To feel like this with dp over money

[vvuley]

We have a 1 year old, the past 6 months i have been trying to make a new business work, its not a huge money maker at the min, anything i make goes right back in to cover costs. I am also starting something else on the side of it, just really trying to earn some money! A regular job and childcare doesn't work numbers wise.

Dp earns a little higher than usual, we each get spending money after all bills etc are covered, mine is always gone 2 weeks in. I am a bit of a spender but it really just goes on parking entertainment for lo and essentials.

I really hate when i run out of money, i try to make it last but short of not leaving the house there's not much more i can do.

When i have to ask dp for money it's horrible, i HATE asking people for money, i know it's different as its dp but to me its just a horrible feeling.

He does make me feel bad, moans that i spend money on bs, or just general huffing and puffing about it.

I just feel really crap, aibu, should i be doing more to contribute?

Is the business something that will be a proper earner or more something that has the possibility to earn but isn’t? This is one of those times you need to sit down and have a chat and say essentially at the mo you need to be a team and at some stage there’ll be more coming in but it’s not there at the moment but you can’t get guilt for just living (assuming you don’t go to soft play daily get a coffee, drink for lo, bun etc etc then it’s a normal family expense!!)

I'd make a list of what you spend on you, what you spend on dc and ask dh to do a list of his spendings. Then look at it at all.

Your DC needs a spending pot too, shouldn't come out of yours!

Why would a coffee, a carton of juice and a bun not be a normal family expense? It’s hardly a three course meal at The Ivy.

PlantMum23
every day though? I was saying if it’s a daily thing. Myself and dh take lunch into work to avoid spending anything extra on food and I think most families do the same so fine for a once a week thing but daily wouldn’t be great

All depends on what you are classifying as essentials, spending on soft plays more than occasional treats is a luxury to start with as is buying a coffee out etc.

A good exercise is to write down what you spend, that's everything, for a week, ideally a month and just see where it is going, when I did this we realised we were spending between us (joint account) £250 a month in supermarkets BEFORE all the prices went up (6 years ago now) it was on sandwiches, snacks, croissants, coffee to go, too much cake (waist line was suffering) him and me shopping daily in Waitrose and grabbing lunch there ... we could afford it but so wasteful.

Once you have worked out what you're spending on between you you need to write a budget that is fair to you at this stage and your dp

Is your business an MLM? If so uts vanishingly unlikely you'll make any money.

I agree with others. Spending on your LO is a joint expense and should not come out of your individual spends. You need to re-plan. Agree pocket money for each of you (same each) and all joint costs come out of the joint account, inc soft play, parking associated with that, clothes and toys.

Those are treats. Most families have to ration their treats. I think it's fair for OP to pay for her coffee and bun out of her own money as it's not essential spending on LO. That's what I did when my little ones were young and our money was really tight, though usually I just didn't have a coffee when we were at soft play.

Yes.. and bits for the house too?

He may genuinely not have thought about this, but write down what you spend for you, the baby, and any other things eg groceries, and then rearrange the pots.

I think it sounds like you have a tight budget and need to limit activities to free ones with the baby. I could go all week without spending money and still take my toddler out and be entertained every day - packed lunch and snacks, going to the park and farm on dry days, museums and libraries and children's centres on wer days, all within walking distance. No need to travel miles and pay for parking and soft play entry and paying for food or drinks when out. Nice to do occasionally but only if you can afford it.

A regular job and childcare doesn't work numbers wise.

Why not? It's what most people do. And why does this business that has yet to make a profit work better?

I’d understand if it was something extravagant; but I’d consider those to be part of the experience of taking my kid to soft play - if I was “treating” myself to a coffee it would absolutely not be in a soft play. If I wasn’t at soft play, I’d be at home drinking coffee. Therefore, the extra cost of the coffee at soft play is a direct result of taking my child to soft play. It’s a treat for my child, not me. Most (all?) soft plays don’t allow you to take in food or drink from outside, and it’s unrealistic that everyone goes several hours without food and drink when they are running around after kids - plus every soft play I’ve ever been to is either hotter than hell, or an ice box. No in between.

If my partner begrudged me a coffee at soft play I’d have plenty to say about it. That being said; I worked and earned my own money, so could do what I liked with it.

I see what you mean but when money is tight, something has to give. I guess the other option could be that you go to soft play less often because it effectively costs more. It was not a problem for me to just take water in. I don't see it as begrudging, it's just about budgeting. I also worked and earned my own money but most of it was spent on essentials. We joined our cash. It wasn't that my OH was living the life of riley whilst I was brassic.

If your DP is the breadwinner then it's his money to give out and although it's demeaning you will have to keep asking.

Does he pay you for the childcare you perform, that allows him to go to work and earn a salary that he can use to lord it over you? If not, maybe you should start charging him for childcare services.

And then he could start charging her for bills.

Is he DP & not DH?

Be careful here! If you aren't married you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position, Can you look at going back to work?

I know you say the figures don't work but he should pay half of the childcare bill which should help!

True, but she also gets to set her hourly rate, charge overtime at a higher rate, etc. Men, IMO, often undervalue the work women do in the home because they see it as "free" in a "you'd have to be there anyway" kind of way. (But would I? I don't think so. If I didn't have children who needed care 24 hours per day, I would have kept working at the challenging, time-intensive career I loved.) So they assume that no matter how much unpaid work is piled on the woman, it's all worth zero. They also tend not to see the ways in which having someone else dedicated to the kids and housework helps their own career. Just imagine being able to remove laundry from your to-do list, forever. Nice.

Do you have the same personal spending? We do, but we also have an account for DS day to day spending for soft play, clothes anything else he needs, so that wouldn't come out of my money any more than it would DHs

so his money goes on himself and yours goes in the baby? Doesn’t sound fair you should split 50/50 what goes on lo and then share whatever’s left over

Surely the OP is being paid in kind, by having the bills and rent/mortgage etc covered by her partner?

Things for dc should be paid for out of shared money. However it does sound like your business is a bit of a vanity project and you need to start contributing - as long obviously as he then also steps up and does his fair share of childcare and house work.

Well, if he were reasonable, then that would work. But since she runs out of money 2 weeks into the month, and is made to feel horrible and like a spendthrift even though most of her spending is on essentials for her little one, then I would say, no, she is not being paid in kind. Being paid in kind would be if she could get through her entire month without having to beg her husband for money, because he recognizes that her care of the child allows him to bring in a paid income, and that he should share that with her equally. Given that, as she mentions, she's unable to work a regular job because of the childcare, then her being paid in kind would mean he should be sharing his income with her equally, not making her beg for money to get through month.