“She doesn’t have friends because she smells”

[HerbalBovril]

How would you handle this, if at all?

Over the last twelve months, I have made friends and become relatively close with a fellow Mum at the school bus stop. Increasingly during the last couple of months, this friend’s DC has accused a couple of kids on the bus of bullying; everything from name-calling to threats of serious violence. For several reasons, I believe this child is crying out for attention, and I truly sympathise with that. However, my eldest remarked that, “she isn’t being bullied, she just doesn’t have any friends because she smells”.

And she does, the poor thing. It’s a very “doggy” smell, mixed with weed and mould and a hint of urine. I’ve been to their house several times, and often change my clothes as soon as I get home because the smell clings. The family breeds dogs, and two of them at least are always inside the house.

I really don’t know what to do or say to my friend, if anything. They are always well-presented and the children are at least materially very well provided for. Should I keep my beak out, or is there a way to navigate this? The child is very caring, loving and friendly (to me and my kids at least!) and deserves as many friends as she can handle. But rightly or wrongly, we all remember- or were - that one kid in the class that was ostracised because of smelliness. What should I do??

Talk to her mum and say you know it’s a tricky subject but it’s an issue and causing problems for her daughter.

She smells of weed? Are they smoking it?

How old is the girl? Surely she could tell her parents why she's being harassed, if not maybe you can gently have a word with them and say you heard name calling and the other children are mean to her because she smells, say your concerned about her and this needs addressing.
If this is awkward then maybe address it to a teacher at school who can deal with it.

I wouldn’t say anything. If the house smells then the dc will smell too. It’s not as simple as just her clothes or personal hygiene. You said yourself that you smell after visiting.
I had a colleague who’s parents smoked heavily and she always smelled of smoke until she left home.

I wouldn’t say anything. People can be really sensitive about this sort of thing, even though your intentions are good. Bullies are evil and would probably bully her whether or not she smells, simply for being different.

Well which is it - is it a dog smell because she has pets, or is it weed and mould and urine?

A slight smell of dogs because you have pets is normal (but wouldn't really be likely to cause bullying so seems unlikely that it's just that).

But a child smelling of weed, mould and urine is something else entirely - that is very concerning and could indicate neglect or hygiene issues at home.

If I knew a child who smelled of weed, mould and urine then I wouldn't be able to let that lie. Could you talk to the teacher about it as a starting point? You don't have to involve your friend and can ask the teacher to keep it confidential that you mentioned anything, but raise a concern about the smell and the bullying.

Are you in the us?

I think, that unless you’re blood related, then this is something for you to bring up with the mother.

So you’re friendly, which is nice, but are you that friendly?

Being honest, how would you feel if the position is reversed?

If there are smells due to dogs, mould, urine and weed(!?!?) then this isn’t something for you to say! It’s a serious overreach and boundary violation!

The teacher is the correct person to deal with this. It’s a professional relationship and it is down to the teacher to deal with it, as it’s bullying related to being in school.

If weed is being smoked in the house, then this is something else but I don’t think you should mention this to the teacher, unless you have a safeguarding/neglect suspicion.

Thank you, everyone. The kids don’t attend the same school, but catch the same bus. In all honesty, I don’t think she is being bullied. In fact, the other kids have told me that this child is actually the aggressive one on the bus. Kids can be little monsters, and will “pick anything” to bully someone about. That said, she’s being isolated at least partially because of the odour. If I mention anything to her Mum, I’m honestly not sure which way it would go. She’s a lovely woman who is also understandably very defensive about her children. For the poster who questioned “which smell” it is, it’s indeed all four. One on its own probably wouldn’t be as noticeable. My friend definitely smokes weed. She has said it’s “medicinal”, which is believable as she has multiple health problems at present. I think she’d be a smoker regardless, though.

Also, the girl is 11. And the urine smell seems more like dog urine to me, not human, if that makes sense.

I knew someone whose house reeked of dog. It slammed you in the face as soon as you walked in and clung to your clothes & hair when you left.
I don’t know if her dog was sick or if she didn’t bathe it or just what the problem was, but Jesus the smell was god-awful.
The dog finally died and evidently someone clued her into the foul smell - her kids, maybe.
She had to re-paint and re-carpet the entire house to get rid of it.
I’m sure it was very expensive to do that.
I have no words of wisdom, but unless they remove the root of the problem (the dogs & the carpet & the drapes & the bedding, etc) the poor little girl is going to continue to have an odour problem.

How horrible for the girl. If she smells so bad it is likely that other children are making nasty comments about it or excluding her and she feels bullied. It also seems that there is very little she can do as it in the environment.
I think the mum does have an obligation to sort this out for the girl.

Could you report it to the school?

I think telling the school is the best idea. They can then have a private word and deal with any fallout!

Thank you everyone for your input. I think you’re right re talking to the school. I have a feeling she is already on their radar, but it certainly can’t hurt to reach out to them.

Of course she is being bullied. Isolation and exclusion are forms of bullying, especially to a person so young. Other children are clearly discussing how she smells with each other. She would have heard this and knowing kids I'd be very surprised if sometimes it isn't said to her face.

Yes she's smells, yes she might be aggressive in retaliation, but the bullying shouldn't be minimised because of this.

Am I the only one thinking social services?

The house is a shit tip by sounds of it, so much so you have to change your clothes after being there. Mother clearly struggling as health issues if over the counter medication isn't helping.

Step after that inform council to check on welfare of dogs and ensure they have a breeding licence

If you don't believe the child is being bullied I wonder that you think you need to do anything.

But they are being bullied.

And honestly I'd look hard at the empathy levels of the child who told you they aren't.

If you are in the UK you can raise a safeguarding concern anon through the NCPCC website.A child smelling of weed,urine and mould is definitely a concern I would be raising rather than having a chat with the parent. These are all signs the family need support caring for their child .I'd also be distancing myself from a family who smoke so much weed their kid smells of it and they can't look after her hygiene so much she has no friends.

Agree with this,

And also the empathy levels of yourself.

No one wants to be friends with her, they exclude her, talk horribly about her, and she likely retaliates because of this, but she's NOT being bullied and is acting up for attention?

Imagine if this was your child, how utterly heartbroken would you be for them? This could impact them for life and cause years of trauma and you are brushing it off as someone being overdramatic.

If a child smells of dog/weed/urine/mould I would raise it with the school as a safeguarding concern. It may be a sign of neglect.

This needs to be reported to the school. As a teacher, I’d say this is a welfare concern. Smelling of weed is even a safeguarding issue.

All the spelling is British English.

When I used to do an ironing service I went to a couple who were quite large and had 2 large dogs. Their ironing although laundered absolutely stank. It would make me baulk and I would use a separate ironing board. The same one I would use for the heavy smokers. The small is ingrained and won't go unless as someone has already said the dogs go and the house gets fumigated.
I wouldn't bother saying anything as you have she isn't actually getting bullied.
If at some point you feel again you need to say something I would say that your child heard someone saying that DD smells.

I was neglected as a child. Addict parents, no heating or way of washing my clothes unless it was in cold water, no soap. I was bullied. I had no friends.

I used to dream of being rescued but no one ever seemed to notice me, well except the bullies .

Report to nspcc or school please. Let this child be seen. And don't tell her or her mom that she smells. She 100% knows she smells trust me.