Elderly parent and extended visit for newborn

[Maybemaybenot76]

DP and I are due our second baby soon and my 80 year old dad wants to come over from abroad and live with us for a month to “help.”

I’ve had to put my foot down and delay said visit until at least 2 weeks post birth but I’m still feeling incredibly stressed and upset about it.

With my first, my family seriously imposed themselves, arriving at the hospital the morning I gave birth after a 4 day induction, and guilt tripping me because I wouldn’t let them come beforehand.

Im dreading having to hide away upstairs to try and breastfeed my baby. I’m dreading all the unsolicited advice. We only have a 2 bed so I will be coming downstairs to him sleeping on the sofa at all hours of the night and morning. I’m absolutely dreading having to mother another human, because he can’t “help” me since he’s 80. It’s just another person to cook for and clean up after. He won’t shower when he’s with us because we have a shower over bath, and he’s scared of falling/slipping. I always feel bad because of this.

My father has always been a good person and has helped us financially over the years, I feel I can’t deny him this. A week I could do, but it looks like he’ll be staying at least a month based on what he is saying.

I know hormones are wreaking havoc, but I’ve just found myself crying. It’s so triggering, reminiscent of the situation with my first where lockdown hit and my father ended up stuck at ours for 6 months, shielding, with our new baby! Getting involved in all mine and DP’s arguments, always taking DP’s side. To this day it upsets me that my bonding time with my child was stolen.

AIBU? Will I appreciate having him there to help with DS4?

God no. I’m normally all for family visits with newborns but this is crazy.

He stays in a hotel, he stays a week (with a non-refundable return flight booked), or he stays at home.

do you have other family that he could go and visit while here?

Could you try to compromise with him doing a week with you, a week elsewhere (hotel? Other family?), then another week with you? Would still feel like a substantial visit but may be more bearable?

I'd say you're excited to see him and that what suits you is either when baby is a little older and you've got the run of yourself again, or him staying nearby in a hotel/bnb and help him locate somewhere suitable. Id tell him it was lovely having him last time but this pregnancy has been different and you won't feel up to having him stay straightaway. I'd also say you want to give your other child a chance to bond with baby without any other change at home.

Alternatively, depending on how manageable it would be, you go to him this time when your little one is maybe a few months old and stay near him? You might not feel up to that but it's another option. I think honesty is the best policy here.

Woman up and tell him he can’t stay with you. Can he afford an Airbnb? Staying a month is obscene, I’d kill any guest who stayed that long. It isn’t appropriate in a small house, particularly straight after birth.

Goodness me, no. If he can't cope with being woken potentially several times a night, can't wash himself in your house, can't cook meals for you as well as himself, he won't be able to help. He'll require your care, probably, while he's there. You'll be unable to provide it. Everyone will be stressed & resentful.

If anyone disagrees with you on this, they should offer to host him instead. As it's obviously easy for them...

He needs a Premier Inn with a walk in shower, a nice leisurely breakfast and the date postponed for another month.

You have your 80 year old dad sleeping in the sofa?

I agree, a Premier Inn or similar for the duration

@Justcallmebebes Where do you suggest we put him? In our child’s bed, or mine?

you need to have a conversation with him

explain it’s lovely he wants to help but actually causes more work for you when you need rest
you appreciate he wants to be close but could he book somewhere for sleeping, as that would help.

as for cooking he might need to muck in with helping as it’s to much for you to do it all

Blimey OP...you need to put your foot down here.

Whilst I would agree it would be nice for him to visit, I think you have to be really honest with him and say it will make it harder work for you and you won't be in any fit state to host him for any longer than a week.

I would reply - and get DP to understand how important it is to you along the lines of

Dad - that you for your kind idea of coming to help when DC2 is born. DP and I have had a in-depth chat and we feel that 5 people in the house is just too many. We also know that we can’t offer you a bed to sleep in due to the size of our place.
We would love to see you though - we think it would be easier for you to stay with a relative or this Y Airbnb or this Premier Inn.
You cal also offer that If he decided to stay for a month in one of those options then at the end of the month we could have a weekend away in Z place.
I am really sorry Dad if this isn’t the answer you were hoping for. We hope you will still visit and get to know DC 2 when he is born.
it might actually be better if DP deals with this ‘man to man’

I totally don’t blame you for your reaction and fears. You absolutely should not be looking after your Dad when you are post natal.

Why can he rent a Airbnb for a month. Then he goes home each night

It's lovely he wants to see you and make the effort to travel. He will adore seeing his new grandchild.

However... staying at yours is a no go. I'm guessing he's forgotten how vulnerable it feels having a newborn. You need to be able to walk around half dressed and unshowered with your boobs out. Therefore I agree with all the posters saying get a hotel.

Thanks for the replies.

I think him staying at a hotel is out of the question. I’d feel incredibly uncomfortable suggesting it, and I know he’d be very hurt.

I think the best case scenario is finding a way to say that 2 weeks is the max I can tolerate.

@Maybemaybenot76 I feel stressed just reading about this! I think you have to believe in yourself here. You are not being unreasonable not to want this.

You have had lots of suggestions here; I hope you find something that works for you.

I actually think that even two weeks will make you stressed and upset. I would be bold and say that you would much rather he came at a later date when the baby is bigger and when you are feeling stronger and up to looking after a visitor. Don't be afraid to put it like this. This man may be lovely but it is not lovely to ask to stay with someone who has just had a baby and especially not if you are 80 and need looking after.

