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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners comments regarding helping me

96 replies

Kilminchy123 · 05/11/2023 09:22

Hey guys,

im 25 weeks pregnant atm. I’ve been feeling really upset/burnt out this week from tiredness/hormones/DS not sleeping due to being unwell/teething and really bad sciatica pain where I have to drag my leg. I’ve expressed this to my partner who generally is kind.

we are going away today for the night and I was packing for the three of us yesterday evening and cleaning the house before we go so it’s not overwhelming to come back to. I was so tired afterwards as I had been up all night the night before with our toddler (this is purely my responsibility to cater to my son as my partner works I’m a SAHM)

my partner brought my son to his grandparents house for an hour and a half while I got everything done. When he came home I explained everything was packed and ready but I would just need him to clean the car (take out rubbish, bag up DS toys and change over buggy’s to the more comfortable one - 10 minutes would be more than enough to do this) and he very smartly answered and said ‘why would I clean YOUR car?’ - (very much a family car btw that we use when going off together and I use during the week SAHM)

maube it’s because I’m obviously sensitive but I kind of thought - why do I clean your shitty underpants , we help each other .. I then said no problem I’ll do it myself and was crippled all night with hip pain from sciatica and lifting the big pram back in and out of the car. AIBU to be upset??? Don’t want to talk to him. It’s not about the cleaning of the car it’s the fact all week I’ve expressed I’m so tired I’m worn out from pregnancy too and when I ask for help after packing everyone’s stuff that’s his response.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2023 09:26

He’s an absolute bastard. You poor thing 💐

Shinyandnew1 · 05/11/2023 09:26

he very smartly answered and said ‘why would I clean YOUR car?’

my partner who generally is kind.

He doesn’t sound very kind. Is this comment out of character? I would have said something then, rather than cleared the car out myself.

Missedmytoe · 05/11/2023 09:29

Why are you doing all the packing and cleaning? He could have dropped off your DC and come back and helped. Or dropped you and DS off, then packed his own stuff/tided up.
Doesn't sound very kind to me.

Kats43 · 05/11/2023 09:30

Kilminchy123 · 05/11/2023 09:22

Hey guys,

im 25 weeks pregnant atm. I’ve been feeling really upset/burnt out this week from tiredness/hormones/DS not sleeping due to being unwell/teething and really bad sciatica pain where I have to drag my leg. I’ve expressed this to my partner who generally is kind.

we are going away today for the night and I was packing for the three of us yesterday evening and cleaning the house before we go so it’s not overwhelming to come back to. I was so tired afterwards as I had been up all night the night before with our toddler (this is purely my responsibility to cater to my son as my partner works I’m a SAHM)

my partner brought my son to his grandparents house for an hour and a half while I got everything done. When he came home I explained everything was packed and ready but I would just need him to clean the car (take out rubbish, bag up DS toys and change over buggy’s to the more comfortable one - 10 minutes would be more than enough to do this) and he very smartly answered and said ‘why would I clean YOUR car?’ - (very much a family car btw that we use when going off together and I use during the week SAHM)

maube it’s because I’m obviously sensitive but I kind of thought - why do I clean your shitty underpants , we help each other .. I then said no problem I’ll do it myself and was crippled all night with hip pain from sciatica and lifting the big pram back in and out of the car. AIBU to be upset??? Don’t want to talk to him. It’s not about the cleaning of the car it’s the fact all week I’ve expressed I’m so tired I’m worn out from pregnancy too and when I ask for help after packing everyone’s stuff that’s his response.

Sorry, all can say is how sad feel for you that find yourself pregnant, with a toddler and such an awful partner xx Hope you meet someone better in future

Cherrysoup · 05/11/2023 09:30

Why did you pack for him? It sounds like you do everything? Asking why he should clean your (family) car is an epically shit response. If it’s yours, then he no longer gets to use it. Wanker.

Sauvblanctime · 05/11/2023 09:32

What an utter cunt

PonyPatter44 · 05/11/2023 09:35

If he won't clean your car, why are you washing and packing his clothes?

Comtesse · 05/11/2023 09:37

so his initial response was pretty crap but what if you had followed up with “no I’m serious my back hurts and I’m knackered please could you do it?”

Of course, you shouldn’t have to be pushy like that, but don’t let him get away with it!

Iam4eels · 05/11/2023 09:37

I was so tired afterwards as I had been up all night the night before with our toddler (this is purely my responsibility to cater to my son as my partner works I’m a SAHM)

Him working does not absolve him of parenting duty when he is at home. I was a SAHM for ten years, DH and I agreed I'd be solely responsible for whatever was going on between 6am and 6pm - which is when he was out of the house at work - and anything going on between 6pm and 6am was joint responsibility as we'd both finished 'work' then and would be taken care of by whichever of us was best placed to do so. If you've been up all night, he should be putting in more effort the following morning to give you a chance to recharge.

AIBU to be upset???

YANBU and he's a complete dick. He thinks the S in SAHM stands for servant and that he doesn't have the lift a finger because going to work covers his share of the adulting. This needs nipping in the bud because it'll only get worse the longer it's allowed to slide.

