Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Elderly parent and extended visit for newborn

52 replies

Maybemaybenot76 · 03/11/2023 18:53

DP and I are due our second baby soon and my 80 year old dad wants to come over from abroad and live with us for a month to “help.”

I’ve had to put my foot down and delay said visit until at least 2 weeks post birth but I’m still feeling incredibly stressed and upset about it.

With my first, my family seriously imposed themselves, arriving at the hospital the morning I gave birth after a 4 day induction, and guilt tripping me because I wouldn’t let them come beforehand.

Im dreading having to hide away upstairs to try and breastfeed my baby. I’m dreading all the unsolicited advice. We only have a 2 bed so I will be coming downstairs to him sleeping on the sofa at all hours of the night and morning. I’m absolutely dreading having to mother another human, because he can’t “help” me since he’s 80. It’s just another person to cook for and clean up after. He won’t shower when he’s with us because we have a shower over bath, and he’s scared of falling/slipping. I always feel bad because of this.

My father has always been a good person and has helped us financially over the years, I feel I can’t deny him this. A week I could do, but it looks like he’ll be staying at least a month based on what he is saying.

I know hormones are wreaking havoc, but I’ve just found myself crying. It’s so triggering, reminiscent of the situation with my first where lockdown hit and my father ended up stuck at ours for 6 months, shielding, with our new baby! Getting involved in all mine and DP’s arguments, always taking DP’s side. To this day it upsets me that my bonding time with my child was stolen.

AIBU? Will I appreciate having him there to help with DS4?

OP posts:

MariaVT65 · 03/11/2023 20:03

Op, please just put your foot down, say you’ve given this a lot of thought and there simply isn’t room. You need both bedrooms, and you also need the sofa in case you need to get up in the night or do shifts with your partner. This is madness. Please please put yourself first in this case. You are the one giving birth here and your feelings should come above your dad’s.

MikeRafone · 03/11/2023 20:13

So it’s ok for you to be uncomfortable but not ok for your dad to be hurt

have a conversation and communicate with him, see if you can reach a compromise rather than you being uncomfortable jyst to save him from adjusting a bit

SkyFullofStars1975 · 03/11/2023 20:23

Why can't your siblings put him up?

Original poster

Maybemaybenot76 · 03/11/2023 20:27

@SkyFullofStars1975 All my family live abroad.

OP posts:

Haveyouseenthemuffinman · 03/11/2023 20:32

“dad, it’s really important to us that big sibling gets some time with us as a new foursome, and our flat is going to feel massively crowded. Can you come for [this time] and stay with siblings the other time? Or maybe come later in the year and we’ll rent a house with lots of space together for a proper relaxing family time?”

no is a complete answer

Wrongsideofpennines · 03/11/2023 20:35

This would be a straight up no for me. He can't realistically think sleeping on a sofa for a month would be comfortable. You and your partner are going to have to say no.

Offer him other options like hotel for a week but honestly you need space to adjust to being a family of 4 without having someone literally in your space all the time.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/11/2023 20:49

This sounds like hell! If your dad gets upset, that really is his problem and you need to maintain those boundaries.

Nursemumma92 · 03/11/2023 20:57

This sounds awful OP even for 2 weeks as a compromise. I would say to him that you would rather him come and stay a bit later down the line when baby is bigger and more interactive and hopefully sleeping a bit better at night. Explain how you'll need to be able to use your living room during the night when baby wakes as a newborn therefore he will be constantly disturbed so it's best to wait a bit longer. I obviously don't wish for your baby to be a frequent waker etc but I just mean to over emphasise that part of it sp he takes it as you're looking out for his comfort.

This way it just seems like it is a logistical issue and you could suggest a hotel if he is adamant he wants to visit straight away.

inappropriateraspberry · 04/11/2023 09:24

You need to make it really clear that there isn't the room for him. Tell him to book a hotel for a couple of nights to visit. Then he goes home. No one needs a guest for more than a few days, staying with them or somewhere else!

TaaLaa · 04/11/2023 09:43

Is your other child's room big enough to put a fold up bed into? Although tbh, it sounds like a nightmare situation and you'd be perfectly reasonable to say no to the visit.

Goodornot · 04/11/2023 09:45

Can you afford to go there? Why don't you offer to go and see him for a week when the baby is about 3 months? Will be more interactive and alert by then anyway.

Original poster

Maybemaybenot76 · 04/11/2023 10:01

@Goodornot We will be going out there when baby is 7 months for an event anyway!

He would be distraught if he didn’t get to see baby as a newborn, basically.

OP posts:

Jk987 · 04/11/2023 10:03

Can one of your siblings travel with him and both stay in a hotel? That way he'll feel more comfortable and they can have breakfast together before coming to see you.

Are you sure he'll feel hurt or is that your perception? He'd be more hurt if he realised how difficult it would be having him stay in the sofa. You're not doing anything wrong! Please put your needs as a new mother first.

