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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DS’s friend staying for a week

84 replies

mmiccio · 05/11/2023 21:48

I'm looking for opinions as I've never been in this situation and I don't know what to do for the best.

My DS is 22, he became friends with a boy (17) a few months ago, DS has explained that he's been live streaming him playing games and he's for a few hundred followers so ‘famous’ but the boy messaged him on another social media and they started playing games together however they are now close and often video call each other. I am a bit wary of the friendship as the boy isn't yet an adult.

He lives a few hours away. Myself and DH went on holiday this week. DS didn't come as he didn't want to however we've found out that the friend came to visit on Monday until Wednesday and he stayed here. I am annoyed at DS for not telling us but he said it was last minute.

DS has asked if he can come at the end of this month and stay for a week, we've told DS we'll think about it but he's constantly asking as friend needs to book the train.

I'm unsure but DH thinks no, mainly due to the boys age and the age gap.

So WIBU to go with DH and say no or should we allow it?

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 06/11/2023 15:20

I thought of Breck Bednar too.

I think I’d want to know his parents, or wait till he’s 18.

IDoNotMoisturise · 06/11/2023 15:24

blimey, I met my DH at 17 with the same age gap and moved in with him straightaway , never thought anything of it, its a normal gap

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/11/2023 15:40

IDoNotMoisturise · 06/11/2023 15:24

blimey, I met my DH at 17 with the same age gap and moved in with him straightaway , never thought anything of it, its a normal gap

Times have changed. I was dating - or rather being taken advantage of - men from age 15. He’s nearly 18. It’s tricky, which is why the suggestion to speak to his parents is appropriate.

SkaneTos · 06/11/2023 15:42

Is it your son that is a famous gamer, or is it his friend?

NotLactoseFree · 06/11/2023 15:54

I agree that the age gap is concerning. It's not a crazy issue and as people on this thread have pointed out, friendships and relationships at this age with this gap are not completely unheard of. But they are unusual enough that there's good reason to be concerned.

When this boy stayed at your house while you were away... did your DS take pictures? Because of course there's a concern that this boy is not 17 at all.

But at its simplest, to allow a stranger to come to my home from far away when he was 17 is not something Id' do without a proper conversation.

One thing I will say is that young people meeting online is surprisingly common. I was chatting with someone at a party who has a similar situation with her 17 year old son. He has a girlfriend he met online. She is 16. and lives hours away. He went up to visit her a w while ago and if I recall correctly, this woman insisted on speaking to her parents before she agreed. But it has been quite stressful I think.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/11/2023 16:02

just say no. Simple as that. Really not hard.

ManateeFair · 06/11/2023 16:32

I wouldn't have any 'friend' staying for a week, personally. A week is a long time to put someone up.

However, that aside: I agree with your DH that they are probably in a relationship. And if they're not, I'd assume that at least one of them (whether that's your DS or the friend or both of them) is certainly hoping for a relationship.

I personally wouldn't be tremendously concerned about the age gap in isolation, whether they're friends or whether they're a couple, but I do think there are other factors here that make the age of the other lad more relevant. For example, would be concerned that a 17-year-old is proposing to come and stay for a week during term-time. A 17-year-old must legally be in full-time education/training, or working in an apprenticeship, or working part-time while in part-time education, so it shouldn't really be this easy for him to take off to a friend's house to hang out for a week. Fine for an adult - they can legally be unemployed and not in education, or they can be employed and can choose how they use their annual leave - but the situation needs clarifying when we're talking about a 17-year-old who isn't yet a legal adult.

Given that your own son is 22, obviously you are not typically used to policing his friendships, but if his 'friend' is 17 then I think you would, at the very least, need to know direct from his parents that they were happy for him to come and stay with your son for a week. At the same time, I can see that if perhaps they are in a relationship, or the 17-year-old is looking to start one, it might not be safe for him to explain this to his parents; for all we know they might be horrifically homophobic.

ManateeFair · 06/11/2023 16:37

caringcarer · 06/11/2023 15:09

The boy is 17. 16 is age of consent so how is this boy underage?

Show quote history

Yeah, he's not underage. He is a minor, but he's not underage. There are no legal implications for any sexual relationship here.

The fact that he is still legally a child is relevant in terms of whether he has parental permission to go away for a week to spend time hanging out with an adult, but not in terms of whether the relationship is sexual.

Cherrysoup · 06/11/2023 17:04

Just no, he doesn’t get to invite strangers into your house plus the kid would be missing school. Double no.

