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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make my son go on the school residential

70 replies

DogFish632 · 03/11/2023 17:13

DS is in Year 6. They have had residentials every year for the last 4 years, 2-3 days, a couple of hours away, mostly to standard outdoor pursuits type places. DS has generally disliked them - he is not outdoorsy, finds it difficult to sleep in dorms, although he has enjoyed the social aspect of being with his friends. (The exception was when they went on a "city break" to London and stayed in a proper hotel - he loved that).

There is a residential to France coming up in Spring which we have to decide on now and start paying for. Almost everyone goes. It is 5 days, involves a 12 hour coach trip each way, and is at an outdoor-pursuits-and-dorms kind of place, near the Somme.

He is not keen on going. He doesn't get travel sick, but just does not fancy the prospect of two 12-hour coach trips to do a load of stuff he dislikes away from home. He could be persuaded - but I don't know if I should.

I'm torn between letting him give it a miss (as it really does not sound that appealing to me), versus encouraging him as it will be "good" for him, in some sort of gaining independence, cultural capital sort of way.

[Other relevant info - I'm not sure if he would have to go to school for the week they are away - it wouldn't be a problem either way as we have childcare, and he wouldn't be too fussed about going in and reading for week either. It's £600, which we can afford but equally we could use for things he actually enjoys instead).

YABU - make him go, school residentials are hugely important to kids.

YANBU - let him give it a miss.

OP posts:
LoreleiG · 03/11/2023 17:20

I can relate because my son does not want to go on his. I am going to do my utmost to persuade him because it’s only a week and he might look back and wish he had gone. However, my son has only had one other residential so far.

saladfingers · 03/11/2023 17:21

Trips like this make life long memories. Are all his friends going? How many other children will be left behind at school?

ZoChan · 03/11/2023 17:23

Use the £600 to go on a family holiday that week instead!

BakingQueen14 · 03/11/2023 17:23

I always remember my year 6 residential because it was awful! I knew I wouldn't like it as it was all outdoors, watersports, hiking etc and I'm more of a reading, sewing, baking person. I allowed myself to be persuaded into going (mainly because 'everyone was doing it' and it wasn't convenient for school for me to not go) and it was utterly shit. I hated it. The residential they did in a historic city the year before was great. Don't make him do it if he doesn't want to.

Houseagh · 03/11/2023 17:23

Let him miss it! It’s not everyone’s cup of tea

AmiablePedant · 03/11/2023 17:24

Why on earth go all the way to France just to do "outdoor-pursuits-and-dorms" when this could be done more cheaply and with less travel time in the UK? If they were actually getting a real dose of French culture or going to places of historical interest it might be a different matter!
I'm also amazed to think that all parents in your child's class are expected to fork out that kind of money--surely it would be hard for some people? Unless your school serves a very affluent catchment area.

Flightsoffancy · 03/11/2023 17:24

We never did this sort of trip at that age and I find it bizarre how strongly they are pushed - well, at the school I work at, anyway. The teachers seem to think they're of life changing importance. Maybe they are, as I say, never did one myself and my DD isn't old enough yet to have been on one. So from that POV I'd say you're definitely NBU and if you don't think he'll enjoy it, don't send him! There will be plenty of other opportunities.

Nothankyou22 · 03/11/2023 17:25

My eldest didn’t go because he has autism and wouldn’t sleep and no safe foods apart from breakfast.
my daughter is due to go next year but we already booked a holiday half way through the week and she had said before she didn’t want to as she has separation anxiety.
id always go with what your child wants but you know them best to make the final decision whether it would benefit or stress them

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/11/2023 17:26

saladfingers · 03/11/2023 17:21

Trips like this make life long memories. Are all his friends going? How many other children will be left behind at school?

See the post below yours in which the poster's lifelong memory of theirs is that it was "shit".

I'm a retired (secondary) headteacher and chair of governors for 2 primary schools. I'm firmly in the 'if a child really doesn't want to go, do not force them' camp.

They do need to be in school if they don't go, mind.

