To give my adult son a kick up the bum

[Exasperated18]

I’ve posted on this before, but I’ve name changed for this one as I think linking previous posts together could be a bit outing.

I have one child, a boy nearly 19. He is a lovely boy. Never given me any real trouble. Has never come home drunk. No issues with drugs, or stealing etc and so far (fingers crossed) has never gotten into trouble. He got all A* in his exams, he’s very bright. He also has a lot going for him, he’s tall, in great shape, great looking, looks very much like Taylor Lautner. Perfect skin. At a glance, he seems to have it all. Talks lovely. Could breeze through an interview.

But, he’s also the most lazy, demotivated, slovenly person I’ve ever met. I am devastated as he seems to be wasting it all.

He’s taken a year off before going to uni, but isn’t sure he can be bothered with uni. He works only part time. Less than half time. Doesn’t want more hours or more money. He doesn’t want to go out, stays in bed playing Spider-Man on the PlayStation.

His room is a pig-sty. He leaves plates of food up there, packets. Etc. and he has this love of prawns and fish sticks…which after a few days of not removing rubbish makes his room smell god-awful.

He can’t even be bothered when he does go to work. Did a short shift this morning and said his manager gave him side eye all the time. I’m not surprised as he didn’t bother to iron his uniform or do his hair. He looked a scruff. Thankfully he does shower and wear clean (albeit creased) clothes, so doesn’t smell.

He’s also very last minute. Disorganised. Panics when he can’t get what he needs because he left it too late and then gets worked up until daddy solves his problems for him. And I can’t get DH to stop doing this for him either.

I feel like I’ve tried nagging him. It didn’t work. Then reasoning, which didn’t work. I left him him to it, and things unbelievably deteriorated more with him starting to call in sick so he could do even less and his room was so bad, DH and I had to intervene as we are very clean and neat people. He had woodlice in his bed fgs! I can’t deal with it. We have a new build, the house isn’t even damp. It’s the sweat from how long he spends in bed I’m sure.

I’m so stressed watching my beautiful, talented son do absolutely nothing with his life. I wonder what I’ve done wrong, and what I can do to fix this.

AIBU trying to intervene now to give him a kick up the bottom? How do I even do it. DS isn’t stressed or depressed or anything. He’s just happily slobbing through life.

If he is a fundamentally decent but lazy lad, could you actually 'need' him to do something? If he's built like Taylor lautner, theres you way in. Grandma needs a fridge shifted, trees cut down, attic cleared out - I said you'd go over next Wednesday and make a start. Pet needs his inoculation, I can't go, you need to take him over to the vets.. Might make him realise he is a competent and useful adult. Help him build a positive reputation for himself

OP you talk about your DP babying him but it sounds like actually you both do that. You describe him as talking well to adults - he IS an adult! A young one, yes, but this is no longer a 9 year old to beam at because they can make small talk with an aunt.
The ND advice from PP sounds like it is worth investigating, as ADHD especially would make sense. But you sound like you're still working on training him up for adulthood when he's already arrived there. I'm not saying you need to turf him out or anything but treating him like an adult might help him start behaving like one.

I know I’ve already added that my brother is 100% neurotypical, but to expand on that since people keep bringing up ADHD…

When he was evaluated (multiple times) for ADHD and tested normal every time, the psychiatrist explained that they were reading what they wanted to into his behaviour when the answers were simpler.

He was strongly interested in things to the exclusion of others because he’d never been made to do anything he didn’t want to.
He was messy and disorganized because he’d never been made to be tidy or clean up after himself.
He didn’t listen because he was selfish and careless, not because he couldn’t pay attention.
He claimed to forget things or get distracted because it worked as an excuse to avoid punishment, not because he actually suffered from inattention.

Basically, he acted the way he did because he had been allowed to and because it worked for him.

Your son needs to try to function as an adult before you can make any determination on whether he needs to be evaluated.

SO much this. This is the reason that reception classes are now unruly and out of control with kids who do whatever they please. It's not due to SEND diagnoses (there aren't more kids with special needs nowadays, there is just more awareness therefore more kids diagnosed). It's the kids who have no SEND issues but whose parents never enforced the boundaries or had actual expectations of minimum behaviours.

I know I caused it in my elder two by being too permissive. It's unfortunately the normal parenting style these days. People confusing gentle & modern with a lack of actual parenting. I know I am to blame.

We do our kids no favours at all by having zero expectations. I'm about to have baby #3 and by jingo I'm not going to be passive this time. I did my elder two a disservice. A kick up the bum is a kindness because it's enforcing consequences.

My son was very much like yours . His dad blamed my parenting and was like a sergeant major with him. It didn’t work and split our relationship. Son was subsequently diagnosed with ADHD and traits of autism. He finished college with good results thanks to a great pastoral mentor and a close friend who pushed him to complete his work. He decided unI was not for him and was lucky enough to get a construction apprenticeship. The “male” environment has been great for him. No slacking and learning to take criticism. He is reasonably well paid and ,as a previous poster said , wanting the cars etc that his workmates have is spurring him on . I have also seen signs of ADHD in myself and now forgive myself for not being a perfect housewife!

A’s at A level in STEM subjects is still excellent especially this year.

My son would love a cook, cleaner, chef and secretary to follow him wherever he goes.

He was just 18 in August before he went to Uni this year. iIs your son an August baby? I think it may make a difference to some.

Thankfully, after a shock in the first month he is settled and is now loving Uni and his course is a 5 or 6 year medical degree so I am relieved he has structure.

It’s the lack of structure that is worrying when they slob around all day with no motivation tbh I can easily slip into this mode myself.

He needs to be more focused on his future now maybe some work coach counselling? Explore what he wants to do with a professional?

I voted YABU because lots of teens are like this and motivating them to change positively is much better for young people than kicking up the bum. I sympathise having a similar problem but bear in mind when he is ready, he will do it. When he gets a girlfriend or gets bored or panics that he’s wasting his life. Give it time and positivity.

Get rid of the PlayStation.

He's in your house not his own, he can do what he likes when he's got his own place.
Sounds Disgusting.

I sigh when I read 'he's bright and got AAA at A level'. So many parents on here believe this to be all that matters...place at an RG University.. job done. There also seems to be the expectation that once their 'child' leaves school they will act like an adult. If he's never been expected to keep his room clean, get a part time job...why would he magically do that now? This leaves you with a large child.