Original poster

Maybemaybenot76 · 04/11/2023 10:19

@Jk987 Yes, he’ll be hurt. I messaged him last night suggesting 2 weeks instead and he has ignored it.

My siblings are both with families of their own and working, plus we aren’t that close so not particularly fussed for even more guests.

OP posts:

MrsOvertonsWindow · 04/11/2023 16:06

You have a difficult choice OP. You either prioritise your father and his demands - or your baby, your child - your family in other words. You're being manipulated. Just because he wants to come and stay, doesn't mean that he should.

He's had his young family and his chance to be a young Dad. You and your family need some time to settle with your newborn. He feels entitled to be there and while it might come from a good place (misguidedly thinking he can help) the reality is impact on you and your newborn will be solely negative.

It seems that the family are setting you up to be the bad guy here. Older parents need to respect the pressures on young families and our role is to support, not make your lives more difficult.

Be clear and offer an invitation for a time that suits you once you feel you'll have your family a bit more settled. Good luck.

MariaVT65 · 04/11/2023 18:26

Op there is really nothing wrong with asking him to stay in a hotel. My family and friends live 2-4 hours away and they sometimes voluntarily stay in hotels in this kind of situation.

How is your dad going to get any sleep on the sofa when you need to be up with your baby during the night?

Younghearts · 04/11/2023 18:31

Is it not possible to just say No? 1 week only when baby is a few weeks old

Younghearts · 04/11/2023 18:32

Also he shouldn’t be guilt tripping you and ignoring your messages! Ignoring my messages or not there’s no way I’d let my parents stay over for a bloody month if I had just had a baby. That’s my special time to bond no way would I want to be a host too.

coconutpie · 04/11/2023 18:40

Maybemaybenot76 · 04/11/2023 10:19

@Jk987 Yes, he’ll be hurt. I messaged him last night suggesting 2 weeks instead and he has ignored it.

My siblings are both with families of their own and working, plus we aren’t that close so not particularly fussed for even more guests.

Your father is only suiting himself. Not you. So you offer the same consideration to him - suit yourself, i.e. tell him he won't be able to stay at your home. I can't believe he ignored your message but also can't believe that after all the advice you received on here that you went ahead and offered him 2 weeks to sleep on your sofa when you have been bursting into tears at the thought of it.

OP, you can cancel your offer of 2 weeks. Where is your father coming from? You say he'd be hurt if he couldn't see your baby as a newborn but instead, you'll be hurt because he's demanding he stay at put you at massive inconvenience.
Stop putting him first. Put yourself first. It is perfectly acceptable to say no.

Original poster

Maybemaybenot76 · 04/11/2023 18:49

@coconutpie It’s difficult. We lost my mum when I was 15, so my relationship with my dad has always been strong since then. They were together for 35 years and he was so lonely for such a long time, and I left home at 17. He has always been there for me, financially, emotionally etc. No questions asked.

I feel terrible saying no to him. He lives for his grandchildren, and for me especially as I’m the youngest child and only daughter. We are all he has left.

OP posts:

MrsOvertonsWindow · 04/11/2023 20:44

You sound lovely OP. And it's great to be close to your parents. But (as you already know) the first weeks with a new baby are tough. If he's unable to prioritise your needs because of his wants then that's a problem. And unless you insist that he delays his visit until you're a bit settled with the baby or he stays somewhere else, then you're being forced into prioritising him over your family.
It's evident this is all very difficult for you and maybe your DH could step up and speak to him? "You're very welcome to come and stay but as there's no space, you'll need to wait for 6 weeks (or whatever suits) until we're a bit more settled with the baby and can cope with having someone sleeping in the lounge".

PermanentTemporary · 04/11/2023 20:54

Well. If there's no way round it you'll just have to get through it.

You're going to have to ring him and say it's two weeks. Again and again and again.

Could he focus on the older one, taking them out etc? That could be useful.

I'd be genuinely tempted to go to a hotel with the newborn myself and visit daily.

Loulou377 · 04/11/2023 21:34

i agree it’s less than ideal but how wonderful you have a loving father who wants to help. Id just let him come, it’s a month out of your life and you/ he may never get that bonding time together again. Life is so precious, make memories together.

avenue1 · 05/11/2023 08:42

If he means that much to you, and you cannot say no to him, then you'll have to make it work. Buy a better bed for him, cook a lot of meals in advance. Organise for a short-term cleaner. Save to get take-always. Again, not the first choice of how to spend maternity pay and time, but you won't say no, so make the best of it.

user1492757084 · 05/11/2023 10:58

How about asking your husband and father to organise all the food and cooking for the whole stay. So your husband has to be the quality control of the clean dishes and redo them etc.

Also be protective of your own space and the baby; keep your privacy. Enlist your husband to guard your space.
Ask your Dad to occupy the two year old routinely at times-reading, watching over the bath, etc.

Limiting the stay to two weeks is a good idea.

Flip

1 2 3