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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this with dp over money

51 replies

vvuley · 05/11/2023 11:49

We have a 1 year old, the past 6 months i have been trying to make a new business work, its not a huge money maker at the min, anything i make goes right back in to cover costs. I am also starting something else on the side of it, just really trying to earn some money! A regular job and childcare doesn't work numbers wise.

Dp earns a little higher than usual, we each get spending money after all bills etc are covered, mine is always gone 2 weeks in. I am a bit of a spender but it really just goes on parking entertainment for lo and essentials.

I really hate when i run out of money, i try to make it last but short of not leaving the house there's not much more i can do.

When i have to ask dp for money it's horrible, i HATE asking people for money, i know it's different as its dp but to me its just a horrible feeling.

He does make me feel bad, moans that i spend money on bs, or just general huffing and puffing about it.

I just feel really crap, aibu, should i be doing more to contribute?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 05/11/2023 11:53

It's difficult to say without knowing the figures involved and what you consider to be essentials. And it's probably relevant how much spending money DH has as well.

Will your work eventually turn a profit?

It doesn't sound like a very equal partnership but it's hard to tell where the balance should be.

GrazingSheep · 05/11/2023 11:55

I am a bit of a spender but it really just goes on parking entertainment for lo and essentials.

Maybe list out exactly what you’re spending on.

BaronessBomburst · 05/11/2023 11:56

This might not be the best time for you and the family to try to set up a new business. You could look at bar work or waitressing in the evenings or weekends, presuming that your partner wouldn't be working then and could look after your DC. That would give you a (small) income. Once DC is a school or nursery you could look at using that time to work on your business.

halloweenhalfterm · 05/11/2023 11:58

What sort of entertainment is it for the little one?

Original poster
vvuley · 05/11/2023 12:01

@halloweenhalfterm
Local play groups / soft plays. I avoid the expensive ones.

OP posts:
ploob · 05/11/2023 12:02

Essentials for dc should be joint but depends what you class as essentials. What figures are involved? Can you make some immediate cash via vinted/ebay/fb? Also have a look at the 10 pound a day threads for wfh that you can do around dc that actually makes a profit.

Access to funds though should be joint with no need to ask for money.

Soapyspuds · 05/11/2023 12:02

Numbers needed.

halloweenhalfterm · 05/11/2023 12:03

How much is it costing? How often are you going? What's in your budget for entertainment for the child?

GettingStuffed · 05/11/2023 12:05

Write down everything you pay out of your spending money. It's so easy to just pay a couple of quid here and there and have nothing to show for it.

NalafromtheLionKing · 05/11/2023 12:06

He should be paying equally towards LO expenses unless you are being crazy extravagant. These expenses should be put in the bills pot when salary comes in and you left with equal spending money after that.

marmiteandminticecream · 05/11/2023 12:09

i'd tell him that he as to start paying half or contribute to dcs outings and essentials
why should it all come out of your money

Tinkerbyebye · 05/11/2023 12:17

Take the money you get to spend, divide by the number of weeks and think really carefully on spending, but also list everything that you spend your money on for your child and ask him for half

skyeisthelimit · 05/11/2023 12:17

MSE has a really good budget planner, you could download that to look at your household expenses, and also do a separate one for yourself.

any expenses related to the child should be joint and not just out of your money.

You do say that you are a "bit of a spender" though. So what do you spend your money on? As I say to DD, you can only spend it once. and you cant buy what you cant afford.

Make a list of everything that you buy - how much is essential and how much is not needed? I wouldn't want to be working full time while a partner threw the money down the drain on crap.

and your business/side hustle, are they genuine business, not a MLM?

PaperDoIIs · 05/11/2023 12:20

I need more information to decide. Do you get an equal amount after bills, but he only has to spend on himself, while you have yourself and DS? Why don't essentials come out of the household pot? What are these essentials? Have you used any of the money you get to put into the business? Does he spend all the money on himself or does he save/use it for things that benefit the whole household as well?

What number are we talking about? £150 a month for each, of course you are struggling, and probably need an extra,reliable income. Closer to 500 , it should be doable,but some months might be trickier than others. Closer to 1000? You are probably overspending.

Mrsttcno1 · 05/11/2023 12:23

Do both you and your partner get the same amount of “spending” money OP?

Doopydoo · 05/11/2023 12:24

The payments for child related activities should come out of the joint pot.

Coffeerum · 05/11/2023 12:25

Why does a regular job and childcare not work? What did you do for income until 1 year ago when you had a baby?

Its really impossible to say if your partner is being unreasonable or not by being annoyed at you always running out of money, it totally depends on how much his income is, how much the outgoings are, and how much you spend in general.

If you need extra income why can’t you pick up shifts around your partner’s job?

LongDarkTeatime · 05/11/2023 12:34

Spending for your DC is not your expense, it’s a family expense. Does your DP pay towards your DC activities too?

PlantMum23 · 05/11/2023 12:39

Personally I’d be going out and getting a job, and having my partner pay half of the childcare (or a fair proportion of your earnings are different)or getting a job working opposite hours - when my eldest was young, my partner (who took voluntary redundancy for childcare purposes) did delivery driving for a takeaway, and made around £50 per evening or £100 per weekend day profit.

Notimeforaname · 05/11/2023 13:01

I am a bit of a spender but it really just goes on parking entertainment for lo and essentials

There are two of your problems. You are spending a bit too much and if you already cover all bills, essentials should be included in that. Not your extra money.

FairyMaclary · 05/11/2023 13:06

How much are you spending? How much does he have left?

You say the childcare and you working numbers don’t work. The numbers may not work but the psychological effect of not going cap in hand to your partner will make it worthwhile. Plus if you focus on getting promoted it will be worth it if you get payrises.

Cosywintertime · 05/11/2023 13:07

You need to learn to live within your budget and means. If you really hated asking for money, you’d do more to earn it or you would live within your budget. The reality is you spend it knowing you will just ask for more.

pinkyredrose · 05/11/2023 13:08

Your discretionary spending shouldn't be going on essentials. You need a new budget.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 05/11/2023 13:46

You say you're a bit of a spender, what do you spend on?
Child related expenses should be shared
Who buys clothing and essentials for DC?
Write down everything you spend for a month to see just what you are spending on and then discuss?
Without that info it's hard to see if he has a point

Autiebibliophile · 05/11/2023 13:50

So you get the same amount but yours covers you and lo and his is just for him. I think I see the problem.

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