To give my adult son a kick up the bum

[Exasperated18]

I’ve posted on this before, but I’ve name changed for this one as I think linking previous posts together could be a bit outing.

I have one child, a boy nearly 19. He is a lovely boy. Never given me any real trouble. Has never come home drunk. No issues with drugs, or stealing etc and so far (fingers crossed) has never gotten into trouble. He got all A* in his exams, he’s very bright. He also has a lot going for him, he’s tall, in great shape, great looking, looks very much like Taylor Lautner. Perfect skin. At a glance, he seems to have it all. Talks lovely. Could breeze through an interview.

But, he’s also the most lazy, demotivated, slovenly person I’ve ever met. I am devastated as he seems to be wasting it all.

He’s taken a year off before going to uni, but isn’t sure he can be bothered with uni. He works only part time. Less than half time. Doesn’t want more hours or more money. He doesn’t want to go out, stays in bed playing Spider-Man on the PlayStation.

His room is a pig-sty. He leaves plates of food up there, packets. Etc. and he has this love of prawns and fish sticks…which after a few days of not removing rubbish makes his room smell god-awful.

He can’t even be bothered when he does go to work. Did a short shift this morning and said his manager gave him side eye all the time. I’m not surprised as he didn’t bother to iron his uniform or do his hair. He looked a scruff. Thankfully he does shower and wear clean (albeit creased) clothes, so doesn’t smell.

He’s also very last minute. Disorganised. Panics when he can’t get what he needs because he left it too late and then gets worked up until daddy solves his problems for him. And I can’t get DH to stop doing this for him either.

I feel like I’ve tried nagging him. It didn’t work. Then reasoning, which didn’t work. I left him him to it, and things unbelievably deteriorated more with him starting to call in sick so he could do even less and his room was so bad, DH and I had to intervene as we are very clean and neat people. He had woodlice in his bed fgs! I can’t deal with it. We have a new build, the house isn’t even damp. It’s the sweat from how long he spends in bed I’m sure.

I’m so stressed watching my beautiful, talented son do absolutely nothing with his life. I wonder what I’ve done wrong, and what I can do to fix this.

AIBU trying to intervene now to give him a kick up the bottom? How do I even do it. DS isn’t stressed or depressed or anything. He’s just happily slobbing through life.

Sorry it’s so long. Venting I guess after more arguments this morning.

He sounds an extreme version of my son, who is ND, so I do cut him some slack.

What would I do? As there are maybe no ND issues, I think I would be tougher. But one battle at a time.

I would start with his room. He has two choices - keep it clean himself or pay for a weekly cleaner.

Gaming is an overlooked addiction. Just like hoarding and gambling. Like this colleague of mine. He's a 20 year old man. Pleasant enough, but poor social skills due to spending so much time gaming.

Start charging him a high rent and put a password on the internet.

Accidentally throw away something important and shrug and tell him that if he kept on top of his room you wouldn't have to go in and clean.

The best help you can give him is taking a firm stance and getting him away from gaming which dulls the part of the brain involved with socialisation.

Thank you everyone. I’m going to ring tomorrow to change the Wifi password and I thought the suggestion that either he cleans or pays for the cleaner was brilliant. His face was a picture when I said that. He is really unhappy about the internet threat. I’m not sure he believes I’ll do it. I will, because I can see how he’s wasting in a rut otherwise.
Thank you again.

Yes, I would severely limit the Wi-Fi. He’s behaving like a 13 year old and he needs to grow up.

There’s no one to ring to chance the WiFi password, that’s something you need to do yourself.

Get his Uni application in. He needs to move out for a while. He can’t just slob around. He got A stars at A levels that’s amazing especially this year what subjects did he do.

When were his exams? 6 months ago? I understand your frustration but it’s not a huge amount of time given he’s just come out of 13 straight years of schooling, during which it sounds like he worked hard and came out as well as he could do.

I understand you wanting to make sure there is a clear end date to this period in sight, that he does move on to university or full-time work and doesn’t carry on living like this in a sustained way. But I slightly wonder if he is just needing a less intense period after working really hard for his exams? Did he have a proper holiday or give himself some kind of a rest/reward? If not then maybe you can agree with him that he has that, but then put an end date in the calendar for it and after that he needs to get back to full time work?

It seems like most people on the thread disagree with me, and maybe they are right, but just an alternative perspective.

Thank you! I’ve done it.

If you have bt you can wifi password through app on phone and block it too.

You need to consider to start charging him rent as well as paying for a cleaner. (You can put th money in a uni fund for him)

How does dh rescue him? My dh mum did this and did him no favours.

Does he have chores like hoovering, cleaning bathroom, washing his clothes?

Two different sciences and Computers. Sorry he didn’t get the stars in the A levels, just the A. Not sure if there were stars.

We offered to take him on holiday, he declined. So he stayed here own his own and spent his time as he pleased.

It took him a few months to get a part time job, and he’s spent most of the time doing exactly what he wanted to. Despite being a bright boy, he hated school and couldn’t wait to leave. I think that’s why he’s not particularly bothered about uni. But then, he doesn’t seem to have any ambition at all.

He’s not been pressured, we’ve let him try to figure it out. But I’m starting to feel stressed as I realise that ‘this’ (nothing) is exactly what he wants to be doing.

But I take on board that perhaps he did feel more pressure than I realised and he may be in some way rebelling against growing up or feeling that he needs a bit more time to relax after a draining few years.

