Partners comments regarding helping me

[Kilminchy123]

Hey guys,

im 25 weeks pregnant atm. I’ve been feeling really upset/burnt out this week from tiredness/hormones/DS not sleeping due to being unwell/teething and really bad sciatica pain where I have to drag my leg. I’ve expressed this to my partner who generally is kind.

we are going away today for the night and I was packing for the three of us yesterday evening and cleaning the house before we go so it’s not overwhelming to come back to. I was so tired afterwards as I had been up all night the night before with our toddler (this is purely my responsibility to cater to my son as my partner works I’m a SAHM)

my partner brought my son to his grandparents house for an hour and a half while I got everything done. When he came home I explained everything was packed and ready but I would just need him to clean the car (take out rubbish, bag up DS toys and change over buggy’s to the more comfortable one - 10 minutes would be more than enough to do this) and he very smartly answered and said ‘why would I clean YOUR car?’ - (very much a family car btw that we use when going off together and I use during the week SAHM)

maube it’s because I’m obviously sensitive but I kind of thought - why do I clean your shitty underpants , we help each other .. I then said no problem I’ll do it myself and was crippled all night with hip pain from sciatica and lifting the big pram back in and out of the car. AIBU to be upset??? Don’t want to talk to him. It’s not about the cleaning of the car it’s the fact all week I’ve expressed I’m so tired I’m worn out from pregnancy too and when I ask for help after packing everyone’s stuff that’s his response.

So you'll have 2 kids with a partner that does nothing with the house and kids. I'd be very careful and try to go back to work as soon as you can so you don't rely on him financially. What a shit father and husband he is.

You are unreasonable because you did it in the end. You needed to actually say what was in your head. Things can't change if you don't speak up, OP

" He is a great dad", no he isn't. Have you been able to parent as well as you could if you wasn't so tired and in pain? Both the f you will be suffering because your DH won't do his share. He isn't kind, he isn't a good dad or partner. When he takes DS to his parents, does his Mum take over? You need to start speaking up, he's banking on you not saying anything and him getting away with doing nothing.

Yet another useless man and martyr wife.

'He helps around the house.' It's not helping if he lives there too, is it.

It's not 'helping' to look after his child, it's called being a parent. How do women get themselves into these shit relationships? Sorry but the more I read these forums the more I despair at the partners that people are choosing to have children with. It's baffling. Best part is that you are pregnant again! Why? Why would you do it again with such an 'unhelpful' man?

It’s not a ‘lucky position’ to be someone’s slave. I can’t see many applying for that job.

A messy car is the least of your problems. He's a lazy arse and you're now going to have a lot more work with another child on the way.

I can’t believe you pack for a grown man! He works, he’s not a fucking king. I work and still manage to pack my own bags. You’re turning yourself into his skivvy, having a job doesn’t mean you don’t have to do anything else, most of us manage to work and still cook, clean and pack for ourselves.

I'm constantly amazed by the amount of women who put up with this sort of crap and then say "he's a great dad"

Well no because a great dad...
Treats the mother of his child well.
Takes on the mental load of planning what will be needed to ensure the child is comfortable and safe in different circumstances.
Does his share of the jobs
Gets up in the night occasionally
Recognises when the person carrying his child is exhausted and in pain and does something about it.

As a first step, please have higher standards about what a "great dad" is op.

In what way is he a great Dad? And when?

Understandably he cannot actively parent whilst he is out at work, but he doesn’t do any of the night wakings ( not even at weekends when apparently he is not at work or doing housework?).

He’s not a great partner. Who would expect an exhausted, sleep deprived, heavily pregnant woman to be clearing out the family car and changing buggies around? Does he not realise that the need arose as you have been transporting your joint child in the car?

I am sorry but I also don’t think you are lucky to be a SAHM. You have given up/ seriously paused any form of career progression to care for your joint children, whilst taking on all home responsibilities, which has allowed your partner to concentrate fully on his work - and you aren’t even married. If you split up you will get no benefit from all of the support you are giving him.

I hate this helping shit, who's he helping, everything isn't your responsibility ffs.

This. You seem to be in a very unlucky and shitty position.

Why are you packing for an adult, this is really weird. Stop being a martyr and act as the adult you are.

