An Auntie/Uncle One

[TheOutlaws]

For context: PILs are mid/late 70s but a bit more ‘1950s teens’ than ‘1960s teens’. Fairly working/lower-middle class upbringing but socially mobile.

Yesterday, in conversation, I enquired after their niece. ‘Obnoxious, as usual’ came the response from MIL. ‘She refuses to call me Auntie M, and just uses my name. It’s disrespectful to her elders.’ FIL piped up, ‘children should respect their elders’. Niece is 57

DH says they’re old-fashioned and there’s a lot more to their upset than just the presenting issue of Auntie-calling (he’s right, of course). But this just isn’t a concern in my family, IMO it’s disrespectful of PILs to take offence and pull rank. Additionally, I feel bad for calling them by their first names for 20 years, because they must think I’m disrespectful and impudent.

YABU: even 57 year olds should call their elders Auntie/Uncle.

YANBU: this is stupid, first name terms in this context is in no way disrespectful.

I think it's disrespectful.

My parents get hurt by the DNs who dropped Auntie/Uncle. They see it as not giving them their place in the family.

I've always found it hurtful that one of my siblings discouraged their kids from referring to me as Auntie. I would have loved to have been Auntie All2Well rather than just all2well like any other person in the street.

I'm pretty sure I've never done it.

This is definitely a thing. Our kids have always called us by our first names. I read a thread on here with people frothing about seeing other kids doing the same and how disrespectful it was. I’ve never found that from our kids. Some people have very definite ideas about what constitutes respect. Each to their own.

Or more real respect, and less ritual deference? An ounce of the former is worth more than a ton of the latter.

For me it would depend on whether I felt my Aunt's Uncles had deserved to be called by their titles

One of my Aunt's was an obnoxious overbearing drunk, so never called her Aunt

No aunties or uncles left but if I did I would still preface their name. I am in my 50s and DN/N still call me Auntie- I love it, they're fabulous young adults now and I'm very proud to be their auntie. Bottom line is how it makes your IL feel.

On the subject of what we call our PILs, my mum always called her MIL 'mum', which I always thought was odd considering they didn't seem very close (and she had her own mum), but I assume it was a generational thing.

Does anyone call their PIL anything other than their first names these days?

I always had it drummed into me that it was rude to call aunts and uncles by their first names, so I still use aunty and uncle now, even though they all said many years ago that I was old enough to call them by their first names. I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I’d say that we’re probably half and half with our nephews, nieces, Godchildren and children of friends. I do prefer aunty Nagado but we tend to go along with what their parents call us.

I have a different perspective. My Irish family use names not titles but because I was raised in England my DM made me use Auntie and Uncle (no aunts or uncles on DF side). When in Ireland I stuck out like a sort thumb among my numerous family as I the only one using the titles and was bullied for it. I was unable to do anything about the bullying as in those days people didn't recognise the damage it does (I'm in my 60s). It was also confusing in that my DM 2 youngest sibling is only 7 years older than me and I wasn't expected to call him Uncle but his elder sibling (10 years older) I was.

Not surprislgly around the age of 12 I dropped the Auntie and Uncle titles and have never used them since. I have that my own, now adult neices and nephews who call me by my first name and have done so from the start. However, I am now facing a new dilemma what to be called when I become grandmother but that's another story!

I am 60's, I always used the titles Auntie and Uncle until they were all gone and even if I'm reminiscing about them now I still automatically use the titles. I was slightly disappointed that my nieces and nephews never used auntie for me but accepted that times change and certainly wouldn't expect it now they are adults.
I think its just a reflection of how things in general have become less formal over time. I still find it odd when I receive business emails starting Dear First name, rather than Dear Mrs Surname.

I was out one evening for my auntie's birthday, she's my mum's step sister so only twelve years older than me, I was in my twenties and we get on well. Some of her friends were there and usual introductions, chit chat was happening and when asked I said oh she's my auntie. At which point aunt said to me, don't say that in public people will think I'm ancient! 😂 From then on we've been on first name terms

I have older aunts and uncles on my dad's side I will always refer to as Aunt Anne or Uncle Jack, they're more traditional and it feels appropriate, but I wouldn't go out to a bar with them for their birthdays!

My niece and nephew still call me auntie saraclara, in their mid 30s. I wouldn't mind if they dropped the auntie bit, but I do quite like it. It underlines the connection.
I only have a tiny family (my niece and nephew are via my late husband's sister, and the only ones I have) so there's a certain feel good factor in being an auntie, for me.

My DH calls my mum ‘mum’ if he’s talking about her, but he and my brother’s wife won’t call her anything to her face. They’re both quite close to her and are always popping in to her for a cup of tea and to check she’s ok, but both say it just feels too odd to call her by her first name. Both have known her for 15-25 years and she’s told them a million times to call her whatever they want to, but they will go out of their way not to call her anything.

I call mil by her first name but FiL has a very Welsh name. It sounds too formal to use the whole thing but too disrespectful to shorten it, which is silly because everyone else does. So I avoid calling him anything!

I tend to use their names when talking to them, but Aunt/Uncle Name when talking about them

So I'll ask my mother if she's going to see Uncle Fred, but when I see him I call him Fred (can't remember which age I switched)

That is very funny @Nagado but I know exactly what you mean.

This. Your parents sound like they are being ridiculous and cruel tbh

I called my aunty & uncle by their titles. It wouldn't have occurred to me to do anything else.
With my in-laws, they were already grandparents so I called them by their grandparent titles like the kids and my partner did. Until they gently said one day that I could call them by their actual names :-)

Well that depends on if she is or not 🤷‍♀️

Once I hit 18, about 40 years ago, my aunts told me to drop the Auntie as it made them feel old.

My Aunt/Auntie and Uncle don't stop being my Aunt/Auntie or Uncle no matter what age I am, just as Mum is still Mum (and Dad would have still be Dad, had he not passed away).

I always called my aunt, Aunty X, until probably my 30s when she said 'look, just call me X' 😅 It gets engrained

On the other hand, my colleague (who is of Caribbean heritage) and is generally very relaxed, absolutely won't hear of her adult niece calling her by just her first name without 'Aunty'

This.

I'm in my 40s and still call mine Auntie and Uncle and so does everyone else.

It would be seen as a bit disrespectful in my neck of the woods not to so I'm wondering if it's an area/culture thing. I'm up near the borders.

Also older cousins then get called Auntie and Uncle by the generation down and so do close friends/neighbours.

So yes definitely a respect thing here.

Yanbu

I am 51 and still get Christmas cards written from Auntie X & Uncle Y. I decided when my nieces and nephews turn 18 I'll just use our names in cards.

I believe (please correct if wrong) that in China and other east Asian countries it's very usual to address all people with a family name whether you are related or not, e.g. all grown up women would be called 'aunty' or 'grandmother' depending on age.

I wonder if this goes a long way to fostering respect and community feeling. No one can be truly a stranger if you call them 'aunty' or 'uncle'. Just a thought 🙂

I've never been a fan of the whole 'aunt/uncle' business. Both just sound so stuffy and decrepit. I have sixteen nieces and nephews and a handful of great/grand Ns too and I've rarely been addressed as 'uncle' by any of them. I'd hate it. On a related note, I'm always amused by people with knighthoods and aristocratic titles who insist on being addressed as 'Sir...', 'Lady...' and so on. Do leave off, your Lordship!