To give my adult son a kick up the bum

[Exasperated18]

I’ve posted on this before, but I’ve name changed for this one as I think linking previous posts together could be a bit outing.

I have one child, a boy nearly 19. He is a lovely boy. Never given me any real trouble. Has never come home drunk. No issues with drugs, or stealing etc and so far (fingers crossed) has never gotten into trouble. He got all A* in his exams, he’s very bright. He also has a lot going for him, he’s tall, in great shape, great looking, looks very much like Taylor Lautner. Perfect skin. At a glance, he seems to have it all. Talks lovely. Could breeze through an interview.

But, he’s also the most lazy, demotivated, slovenly person I’ve ever met. I am devastated as he seems to be wasting it all.

He’s taken a year off before going to uni, but isn’t sure he can be bothered with uni. He works only part time. Less than half time. Doesn’t want more hours or more money. He doesn’t want to go out, stays in bed playing Spider-Man on the PlayStation.

His room is a pig-sty. He leaves plates of food up there, packets. Etc. and he has this love of prawns and fish sticks…which after a few days of not removing rubbish makes his room smell god-awful.

He can’t even be bothered when he does go to work. Did a short shift this morning and said his manager gave him side eye all the time. I’m not surprised as he didn’t bother to iron his uniform or do his hair. He looked a scruff. Thankfully he does shower and wear clean (albeit creased) clothes, so doesn’t smell.

He’s also very last minute. Disorganised. Panics when he can’t get what he needs because he left it too late and then gets worked up until daddy solves his problems for him. And I can’t get DH to stop doing this for him either.

I feel like I’ve tried nagging him. It didn’t work. Then reasoning, which didn’t work. I left him him to it, and things unbelievably deteriorated more with him starting to call in sick so he could do even less and his room was so bad, DH and I had to intervene as we are very clean and neat people. He had woodlice in his bed fgs! I can’t deal with it. We have a new build, the house isn’t even damp. It’s the sweat from how long he spends in bed I’m sure.

I’m so stressed watching my beautiful, talented son do absolutely nothing with his life. I wonder what I’ve done wrong, and what I can do to fix this.

AIBU trying to intervene now to give him a kick up the bottom? How do I even do it. DS isn’t stressed or depressed or anything. He’s just happily slobbing through life.

I assumed he would continue to do well.

yeah, it doesn’t work like that. Also sounds like possible adhd. Pretty much standard that ND people excel at academia and then struggle with real life and jobs. Been there myself.

The routine and spoon feeding when it comes to education, even uni level, lends itself perfectly to how our minds work. Having to do daily, mundane tasks in our free time, and not having the right amount of dopamine to cope with that, makes it feel impossible. Similar with work, though that’s more about finding the right job.

He sounds quite extreme in his slobby/laziness though, hopefully he can at least pick up a bit of this slack, but I doubt he’ll ever be a neat freak.

https://drroseann.com/11-signs-your-adult-child-has-failure-to-lauch-syndrome/#:~:text=Failure%20to%20Launch%20Syndrome%20(FLS,college%2C%20or%20have%20adult%20relationships.

That’s amazing. I’m not sure DS would go though. I’d love him to, because what an opportunity. We couldn’t get him on a single school trip during his whole school career, even skiing in Canada…refused point blank to go. But it would be wonderful. I guess I could look into it and show it to him? It wouldn’t hurt to try and maybe…

good luck to your daughter!

With autism the struggles can increase as they leave school but with a proper diagnosis and supports from parents that educate themselves, things can stabalise.

You mention his hyper focus on subjects at school and his liking for order and routine?

He is likely a bit confused himself.

If you can afford a private diagnosis then do one.

Self knowledge is hugely helpful for so many.

@WhyDoIBloodyBother

interesting thank you. He does have quite a few of these. I’ll read in more depth with DH.

He had woodlice in his bed fgs!

How fucking grim!

Take photos and say you will send them to his girlfriend. Only joking, but he needs to see the consequences of his actions and life-style.

He certainly has a hyper focus on certain subjects and the way things are said or repeated. He sadly doesn’t hyper focus on physical organisation of his bedroom…with the exception of perhaps his gaming equipment, which is amazing to look at.

I think I’ve realised that I need to look into an assessment and we can pay for this. If I can find the right way to help him, I would be over the moon. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with me and putting me on hopefully the right track.

In fairness this did horrify him too. There were three of the things under his covers - all dead.
DH and I were disgusted.

