“She doesn’t have friends because she smells”

[HerbalBovril]

How would you handle this, if at all?

Over the last twelve months, I have made friends and become relatively close with a fellow Mum at the school bus stop. Increasingly during the last couple of months, this friend’s DC has accused a couple of kids on the bus of bullying; everything from name-calling to threats of serious violence. For several reasons, I believe this child is crying out for attention, and I truly sympathise with that. However, my eldest remarked that, “she isn’t being bullied, she just doesn’t have any friends because she smells”.

And she does, the poor thing. It’s a very “doggy” smell, mixed with weed and mould and a hint of urine. I’ve been to their house several times, and often change my clothes as soon as I get home because the smell clings. The family breeds dogs, and two of them at least are always inside the house.

I really don’t know what to do or say to my friend, if anything. They are always well-presented and the children are at least materially very well provided for. Should I keep my beak out, or is there a way to navigate this? The child is very caring, loving and friendly (to me and my kids at least!) and deserves as many friends as she can handle. But rightly or wrongly, we all remember- or were - that one kid in the class that was ostracised because of smelliness. What should I do??

There shouldn’t even be a debate about this. This is neglect. You should raise it with the mother at least, but sounds like this household needs help/support from social services. Sadly that’s impossible these days. But yes, at least raise it with her for the child’s sake. She’ll remember that someone tried for her, if nothing else

Social services?
Weed is really bad the brain development.

Thank you. I appreciate everyone’s advice. I can only go by the evidence in front of me regarding the actual bullying. I have been supportive of both the child and mother. I would never say to either of them that she’s just making it up! And even if she is, I was brought up to believe that crying out for attention doesn’t come without reason. If she’s lying, she’s obviously struggling and in pain over something, and those feelings deserve attention regardless of what prompts them. I care about this child. I care about her Mum. I don’t want to do anything that could make matters worse, but if there’s anything I CAN do to help, then I absolutely will do that. Hence coming here to seek advice.

I would speak to the school myself.

As you have been to the house what are the signs of neglect?

This is early an issue regarding welfare/safeguarding. It needs reporting to the school so that they can.make a record. There are early interventions that can.be put in place to support families and it sounds like thisnlittle.girl.needs them. It could be that there are other issues you are unaware of and by letting the school know they are in a position to build a full picture. Smelling isn't a minor issue and can have lifelong effects so just doing nothing isn't an option here.

I'd suggest a tactful word with the child's school, explaining your concerns and that the child seems to be getting excluded and potentially bullied, with the smell being mentioned.

It's not normal or acceptable for a child to smell of weed, mould and dog urine. Those smells mean the child is being consistently exposed to those things, none of which could be considered good.

You could also encourage your own child to think about what they can learn and develop from this situation. Do they think it's ok for this child to be treated like this? How does it make them feel and how would they feel if it were them being excluded and smelling? What could they do to make a difference? That could lead to thinking about standing up for what's right, challenging peer pressure, etc, or to smaller but equally valid things like inviting the child for an activity outside of that setting or just not joining in with teasing.

She has said it’s “medicinal”, which is believable as she has multiple health problems at present. I think she’d be a smoker regardless, though.

There are any number of ways of taking cannibis medicinally without smoking it.

She's happy to smoke cannibis around her kids - not responsible. If the smell of it is clinging to her DD, then she's clearly not doing it outside. It must be getting all over her dd's hair, clothes etc.

Even just cigarette smoke - who does that over their kids these days, other than irresponsible parents?

I bought a £50 toy bundle (lol dolls) on FB marketplace once, it was at distance so someone collected for me and I got them the next time I met up with her. As soon as I opened the bag, I could smell the cigarette smoke. I tried washing them all, it made not much difference. Haven't been able to feel comfortable about my dd and playmates playing with them.
If that's what toys taken out of a smoker's house and washed/soaked smell like, imagine what the kid's toys in the house and their clothes hair etc smells like, and what they're subjected to in second and third hand smoke.

To put weed and dog urine on top of that; she's not really nice, is she? She clearly needs help. As posters have said, it is a form of neglect.

I'd report whatever is within your direct experience to the school. I guarantee they will be aware already if the child smells of weed and dog wee and I'm sure she is well on the radar already. But every bit of information helps. But be factual about it. And speak to the designated safeguarding lead not the class teacher.

I’m surprised you’re putting your friendship above this little girl’s wellbeing. You absolutely should be escalating this. Your very casual attitude to people taking illegal drugs around children is worrying.