Original poster
mmiccio · 06/11/2023 17:21

DS is the gamer, but isn't famous. I realised I made a mistake in my OP. He has a few hundred followers and was live streaming him playing games as a hobby. The friend was a follower then messaged DS on other social media asking DS to play games with him.

I have seen pictures of him and he does look 17 so he isn't lying about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
mmiccio · 06/11/2023 19:40

I've spoken to DS and have told him his friend can't come and stay as I feel a week is too long, and we haven't met him.

He suggested 4/5 days. I still said no. He wasn't happy and said they want to see each other again before Christmas and it isn't our business if they're in a relationship or just friends

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 06/11/2023 20:04

I’d say they are in some form of relationship OP. Does DS have a job? It’s bit unusual to live at home in your 20s but it’s a bit concerning he’s hanging around with someone under the age of 18…yes it is not your business if they are in a relationship, they are both over the age of consent, but one is an adult and one is still legally classed as a child.

MummyJ36 · 06/11/2023 20:05

Sorry I meant it is not unusual to live at home in your 20s

Theeyeballsinthesky · 06/11/2023 20:06

Could you invite this friend over to meet you which might ease your concerns or is he just too far away?

girlfriend44 · 06/11/2023 20:36

It's got nothing to do with age.

You don't want someone in your house for a week that you've never met.
You've never met or spoken to his parents either.

Just say no.

GrumpNoDog · 06/11/2023 20:45

Ok so it sounds like they are in a relationship and it very much is your business. Answer is no. And that is a concerning age gap. 22 vs 17 is massive. Not ok to have an underaged boy having sex with your adult son in your house.

FictionalCharacter · 06/11/2023 20:56

I’d definitely say no. For one thing you don’t know him, you haven’t even met him.
You don’t know anything about him except that he’s a gamer. You don’t know whether his parents are ok with this. He might not live with his parents.
Your son has been less than honest in letting this boy stay without your knowledge while you were away. Do you know whether your son invited him?
I’d be asking your son outright whether there’s a relationship, instead of guessing.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 06/11/2023 21:08

mmiccio · 06/11/2023 19:40

I've spoken to DS and have told him his friend can't come and stay as I feel a week is too long, and we haven't met him.

He suggested 4/5 days. I still said no. He wasn't happy and said they want to see each other again before Christmas and it isn't our business if they're in a relationship or just friends

I wouldn’t want a guest either. DS can have guests when he has his own place.

Does he have a job, pay rent?

AmazingSnakeHead · 06/11/2023 21:09

Ok, so it's obviously a relationship. When I was 17 I had a 21 year old boyfriend, so not far off in age gap, but my mum would not have let him stay the week though!

MeridianB · 06/11/2023 21:21

Sorry OP but your son sounds immature and his behaviour, reactions and secrecy are all red flags with the age gap.

He had this child stay while you were away without asking and is now reacting badly when you say he can’t come back for a week.

I’d feel the same if it was a girl and put myself in the shoes of the teen’s parents - surely no one would be happy with with 17yo travelling miles away to stay with an unknown adult male for a week. It just doesn’t add up.

ThereIbledit · 06/11/2023 21:31

"not your business" does rather suggest a relationship.

EskSmith · 06/11/2023 21:38

Whether or not they are in a relationship it looks like your son is going to pursue this whatever.
I'd suggest perhaps this boy visits for 2 days - any longer is too long for a first time visitor. It should also mean he doesn't miss any education ( under 18 is required to be doing something).

If you say flat out no you tisk alienating your son completely. Compromise should keep the lines of communication open which is important.

Beautiful3 · 06/11/2023 21:42

Of course it's your business because it's your house and family. He doesn't properly know him either! You can't let him guilt trip you. When he has his own.place and.is over 18, he can do.what he likes.

Ballsbaill · 06/11/2023 21:43

mmiccio · 06/11/2023 19:40

I've spoken to DS and have told him his friend can't come and stay as I feel a week is too long, and we haven't met him.

He suggested 4/5 days. I still said no. He wasn't happy and said they want to see each other again before Christmas and it isn't our business if they're in a relationship or just friends

There is a very easy solution to this. Your 22 year old adult son can move out, get his own place and then he can have guests over to his hearts content.

Does he work? He needs to be planning to move out if he wants week long guests.

mrboombasticwhy · 06/11/2023 21:54

Maybe a long weekend?

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