An Auntie/Uncle One

[TheOutlaws]

For context: PILs are mid/late 70s but a bit more ‘1950s teens’ than ‘1960s teens’. Fairly working/lower-middle class upbringing but socially mobile.

Yesterday, in conversation, I enquired after their niece. ‘Obnoxious, as usual’ came the response from MIL. ‘She refuses to call me Auntie M, and just uses my name. It’s disrespectful to her elders.’ FIL piped up, ‘children should respect their elders’. Niece is 57

DH says they’re old-fashioned and there’s a lot more to their upset than just the presenting issue of Auntie-calling (he’s right, of course). But this just isn’t a concern in my family, IMO it’s disrespectful of PILs to take offence and pull rank. Additionally, I feel bad for calling them by their first names for 20 years, because they must think I’m disrespectful and impudent.

YABU: even 57 year olds should call their elders Auntie/Uncle.

YANBU: this is stupid, first name terms in this context is in no way disrespectful.

That’s hilarious.

It’s basic respect. Modern life tends to have less than yesteryear

I’d say I was under ten the last time I addressed any of my parents’ siblings as ‘auntie’ or ‘uncle’.

Ridiculous about their niece. But in your case, what do they think you should have called them for the past 20 years, if not their first names? Surely not auntie/uncle as you're not their niece?

@FeliciteFaff

Isn't it lacking in respect to call your niece ‘obnoxious’ and ‘a child’?

@RedCoffeeCup

I don’t know I just call them ‘grandma’ etc now, because I don’t know what else to do. They never specified! DH didn’t tell me any of this, either.

Okay 96% IANBU, I feel a bit less confused now!

PILs will never change, I guess attitudes like theirs just need to quietly leave the room now.

I'm middle aged and still call my Auntie & Uncle Auntie & Uncle! Why wouldn't I? It seems weird to have to change it arbitrarily. What age is the cut off point?

I think it’s just a difference in attitudes. I’m in my mid 40s and my DH finds it hilarious that I call (and refer to) my uncle (actually by marriage) as “Uncle Simon”. In my DH’s eyes, only small children do this. I can accept it seems a bit twee, but I’ve always been enormously don’t of Uncle Simon and so that’s just who he is to me! I don’t think there’s a right or wrong (although it does seem a bit silly to get so worked up about it). Could just be a generational thing; my own mother has a real bee in her bonnet about being called Mrs X rather than her first name for similar reasons by almost anyone who isn’t a friend - whereas I find that incredibly old fashioned and rather odd.

…..I’ve always been fond of Uncle Simon. Not don’t. Damn the autocorrect!

@Q2C4 Thats exactly my point, the whole thing is arbitrary, as are all cultural matters. If you stopped using Auntie, does that mean you don’t respect your Auntie anymore, and you’re ‘obnoxious’ all of a sudden?

We grew up calling our aunts and uncles by their first name, and called our grandparents' siblings aunt Anne and uncle Jim etc

My cousins call all their aunts and uncle, Uncle Andy etc.

It always sounded a bit formal to us, because we don't do it. My sister in particular doesn't like it when adults call other adults Auntie.

I pointed out that her toddlers were referring to me as Auntie Irritable because she was calling me that. So they'd more than likely continue to do it as grown ups. She, and they, dropped calling me Auntie soon after.

I’m in my late 50’s

i still call my aunts and uncles by their titles, I just wouldn’t feel right doing other.

all my nieces and nephews call me aunt except one who has called me by my first name since she was about 12, I’ve always found this upsetting, I’m proud to be her auntie, but I went with it, her parents had just separated and my SIL started referring to me by first name I think it was to upset her ex (my brother) he didn’t want a fuss so I went with it.

my grandchildren call their parents sibling’s aunt and uncle, it’s not something I’ve had any say in but I love to hear it.

in my opinion it’s not a respect thing it’s a family thing, it’s being proud to say that person is part of me and I’m part of them

I still call my Aunties, Auntie. I don't have many left now I'm in my 50s.

I don't expect any of my nieces or nephews to call me Auntie though.

Times have changed and life is too short and too precious for this to bother me. Covid taught me that, I'm just happy to my family.

YANBU and they sound like miserable gits (sorry to your PIL but I don’t know them so 🤷🏼‍♀️). But I still call my parents’ siblings “aunty” and “uncle”, just because it flows naturally. My grown up nieces and nephews call me “aunty” too. (Although I have strictly forbidden my niece, who is only 10 years younger than me, from saying it too loudly it when we’re on nights out 😄)

Different families do things differently and that’s ok. It’s definitely odd to call a 57YO woman “obnoxious” because of it though.

My parents have many nephews and niece's and are still called Auntie and Uncle by their nieces but the nephews call them by their first names. My Dad is only 6 years older than his eldest nephew who was 21 when my parents married. I imagine the others called them Auntie and Uncle when they were children but there are no demands now.

I've only got one Auntie left now and I still call her Auntie however some of her nieces who live away and have stayed with her have dropped the Auntie.

My niece, 13, just calls me Auntie and as I'm her only Auntie she will always call me that.

If I speak about them I will say my aunt/uncle so and so if I speak to them I just use their name. I'm similar age to the obnoxious cousin 😁

My children are the same about their aunts and uncles.

I called mil and fil by their first names the first many years dh and I were married. After 15 years of marriage fil had passed and mil just became mum. She and did however have this conversation before dh and I married and I was told. "You can call me what you like my dear" I could not use the shortening of her name as in my native language its a rude word.. so for many years I was the only one to call her by her full name.

I'm in my late 50's as well and still refer to the ones I have left as Aunty & Uncle.

Additionally, I feel bad for calling them by their first names for 20 years, because they must think I’m disrespectful and impudent.

Sorry, but what else would you have called them? You’ve said you call them eg grandma now, but before you had kids, what do you think you should have called them other than their first names??!

Does it have to be so black and white?

Perhaps they have formed the opinion of her on other factors but this is the easiest one to point to.

I (40s) address my aunts as 'auntie' more often now because I realised I felt disappointed when my own nephew (under 10) didn't. You don't get that relationship with many people.

All our older relatives have gone now ( give you an idea of how old we are). We both called our aunties and uncles aunty or uncle right up to the end. We also get called aunty or uncle by our nieces and nephews, even the older ones. I think it just depends on your family.

I've 3 people in the world who can call me Auntie .I love the Auntie cards and being called Auntie .I think I've been and are a decent Auntie .
I still greet my own ones by Auntie such and such .

You should address aunts and uncles so. I still do and I'm 45. I have lost many of them and I have less aunts and uncles now. I appreciate those I do have.

It distinguishes your relatives. There's a lot of 80 year old e.g. Joans, but only one aunt Joan etc.

If a 70+ year old man or woman wants me to call the aunt/uncle whatever then I’ll do so. I can’t see why it’s a problem

Ps I’m not 57 but am very much an adult