How receptive is he to talking about the issue? He needs to be made aware that the mental and physical load of running the house and parenting needs to be more equally divided and that he needs to be putting more into the equation than just going to work and then expecting you to do everything else.

user1471556818 · 05/11/2023 09:39

Well lesson learned I hope .stop packing for him he is an adult .I have never understood why woman do all the packing .
Obviously your car so he never drives it again .
Actually I would sit down and just tell him how this has made you feel and how your physically feeling at the moment and you need more help from him moving forward.
Then depending on his response you can take some action

C8H10N4O2 · 05/11/2023 09:39

Shinyandnew1 · 05/11/2023 09:26

he very smartly answered and said ‘why would I clean YOUR car?’

my partner who generally is kind.

He doesn’t sound very kind. Is this comment out of character? I would have said something then, rather than cleared the car out myself.

Agree - if its not very out of character then its possibly "my partner who generally guilt trips me rather than snarking at me directly". Once offs are generally recognised and don't trigger posts to forums.

We have so many posts about selfish, disengaged or unkind partners with the add on "but he's a great dad" - its very hard to acknowledge you have gone into partnership with someone who is fundamentally a bit of an arse.

Sparklfairy · 05/11/2023 09:41

I don't understand why you didn't answer smartly back, instead opting to martyr yourself and let him off the hook.

‘why would I clean YOUR car?’
-'Because I've done all the other prep for this holiday, it's the least you can do'
-'Because we're supposed to be equal partners, I've packed your clothes to help you out, you clean out the car to help me out'
-'Okay, don't bother, but you won't be coming in MY car later then'.

LittleMooli · 05/11/2023 09:42

Why do you clean his pants?

Original poster
Kilminchy123 · 05/11/2023 09:45

I know I do take it upon myself to do everything I feel an obligation to upkeep the house do all the laundry have everything organised/packed away because I no longer work and I stay at home with my DS which I’m often told most moms would only love to be in my position if I ever do complain with the overload so I just say nothing.

he knew I was upset when he said it but I am quite proud and done it myself probably out of stubbornness and would satisfy him to beg for help which probably is my own fault I should have demanded he done it.

i would never generally ask as I am quite good at keeping up with everything but I’m just so tired at the moment. He is a great dad but in terms of helping around the house/helping during the night that is non existent. If I ever ask for anything he just won’t do it for days and days so I don’t bother anymore

OP posts:
RoseyLentil · 05/11/2023 09:48

Yeah, he's not your husband/Partner he's your Master.
I'd not be standing for his crap. He sounds like an abusive cunt tbh.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/11/2023 09:48

He sounds really horrible. And he doesn’t sound generally kind at all.

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 05/11/2023 09:49

You packed HIS clothes? What an absolute prick he is. He didn't need to toddle off while you packed, he could have just helped like a normal person would have. And then he let you swap prams and everything. Wow.

Sparklfairy · 05/11/2023 09:50

he knew I was upset when he said it but I am quite proud and done it myself probably out of stubbornness and would satisfy him to beg for help which probably is my own fault I should have demanded he done it.

Have you ever thought he's manipulating you into doing it all knowing exactly that your 'stubbornness' means you'll do it out of some misplaced sense of pride?

Haydenn · 05/11/2023 09:50

So his contribution to helping was to take the kid round to the grandparents, where presumably he was given a cup of tea whilst granny entertained and looked after the child. He sounds like a real trooper.

being a stay at home mum doesn’t relegate you to being a slave around the house and being responsible for absolutely everything.

he sounds like a pig. A lazy one at that

Younghearts · 05/11/2023 09:51

Your post screams to me that you aren’t a team.

”I cater for sons needs all night as DH works and I’m SAHM”

”Why would I clean YOUR car”

I think he needs a head wobble and being told you’re a team not a him vs you.

If my DH hears our son during the night he will go in and comfort him and get him back to sleep. I do two thirds of any wake ups (luckily no feeds but he does like to stir or chat during the night every couple hours - he’s 8mo) but my DH does his fair share. As soon as he is home from work he is in dad mode. We both understand we work hard.

It seems like he thinks because he is working he is immune to doing any of the childcare or house work.

Kats43 · 05/11/2023 09:53

It’s not the fact you do everything as an SAHM if you were both happy enough with that dynamic. It’s the fact that your pregnant, exhausted and in pain and he’s made it clear he doesn’t care at bit, sorry even if he worked a 100 hours a week and you usually had a full time housekeeper and nanny his behaviour would be unacceptable

TheSmallAssassin · 05/11/2023 09:53

How exactly is he a great dad?

wildwestpioneer · 05/11/2023 09:56

He's not kind and he's not a good dad - neither one of those would have seen their wife struggle and happily watch them suffer. What's he teaching his children? That men can opt out of family care and treat their wives with utter disrespect and treat them as slaves. That not a kind and good dad

Doggymummar · 05/11/2023 09:57

I would've using this break to revaluate if we were going to stay together. He wouldn't be getting away with that shit anymore. Kid is your responsibility from 6am to 6pm then it's handover time while you do dinner after 8pm it's shared responsibility. You can even swap between bedtime routine and cooking dinner but he picks up the minute he is through the door.

Chipsahoyagain · 05/11/2023 09:57

Op you've got it all wrong this is why you're in this shit. Why does you being a sahm mean you are also the skivvy?? And stop deluding yourself- he isn't kind. He lets you get on with most of the child and house car, watches you in pain and carries on. Why are you enabling this. Your attitude of being so grateful that he's working while you sah is where things are wrong. He sounds horrible and I bet taking your ds to his gps meant that he didn't help but rather dumped your ds on them.