To me your son definitely sounds like he has ADHD and I see you mentioned potentially Autism maybe there - these are very common together.
I have ADHD and I was always considered very bright at school, got great grades but struggled with being tidy, being on time, leaving things to the last minute.
Leaving education has led to a real struggle because I no longer have the strict routines and no one is there to force me to do things.
People argue it's a brain type not a disorder but it is definitely a disability to many and it's really exhausting just to get through the day. I'd suggest doing some research and even if he doesn't want to seek diagnosis you can change your response like:
Everything visual- lists, chores, daily checklists etc
Want him to do something - tell him only one thing at a time e.g. want the living room hoovered and the dishes done, you'd say hoover the living room, once he's done and you've checked you'd then say do the dishes. Doesn't have to be chores related but this really makes a difference.
I'm still trying to figure it out and I'm in my 30s but I applaud you for seeking help because so many people are only getting the support they need in older adulthood.

he’s just come out of 13 straight years of schooling

Ah diddums. Poor lad. 13 years of schooling.......

What's the pension age nowadays, before he can rest on his laurels again?

I started work at 14 with a Saturday job as did my son.

@Nn9011

I genuinely had no idea, but I’m so glad I started this thread. Thank you for sharing your experience. DH agrees that we should see if DS would like an assessment and we will be doing our research regardless.

That’s nice. Did you push yourself hard at school and get excellent grades? There’s more than one way to be hard working.

I would concentrate on trying to find your son a job that he would enjoy and that he could make a career of. He sounds very much like my son, now in his thirties. Very bright, did well all through school & had good exam results but then dropped out of university and just continued his part time job for quite a while. Once he got into a niche career that he loved he excelled. It’s now apparent he is on the high functioning end of the autistic spectrum, which we have discovered because his two boys are on the spectrum too. I never suspected at the time because he coped so well at school and it was not so discussed back then. He too will hold such detailed conversations about things he is interested in, that I sometimes struggle to keep up. Boys take so much longer to mature than girls in my experience but eventually they all find their way, so try not to worry.

I knew this would be the case when I read your OP. My order brother was exactly the same as your son, except that his enabler was our mother and your son’s enabler is your husband.

My mother never allowed my brother to experience consequences. She did his applications, paid his way, handled all paperwork, paid his bills, when he was young she’d even try to do his bloody homework for him to keep him from getting into any trouble. She was told over and over again by teachers, the school, family members, even his doctor: LET HIM FAIL! Let him experience the consequences of his laziness! She never did.

As a result, he turned out utterly useless. In about 25 years of adult life he’s only spent maybe around 30 months of that fully independent and not relying upon anyone else. He has been thoroughly evaluated and is 100% neurotypical.

So yes, your son needs a wake up call now before this gets permanently engrained. He’s only 19, it’s not too late for him to have a rude awakening in the real world and make changes. First get him off the games. The winning/achievements trigger the same reward response in the brain as actually accomplishing a real task, which then makes many people less motivated to do actual tasks because they’ve gotten a similar feeling of accomplishment from the game.

@Monetm

No actually. I'm a single mum. Didn't even go to university.

Worked my ass off to give me and my son the best life. He did go to university and is fine now in his 30's, I'm a pensionado. Not in Spain lol.

Thing is, failure to launch is a real thing. Who is going to pick up the pieces when you have kicked the bucket so to speak....?

Oh, and was carer for my parents too by the time they needed it.

Life has a way of doing what needs to be done, for you, kids and parents.

Thank you @Anneta and @WhichEllie

There is so much to think about and I’ve had such good advice.

The first thing we’ve done is put a password on the WiFi. And whilst Ds can have some screen time, it will be limited, DH wants to tell him it’s due to cost, as he’s less likely to get upset. I want to be honest with him and say it’s because of the excessive gaming .

Tomorrow, I’m going to create a table with red and green spaces. Red meaning, very important - get done before midday. To include things like make your bed and empty dishwasher.
Green will be things which I’m happier to wait to be done e.g. vacuum your room.

Tomorrow I’m also going to sit with him, to look at uni courses or alternatives to uni together. I’ll write our findings down on pros and cons flash cards, so he can look back and think about these. Doing something productive together might also keep him from missing gaming.

I’m also going to wait a few days so it’s not obvious, but ask him to be my PT at the gym. Again to get him away from the gaming and get him out and about.

Thanks again everyone for some amazing advice, reminders and reassurance.

@Nn9011 great post.

OP, my friend found the whole bedroom mess a massive stress point, but it is all part of adhd.

I would so strongly suggest you search YouTube for adhd male videos and how it presents.

They are hugely informative and educational.

You will feel so much less out of control if you recognise what is going on.

Some information can bring up mixed emotions but it is all knowledge that is empowering.

Seek a good recommendation.

Don't pick someone out of the air.

Do you know a great teacher that might point you in the right direction?

Have you a good GP that might gjve you an excellent name.

Sadly some psychologist do diagnosis via a box ticking exercise but there are others that are far more holistic in their approach particularly with an autism/adhd crossover.

You are not in a rush, do your research and get a good name. You could well be waiting months, so be prepared for that.

