“She doesn’t have friends because she smells”

[HerbalBovril]

How would you handle this, if at all?

Over the last twelve months, I have made friends and become relatively close with a fellow Mum at the school bus stop. Increasingly during the last couple of months, this friend’s DC has accused a couple of kids on the bus of bullying; everything from name-calling to threats of serious violence. For several reasons, I believe this child is crying out for attention, and I truly sympathise with that. However, my eldest remarked that, “she isn’t being bullied, she just doesn’t have any friends because she smells”.

And she does, the poor thing. It’s a very “doggy” smell, mixed with weed and mould and a hint of urine. I’ve been to their house several times, and often change my clothes as soon as I get home because the smell clings. The family breeds dogs, and two of them at least are always inside the house.

I really don’t know what to do or say to my friend, if anything. They are always well-presented and the children are at least materially very well provided for. Should I keep my beak out, or is there a way to navigate this? The child is very caring, loving and friendly (to me and my kids at least!) and deserves as many friends as she can handle. But rightly or wrongly, we all remember- or were - that one kid in the class that was ostracised because of smelliness. What should I do??

I agree talk to the school is best option

This is one of the few scenarios where I would consider sending an anonymous letter or just signing it with an illegible single name signature.

I'd just say, 'This is difficult to write and I don't know you well enough to approach you face to face. But I do know your child is absolutely lovely and is being ostracised for a reason she can't control without your help. You may not be aware of it, but she has an overpowering odour of dog and urine on her clothes and it prevents other children from wanting to mix with her. This is unfair on her as she has no responsibility over the level of hygiene in her home. From what I know of you, you are lovely and competent and I'm sure you could make this issue vanish overnight and would want to. If my child were in a similar predicament, I'd want to know so I hope you take this in the spirit intended.

Re the nail polish/ear piercing: I absolutely agree that’s not neglect. I was trying to highlight the contradictory “standards” within the household.

To everyone who mentioned the musty/damp smell, that’s indeed what I mean. As if the clothes have not been dried properly.

There are at least four/five dogs on the property. There are a minimum of two in the actual house at all times. One or other of these is in heat at any given time. They both urinate/defecate regularly inside and generally have run of the house.

Mum has had cleaners/home help visiting regularly over the last few weeks as a result of her latest health problems. I’m not sure it’s made much difference.

I’ve not ever seen the Mum smoke weed in front of the children, but I can’t say that she doesn’t. Dad is a smoker too from what I can gather, and I suspect that may be the least illicit of his vices.

I am not in the US.

I will contact the school tomorrow. Thank you again everyone. I really appreciate all the advice.

I can’t believe some people are saying do nothing.

an 11 year old child is going to school smelling of weed ffs how can you just ignore that?

I don't know if she would realise she smells.

I feel really sorry for her but I also get that being smelly or unhygienic (I note you say she's otherwise well-presented, though) can be a barrier to making friends - no good pretending any different.

I do find smelly people off-putting, I've got to admit that. It wouldn't stop me being kind and courteous to someone, but it would be a barrier to becoming a close friend. I like my friends to be self-aware - OK, I'm an adult, so it's slightly different.

I feel sorry for this girl and I hope something changes for her soon, but it may need to come from her if her parents are living in some kind of world of their own. I find it so hard to be sympathetic to parents who lay their children open to bullying through doziness/neglect etc. If she's an older child she could perhaps take charge of her own laundry?? Lots of teenagers do.

You've had lots of other advice but I'd be stepping bac from your friend as I just couldn't deal with a pot smoking dog breeder who is not dealing with the root issue. She cant not smell it. Doesnt she smell as well? If not I think that tells you everything, that she can be bothered to keep herself clean but not her child and everything else is everyone else's fault.

I think the girl probably is being bullied about how she smells.

I’ve reported a child’s coat stinking of weed so much that we had to hang it outside. Social services and the police don’t care about weed.

OP, what you need to realise that it is not your responsibility to determine if there is anything going wrong here. There's no point in wo during and speculating what it could.mean. By reporting it, the issue will be put onto the school recording system (CPOMS or suchlike) and the safeguarding officer will be alerted. It's then up to them to investigate and make the more difficult discernment of what the exact issues are. You have done your bit just by passing on information. I suspect the little girl will already be on their radar, but your information could be a key point in getting help for her. I once passed on some information to school about a child I saw in a situation I didn't think was ideal. A couple of years later, the child went to love with her dad instead of her mum. It wasn't that what I said would have caused this to happen.. however, it may have been part of an overall picture that contributed to supporting the mum and then ultimately making thengirl safe elsewhere. Trust your gut, pass on the info and let the experts do their job with all the information they have and the fullest picture possible.

I've reported similar more than once, it's not normally an issue for children's social care in my area and isn't acted on.

Ooh that’s a tough one. No advice but there was a girl at my school who had literally no friends because she stank so badly. You could see the sweat stains under her pits and her hair looked like it had had grease dropped on it. I honestly don’t know why/how her mum let her out the door looking like it. I saw her many years later in a shopping centre and she looked exactly the same though 🤷‍♀️

I'd probably approach it from a 'my dd overhead some random ch say they thought your DD's clothes smelt of dogs' and see how that goes down. That way neither you nor your dd have 'said it'

If she asks your opinion then say 'I'd imagine you struggle to smell the dogs as you become nose blind to smells you're surrounded by, but if other ch have mentioned it then it'd be worth addressing'

They breed dogs at home, unlicensed I suppose and let them shit in the house and they smoke weed, that is so a case for social services.

I am not defending this mother in any way. The cost of living crisis is making it so much harder and impossible for some to keep clean at the moment. On a personal level I use a roll on and a spray perimeni sweats. I can only use dove without itching and I can't believe how much it has gone up. I feel shocked and lucky to still be able to afford it. The lack of heat and lack of living space for so many is taking us way back. It's really hard because it's really taking its toll so many more people smell now.

This poor child. Sounds like the parents are back street breeders so the kids and the dogs are suffering. I couldn't be friends with someone like that. It's always the kids that suffer. I'd report the poor girl to the school and the dogs to rspca or another agency. My DDs neighbours smoked weed around their little ones. The stink from their house permeated the walls into my DDs house. It was disgusting. Imagine having to live in that plus the extra poor multiple dogs breeding at any given time.

Just backing up a pp - call the school and ask to speak to someone with responsibility for safeguarding. (Rather than off loading to the receptionist). Well done for noticing and helping this child. Mum might just need a nudge and school will be very used to having this type of conversation in non Judgy way.