You dont want to feel guilty so maybe decide to address it at some point in the future when you are feeling stronger. But honestly, he is out of order and you have every right to say no at this time. Best of luck.

OP, this is simply madness. 2 weeks as a compromise? That is just crazy. You will be postpartum, recovering from birth, have a newborn and another child to deal with and you'll have your 80 year old father sleeping on the sofa expecting to be waited on? And you think 2 weeks is a compromise?

You need to put your big girl pants on and say no, it's just not possible. You simply do not have the room for him, and even if you did, you will be adjusting to life with 2 children, you do not need to add your father into the household mix also. Tell him that while he is welcome to visit, you can't host him and he will either have to stay in a relative's house or a hotel, AirBnB, etc.

You need to put your foot down. So what if he gets offended? What's the alternative to him getting offended? It is you having to host him, putting all this extra pressure on yourself, when you should only be concentrating on your newborn, your older child and yourself. Why do your father's wants come before your needs? Why do you feel you matter less? Put yourself first.

Here's how you stop extended family turning up at hospital: don't tell them about the birth for a few days until you're at home. If possible, leave your eldest with a friend sworn to secrecy. If you have to rely on family, be kind but firm that you won't be having visitors and you'll welcome everyone to your home when you're ready.

If they're texting you or your partner asking for updates non-stop, just reply simply with, "We'll let you know as soon as we have news! 🙂" (even if you're already holding your baby when you send it). I was like you and shared immediately with my family in the 90s but I am now noticing that parents make the announcement when they're good and ready in 2023, usually at home and several days after the whirlwind has settled down. And why shouldn't they? It's their time and they've a right to be left alone to simply recover from baby's arrival.

As for your dad, what you tell him is that you have really been thinking about this and would love to see him for a week, because you found your newborn so overwhelming that an earlier and longer visit just isn't going to work for you. It would be simply magical if he would come to visit at Easter for a week. Keep babbling before he can interrupt, with how much kid #1 would love to go searching for eggs with him and decorate hats and make paper carrots for the bunny, etc etc etc. Gush over the top of him telling DP how great it's going to be because Dad can come visit at Easter for a week. Get at least five sentences out before he can get a word in. Include plans for at least five things that he'll be doing and make sure they're all about him looking after the toddler, and go on and on about how much incredible energy they have and how Grandad will be perfect to keep them busy.

The hope is that he feels like it'll be exhausting for him too and that a week will be plenty. But even if he doesn't, you need to stop being "the child" whose opinions get ignored, because you're no longer a child. You're his daughter, but you're an adult, and you do get to have a gentle, but kind, opinion on what you want in your own life. x

PS do you have siblings who could also kindly & gently be in his ear about how hard it might be to get used to a newborn with others visiting? And how much more he'd enjoy visiting when the baby is a little bit older and ready to cuddle and play?

I should add that he’s not an “old” 80 year old. He’ll still cook for us etc, but I’d have to re wash the dishes after him kinda thing.

He will genuinely believe he is coming to help, but there is only so much an 80 year old can do. I don’t particularly want my dad putting my bloody knickers on for a wash either!

You need to stand up for your family here. Your baby wants you to cuddle and feed them in comfort, constantly. Not be chartered up and down stairs and put elsewhere while you cook for your dad. Your ds4 needs mum and dad to be relaxed in their own space while he adjusts. Not a grandfather sleeping on the sofa and a tense atmosphere. And your poor husband! Come on OP, do the right thing for yourself and your family.

@Froooty Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately my siblings are encouraging him, and actually turned up at the hospital with my first too. It was a fight to stop them coming to the hospital before my first was even born.

When covid lockdown first hit, we wanted to get my dad on the soonest flight back home before things got really bad. When it was still relatively safe, with predications, and before borders started shutting. I think I was around 2-3 weeks post partum at that point. My entire family called me selfish and said that I was out of order for suggesting my father go on an airplane in a pandemic, and as such he ended up shielding with us and our newborn for 6 months. Drove DP insane. I ended up resentful.

^that was meant to say precautions.

Anyway, I feel like history is repeating itself!

It's that old Mumsnet adage, "No is a complete sentence"
You simply say to your siblings that if they want him to stay with them that's great. But you need to focus on your new baby and toddler. They could bring him over for a short visit during the day but he cannot come and stay - not for a number of months.

Write it down first and then email / text or speak to him and them. NO - he cannot stay with you at all. Not until you have your new family settled. You will say when you're ready. End.

Good luck.

History DOES tend to repeat itself because we all have established patterns of how we behave around our relatives, which have been laid down so long ago when we were in different roles - ie, big siblings boss us littler kids around, parents think their word is gospel when they speak to us and aren't used to us speaking our minds. So yeah, it can be really hard to remind ourselves that we're now equals, all adults, and all with a right to an opinion.

I'd say definitely don't tell the family when your baby arrives, give it at least a few days, because they can't rock up unannounced if they don't know you're in the hospital.

As someone else noted, you have a choice here, you either politely and kindly say something he doesn't want to hear (which you have a right to say) or you end up exhausted, overcrowded, in a horrible state of mind and resentful for a long time afterwards. There's something to be said for honesty, in just saying, hey, I found it all really difficult the first time having visitors too soon, and I don't want that to happen again because it made me really sad. Given that your dad cares about you, what's he going to do - try to tell you that you need to be sad?