There is definitely some recklessness and irresponsibility in her parenting. I haven’t been able to label it neglect, as she’s also very loving and protective. She will drive the child to the bus stop or ask me to take her on my way there. Same with afternoon retrievals. The girl is prohibited from wearing nail polish or getting her ears pierced. But typing all this out tonight, I have to accept that what I thought of as being protective in some ways might actually just be laziness. Often the girl will just be given the day off school because her Mum doesn’t want to put her foot down - and not because of any bullying, but because of minor things like she missed the bus or her jumper is in the wash. It’s hard for me to put all this into a pot, mix it with my affection for all involved, and pull out an appropriate response. I thank you all for your advice. It’s helping me be more objective.

I think I'd contact the NSPCC and talk through what's happening with them.

You sound like a good person trying to do the right thing. It’s easier to say from outside what you should do but you do owe it to the child to raise this and try and get her some help.

Too many people turn a blind eye, and then when something really terrible happens everyone says “who would have thought it”.

I’d go with the informing the school and contacting NSPCC as others have suggested. In meantime, I’d also say to the mother that her daughter is of an age when she needs a shower every morning before school and clean clothes and underwear every day. Maybe you can say you’re doing this with your own children. Ask her if she thinks there’s any reason to not be able to do that and support her if you can. She may estrange herself from you for doing this but it is the right thing. Then tell the school that too. Good luck!

My dds weren’t allowed to wear nail varnish (to school, they could at any other time), or have their ears pierced at 11. That isn’t neglect ! The urine smell is most probably either that she isn’t getting clean clothes, or damp. If she smells of mould, that fusty damp smell can also smell slightly like urine, and could be that the house is damp, or that her clothes are not being dried very well. As she also smells of weed, maybe her Mum is not on top of washing and drying clothes due to her health issues and weed habit ?
The teachers must have noticed, weed in particular is a very tenacious smell and would be noticeable in a classroom. I agree with above though, that it is worth flagging with the school anyway, as someone needs to have a word with her Mum and explain the situation.
Where is her Dad ? Does he also smoke weed ? Dogs only get really stinky if they aren’t washed, I know plenty of people with more than one dog and they don’t smell of dog and mould, so it all sounds a washing and general cleanliness problem.

??

If washing isn't drying quickly it stinks of mould/damp cooking smoking dogs whatever is happening where the washing is drying. Some dogs really stink. I used to clean for someone with beautiful oak sealed floors and White Company reed diffusers but the house still stunk of big fat chocolate Labrador.

If this woman is making her money for her weed through dog breeding no wonder things smell.

I’d go with the school social services. The mother/father? Clearly are not coping if their child manages to smell of dog, wee, weed and mould.

She/they likely need Whole deep clean of the house and to not have so many/any dogs if they cannot keep on top it it all. Sometimes a kick up the arse can help and sometimes people are sadly too far gone to help but at least get it flagged up as much as possible.

So explain this to me. Children aren't allowed to chose their friends but must include everybody because not doing so is bullying? Children must be wecoming to aggressive people who smell bad whereas adults are OK to avoid them?

Clearly this child needs help because they are being neglected. So much easier to tell the kids to "be kind" than to insist that adults actually are kind and look out for her.

It sounds like her clothes are not being dried properly, I've noticed it more recently with COL that some people have that fusty/urine smell about them and think it is because they are not heat drying their clothes.
The dogs and weed are a separate issue.
If the dogs and the home they live in is being cared for properly they shouldn't create such an offensive smell. A slight doggy odour maybe but nothing noticeable on the school bus!
The weed is just an absolute no no though, health issues or not I don't know what this woman thinks she's playing at. Irresponsible and selfish. She should be using prescription medication appropriate for her condition and monitored by her GP like the majority of decent parents.
It sounds like the mum has given up and would rather chill out with her 'medicinal' weed than actually put any effort into caring for her child.
I would mention it to school and also ring the NSPCC for advice.

You speak to the school, they must be noticing it as well.

Oh this is so awful and sign of child neglect. Please tell the school.

Why haven't her teachers noticed the smell?

If you open your trap and tell the mother you are going to make the mother feel embarrassed and then angry and she may accuse you of looking down on her and her family.

I’ve had dogs all my life and there is no reason you should smell of urine, even with a puppy or an elderly incontinent dog.

The school is the obvious place to go to with this if you you don’t feel comfortable approaching it with the mother directly.

Op she is 11, she is being bullied, regardless of what it's for, if it's because she smells then that is the reason !! She is probably aggressive as a coping method for god sake . Poor kid . I'd chat to the mam , I'd be willing to take the hit of the friendship if I thought it might help this child and maybe the mother might be more aware !

I've a dog myself who in her breed is quite stinky no matter how much we wash her and I'm really conscious of our house becoming that "stinky " house and afraid we won't smell it ! It's a case of cleaning and hoovering all the time unfortunately