He's not a great dad. He's not looking at his unborn child by not looking after you. You have to do your job on a rubbish nights sleep but he can't do his on bad nights sleep. Women in US go back to work after 6 weeks and can still do their job. Your husband can have a couple of nights interrupted sleep. Or you agree Fri/Sat nightsbare his nights to get up with child.
You need to start seeing some ground rules. You'll have 2 young children soon.
Firstly you're a stay at home MOTHER, not a house keeper. Play the game by his logic, go full throttle on it for the next week to prove the point. Why would I cook your dinner, why would I wash your clothes, why would I buy your deodorant, why would I clean up your mess. Long term I suggest you stop doing his laundry and let him be a big boy and do that himself.
Write down all the tasks that get done monthly for the family (household and administrative) and list ones you do vs him. You'll see the disparity very quickly from knowing when child needs new clothes, booking vaccinations, planning dinner, shopping for dinner, paying insurance, etc etc. Then start allocating fairly.

He’s not a good dad either, your child doesn’t sound like they’d be alive if they only had his ‘parenting’ to rely on, and frankly, I doubt you’d call a woman a good mum if she only did what he does.

Lots of victim blaming. If men are shit, it's always women's fault for letting them.

Why can this DH not be a decent human being and clear a car that is needed for a journey without being a cunt about it and without having to be nagged/threatened/cajoled?

You know what OP? I think it's time to go on strike. I'd sit down with him and tell him what you've told us here. Tell him that you are hugely disappointed that his refusal to clear out a car (5 minute job?) left you in pain. And you are shocked that a man that you thought loved you would be so inconsiderate and uncaring. And therefore from now on, you will not be cooking, cleaning or laundering for him. Stop running after him. Sort yourself out and your DC. Clean if you must but ignore his things.

Tell him if he's not happy with it, he can move out and you'll be speaking to your solicitor and the CMS.

And start thinking about how you can get back to work.

I despair. The cognitive dissonance here - “he’s a great dad”. No. He is demonstrably not.

Your job is a SAHP.

This job lasts the same amount of time as your DH’s job.

When you are home the housework and parenting is 100% your responsibility.

When you’re both at home it’s 50/50.

You are not the maid.

Tell him that seeing as you just pack HIS case and cleaned HIS mess, then the least he can do is help you with your car.

When I read posts like yours OP I wish men like your DH would face a day of constant harassment during which every woman he encounters would tell him what a selfish cunt he is. Did you get pregnant all by yourself? Does he not give a toss about your health? You should have left him behind

You need to reframe this. You're not asking for 'help', you're asking him to pull his weight. That's not unreasonable. He should be doing it without being asked.

Please stop doing everything because he will happily do less and less and less and less and less while you struggle to do everything because - I get it - you don't want to sit on your arse and be useless and lazy. You want to be a competent, independent individual. But if you carry on with this trajectory you will end up exhausted, burnt out, miserable and resentful.

Picture this; You clean the house, leave for a few hours to do the weekly shop, come back to a wrecked house that somehow you're responsible for cleaning again, 'partner' sitting on his arse watching TV, one child needing a nappy, both children needing something to eat. They both walk past their father to start asking you for X, Y, Z while you're still struggling to bring in the shopping. No-one offers to help to bring it in or to put it away because they're used to you doing everything.

It's too late for me but I implore you; save yourself!!

You need to re think your definition of a great dad and kind!
He is neither,.
being a SAHP does not mean you have to do everything, where did you get that idea from??

Great df's don't make their dc's dm feel like shit... Stop being his maid...

To the PP who mentioned victim blaming, maybe it comes across that way in my previous post. It's not intended that way. The crux of it is that in most cases these women are actually choosing these men. I just want to know why they are settling for sub-standard partners/fathers.

Nothing to do with being a victim - everything to do with making poor choices!

Unfortunately there aren't crystal balls to tell us how men will be as parents. Women have been programmed for 100's of years to be the homemaker. This generation (people 30/40's) are one of the first that have had such successful careers, and often earning more than partners. It's an extremely hard pattern/mentality to break to see that there is equal household load on both partners. We've also had the "women can have it all mentality" and we can't. We physically and mentally cannot do all that is expected of us. Discussions and assumptions of how men will be after children are born often don't ring through.
Those that came before us burnt their bras but perhaps they should have just put them in a drawer as all we are now is allowed to do "men's" jobs while still doing the "women's" jobs. We've doubled our load along with our opportunities.

What a cunt.
i’m a sahm and my husband would absolutely volunteer to help in the night especially if I was pregnant.
there would be no question of him helping sort the car - heck even the fucking neighbours would help with the car if they saw me out and knew I was pregnant.

he’s not your partner OP.

@Kilminchy123 can you give an example of him being kind?

@Scalottia hes just a boyfriend.
@Kilminchy123 are you dependent on this crap man to house you? It doesn’t sound like he’s of great quality, best to get back in to employment as soon as possible.