Thank you @billy1966 the information and direction you’ve provided has really made me rethink all of this and my own tactics - which clearly aren’t working.

You’re right that I feel out of control. I suffer with OCD and one of my biggest issues is catastrophising. But doing a bit of reading between posts, I saw something called body doubling and feel this could really work for DS and I because he does enjoy our company when he does get going with an idea.

I do know a teacher in the family and our GP is excellent. Whether they can signpost me in the right direction is yet to be seen, but I will make every effort to do this properly. I feel positive that I can still give DS a much needed kick up the bum, but perhaps not in the way I thought originally. But by taking a more supportive and collaborative approach.

thanks again!

My eldest is the same age. Got some very average a level grades (he admitted he could have worked harder). Got a uni offer for our local uni but he has deferred until next year. I was worried that taking a gap year might mean he decides against uni. Recently he started saying he wasn’t sure if the course was what he wanted to do and was spending a lot of time watching tv, scrolling on phone - he has a games console but doesn’t use it much.
he’s had a couple of very part time jobs albeit he started under the pretence that there would be more hours than there actually were.
he’s also a very well behaved young man, never got into trouble but very laid back sometimes to the point of frustration.

However, he’s actually started turning a corner - will do chores whilst we are at work, he’s just landed himself a new job - still part time but more hours, he does a lot of cooking, goes to the gym, has started driving lessons and has his test booked.

it’s very frustrating and I completely get it!

Hes been talking about uni again

@RM2013 great news! I can hear in your post how relived you are. I hope I can report similar in the not too distant future. It’s really reassuring hearing from people who have been there, done that and come out just fine.

My friend has got undiagnosed OCD and the bedroom mess was absolutely driving her mad.

She kept referring back to it when I was thinking, so what in the scheme of things!

But for her the mess was absolutely doing her head in.

So, be kind to yourself.

Funnily enough, my friend now believes she has adhd as well, as the whole diagnosis process brings up lots of information and these things do run in familys.

Her husband is a brilliant scientist and she has him diagnosed as autistic and a few other things!.

Once you start digging deep and educating yourself, you realise we are all on the spectrum, to a degree!

The very best of luck.

Does he not have any hobbies or do any sports? Those kind of things can give structure and be an anchor for motivation when the academic stuff takes a back seat.

If he’s gone through school with nothing much going on in terms of extra curricular stuff then I’m not surprised he’s feeling lost.

You and your DH could have been me and mine. We told our kids in their mid-teens that we would support them through university or training (if they so chose) but that if they didn't want to go, they would be expected to find fulltime work and either contribute fairly to the household costs or find their own place. Both agreed to that.

Then my eldest dropped out of school. Nothing we did helped, she did absolutely nothing for six months, and finally I moved her bed into the dining room, told her she no longer gets a free bedroom. Another six months and it still didn't budge her so I paid the deposit on a rental flat for her and helped/forced her to go to an interview, and she got the job. She then got sacked after two days, for calling in sick (when she could have gone in and should have), and two months later still no new job and me left with all the bills. At that point I said she was on her own. That got her temporary accommodation, then a council flat. I love her, but I don't think I am required to throw money down a well for someone who doesn't help themselves.

DH and I separated a couple of years later and Kid #2 had completed high school but sat around so long that I forced him to move in with me and get a job here in my city (DH is a lovely person but never enforces boundaries and DS stepped all over him!). Finally he decides he'd rather get skills than continue in a minimum wage job, moves back with DH and begins university. He has just finished his degree and is tidying up his thesis. But he has the same lethargy I see in your post OP and I worry, because he doesn't pull his weight in his father's house and he sleeps all day. I can see he'll do nothing at all once that thesis is in.

Honestly, Autism, ADHD, any of that, don't matter in the least, because these kids still have to learn to function in the real world, and their real problem isn't a neuro-diversity, but a lack of structure and self-discipline. I know it's our fault as parents, but it's still so hard to watch, isn't it?

We did lots with him. He still does go to the gym. He enjoys that. But he used to have golf lessons; attend Marshall arts classes; he had acting classes; he’s tried lots of things. Golf was his main passion. When he got to sixth form he stopped as he couldn’t cope with weekends and evenings being used up by the extracurricular. Particularly after he was going back to it all after Covid. Covid basically stopped a lot of his hobbies and he resisted against starting them back up afterwards.

He could start them back up now if he wanted. My dad takes him to play golf in the summer and DS loves the competition against his gramps. Comes home telling me how far he hit the ball etc. but when I ask if he’d like to go back, he doesn’t want to commit.

@Froooty yes, it’s worrying and draining and scary. All I want is for DS to be safe, secure and happy, but to be those things independently. I’m willing to try anything though. Fingers crossed for both of us.