · 07/11/2023 17:46

I’d be honest with your DS and explain that you’re hesitating because this boy is legally still a minor. Yes, they can legally have a sexual relationship, but as he’s under 18 and presumably in education, it’s a tricky situation-what do his parents/guardian think about him staying hours away from home with someone whom they’ve never met? They might call the police and accuse your DS of all sorts.

Perhaps that sounds OTT to some people, but your DS would be blamed if anything went wrong, as he’ll be the responsible adult.

Once his friend turns 18 next spring, they’ll both be adults.

Original poster
mmiccio · 07/11/2023 22:23

DS has said they both want to see each other again before Christmas, that they've talked about where they want to go etc. He's said there's more to do here then there is where friend lives and friend has said he wants to come to a Christmas market here.

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 07/11/2023 22:37

He's above the age of consent. They have the right to enter a relationship if they both want to. I think you should allow it (although maybe a shorter time if you're not comfortable with a week-long guest).

The100AcreWood · 07/11/2023 22:38

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HamBone · 07/11/2023 22:54

@mmiccio So his parents are on board and fine with the plan? If they’re comfortable, that’s a big plus.

Ballsbaill · 07/11/2023 22:58

mmiccio · 07/11/2023 17:06

DS works and he pays £100 a month in rent. He buys his own food and he very rarely eats meals we've made.

I spoke to him again last night and he's still asking if his friend can stay for 4 days, apparently they aren't in a relationship but friend has said he wants one but isn't ready yet.

I'm still unsure what to do

If you're not sure don't allow it.

17 yo has said he isn't ready for a relationship. It's asking for trouble to have him stay in that case. Say no: not under your roof.

£100 a month rent is very low.

jennylamb1 · 07/11/2023 23:01

I think you should let the friend stay for a couple of days, however the boundaries are: it's two days, you're at home to keep an eye if need be and the other boy needs to provide contact info for his parents so that they are aware of where he is and with whom.

PestilencialCrisis · 07/11/2023 23:05

If your DH doesn't want this 17yo in your house, then you would be unreasonable to go against that. How would you feel if you didn't want someone in your house and your partner overruled it and invited them to stay (for a week!) anyway?

Circumferences · 07/11/2023 23:18

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While I agree with this, eg I had moved out of my parent's home and went to London aged 19, and wouldn't have met people online playing computer games, things are different now.
I think young adults have a harder time of things in many socioeconomic ways nowadays.

Nevertheless, OP it's your home and you have the final say in who can stay in it or not!

NameChange30 · 07/11/2023 23:28

Argh, wrote a long post and lost it!

It could all be fine but the secrecy is worrying and I would want to know more about the friend - is he in education (he should be in college or sixth form, at 17) and does he live with parents. I would want to know that his parents were aware and would want their contact details and to talk to them beforehand to check they are ok with it and he is not just lying about them giving permission. I think at 17 he is still technically a child and maybe you're "in loco parentis"? I don't know.

If your son wants you to trust him to be responsible, he needs to acknowledge that having someone to stay in your home without asking or even telling you beforehand was not ok.

Provided you can talk to the friends' parents I think I would agree to a weekend visit to begin with, and potentially longer visits in future depending how it goes.

If he doesn't like it he can move out - he's 22!

The100AcreWood · 07/11/2023 23:35

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Doodar · 08/11/2023 00:00

He can get a hotel.

Irritatedandfedup · 08/11/2023 00:11

My advice to if it was my son is not to get involved with a guy so much younger. He doesn’t want to be accused of anything. He needs to protect himself!

mylittleprince · 08/11/2023 00:42

I'd be concerned why a 22 year old man was interested in a 17 year old. I would feel the same if it was a boy/girl or girl/girl relationship. At 22 you are an adult who goes to work and should be socialising with others your own age not hanging around with school kids.

Sorry OP I'be sitting DS down and having a frank conversation.

Wonderously · 08/11/2023 00:56

I have a very open door policy with my eldest 21. He has various people to stay and I like that he combines family and friends. Due to the age gap I’d prefer the boy was 18 but I guess it’s legal even at 17.