I think your first instincts were right tbh. Yes he probably needs a change after years of school, but something like a fun job with other young people, or travelling, or being a travel rep, would all do that for him. A 19 year old might need a mental change but not a physical rest - disappearing into a pile of fish finger boxes and sweat isn't it.

I think you're doing the right stuff. He needs a job that engages him.a bit more but ultimately he needs to work that out himself. At least he does have a job, for the moment. And yes he should be able to keep his room roughly clean.

We don’t have BT, but I’ve changed the password.

DH still sees him as a little boy and always gets him out of hot water. Will write an application for him; fill in forms; drop everything to ensure DS doesn’t have to struggle. Pay for things for DS, so he doesn’t have to struggle for money. Will tell me not to go on at DS (not in-front of him though). Just things like this really.

DS does have chores. Sometimes he does them without any issue. Sometimes he delays doing them; so the whole house is clean and tidy, except the things DS is supposed to do…and I have to wait. Sometimes DH will do them on his behalf. Sometimes I admit, I tire of waiting and just do them myself. DS will then remind me ‘I was going to do that’.

I don’t want to argue with him constantly. I love him to bits. I just want him to get motivated! For him, not me.

OP,

Of course it could be that he is a lazy arse but I am wondering about is emotions and how regulated they are?

Could there be something else going on with him?

How was his schooling?

How did he cope?

I know of so many late diagnosis for adhd, autism, dyslexia innmy circle, of kids 18-22 that Covid definitely derailed.

Have you looked up the markers for the above and see if any strike a cord with you.

So many bright able students go under the radar but burnout is very real and feeling overwhelmed.

Educating yourself first will help you ask the right questions.

I feel like I’m doing a horrible job to be honest. I’ve suggested some fun ideas to include travel, or working in certain areas that could be fun, where he could meet other teens like him.

Often he will argue till he’s blue in the face, think about it, make an effort for a few days and then return to his old ways.

I think he is addicted to the games. I might look into that more to see if there is anything we can do to help that.

I think Autism is a possibility. DS is very black and white. For example, if I say

”Tom, you said you were going to buy some green shoes”

then he would get very cross and correct me that he said…

”I will ‘purchase’ some green ‘trainers’!”

Everything has to be extremely specific with him.

He not great socially to be honest. He was out with my husband and saw an old friend from school. DH said to him ‘why didn’t you say hi?’ He said ‘I nodded’.

In school he had to follow every rule…and so did his friends 😬 which meant he changed friendship groups a lot and never really bonded with anyone.

He is extremely articulate though and can impress in an interview type context, he can talk to adults for Britain, about things he enjoys and can for example, analyse and conclude the pros and cons of each suit worn by The Flash, in chronological order. I see people glaze over and DS has no idea he’s lost them.

I’ve suspected some degree of Autism for a while, but because he’s done well, it’s never seemed a massive issue.

And I assumed he would continue to do well.

OMG mine is exactly the same! Just turned 19, wasn't sure about uni so took a year out after coasting through A Levels and getting mediocre grades. He had a huge health diagnosis halfway through A Levels and now has an autoimmune disease (being vague here not to be too outing) so I have been very supportive, cajoling etc. but he has done a couple of jobs since A Levels and quit them both (one after two shifts!).
His mates have all gone off to uni except a couple who have apprenticeships and he is now doing nothing all day except gym and hanging out with the mates who are still around. Other than that he sits in his girlfriend's bedroom or his own all day everyday. He is so bright and it's a massive waste. He was never lazy as a kid, this has developed recently I feel. Was always sporty and was always out until he finished A levels.
I don't have any advice at all as I treat my son with kid gloves and run around after him; the diagnosis affected us both and I do baby him. Just wanted you to know I get it. You can offer all the advice to them in the world but it has to come from them. Someone with teenage sons I work with said to me, the only thing that works with boys is to see others moving on...when their peers have flash cars or house deposits or decent jobs to show off, that's when boys get motivated. I think she speaks sense. Mum nagging has no effect on my son at all, but he often tells me I'm right about things later on!

@bearfood

Thank you, I feel a little less useless hearing this. Sorry about your son’s diagnosis. That’s very difficult for both of you. But you’re right. What mum says is generally-apparently rubbish.

My friends daughter has just been officially diagnosed as a genius by an educational psychiatrist but is messy, disorganised, disliked school and the pressures of it, hugely emotional and cannot cope with pressure.

She has been diagnosed as ADHD.
She is a wonderful young woman and the most extraordinary musician, her gift and hobby.

But she has been struggling for years emotionally with deregulation.

Her parents are having to do a crash course in adhd and it is not easy at all.

Of course I could be wrong but the more I talk to people the more I believe there are young people who have been been derailed and overlooked by covid and have real struggles.

Just wondering if it would be worth paying for something to get him away from this rut?
My DD is going to do a Dive Master internship in Tenerife for the next 8 weeks.
Sunshine, mixing with others, hard work and a new skill.

I think she paid less than £2k for accommodation/training etc.

That’s interesting. I wouldn’t have even thought ADHD, but that does sound like my son. I thought ADHD meant naughty, but obviously I am not very well informed. I will do some research into this and seek some advice. Thank you.

Dd 24 is dyslexic and undiagnosed ADHD, she's self employed but only works part time as overloads.