Badbadbunny · 03/11/2023 17:27

Our DS didn't want to do his year 6 residential trip either. We went on holiday ourselves that week instead. No one cared. Didn't bother DS at all. He didn't regret not going and the rest of the class barely mentioned it afterwards and barely realised he wasn't there with them. OP, don't stress it, just don't send him and do something else interesting instead. Worst thing would be to send him to school for him to have to be sat in a different class for the week which would potentially cause him issues!

NotFastButFurious · 03/11/2023 17:31

£600 for a year 6 trip given the current cost of living seems insane to me, I'm currently hesitating on spending that much on myself for 4 days to do something I'll actually enjoy! If he doesn't want to go I wouldn't force him and put that money towards something he'll like.

Ilovelurchers · 03/11/2023 17:31

Don't make him. You can do a lot of fun stuff as a family for that money!

5foot5 · 03/11/2023 17:31

I would be inclined to encourage him to go.

It would be different if there was some issue that would make it positively unpleasant for him, eg bullying, food issues, SEN.

However if it is a case of him just not fancying it much then I think, if you can afford it, it would be good to go. If he doesn't he could end up feeling terribly left out as no doubt the others will all be talking about it for weeks before and after.

Do you know anything about the itinerary? There might be visits to interesting places as well as activities.

Shopper727 · 03/11/2023 17:33

My 2 eldest went on theirs, they only do one in p7, loved it. 3rd son really homesick and didn’t like it. Youngest didn’t go, asd and wouldn’t cope but school weren’t overly happy. He loved his time with me. I’m not paying money for something he doesn’t want to do. They tried to charge me £200 for a day so he could participate with his friends.

Jellybean85 · 03/11/2023 17:36

@VickyEadieofThigh can I ask why you say this?

"I'm a retired (secondary) headteacher and chair of governors for 2 primary schools. I'm firmly in the 'if a child really doesn't want to go, do not force them' camp.

They do need to be in school if they don't go, mind."

I have three two are teens. I've always been very hot on attendance but I really can't see that if the vast majority of his class/year are off in France with teachers that much of importance will be happening in school Confused it's about the one occasion I would be considering a term time holiday!

Summermeadowflowers · 03/11/2023 17:36

I think a child who is confident enough in his own mind to know his likes and dislikes and stand apart from his peers will be fine either way. Children who want to go but are anxious about leaving home are different.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 03/11/2023 17:36

I would in no way make my child go if they didn’t want to but if he enjoyed London, would he not enjoy France?

My DD didn’t like the adrenaline type trips but didn’t mind the city based trips.

Growlybear83 · 03/11/2023 17:36

If your son doesn't go on the residential trip, there would be an expectation by most schools that he will go into school each day, but will probably be put into another year group for the week, if he's one of only a very small number who don't go on the trip.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 03/11/2023 17:37

If he really doesn’t want to go, then I wouldn’t force him.

But If he’s not that bothered and you can afford it, then I’d probably encourage it just because it is something he’ll always remember.

PinkLemons99 · 03/11/2023 17:38

Definitely don't force him.

I never went on any holiday type trips in secondary school (lack of funds in my case), but it's not bothered me. Surely, it's much more fun organising your own trips as an adult?

The suggestion that he'll feel massive regret for years afterwards is plainly bonkers and I can't help feeling a bit sorry for anyone that genuinely thinks that way. 😳

Original poster
DogFish632 · 03/11/2023 17:38

Thanks all!

To answer some questions - it is a private school in the NW, affluent area (we are the poor-ish relations).

He isn't dead set on not going. It's more, "Do I really have to?". I think he would enjoy some parts of it.

It's mostly the length of the trip, and the length of the journey that is putting him off.

DH and I are baffled because in our day, it was 2 nights at PGL, maybe twice over our school careers, and that was that.

OP posts:
Saz12 · 03/11/2023 17:38

If he really doesn't want to go, then what benefit is there in forcing him? Ask if hes absolutely certain, as he might feel left out. If he regrets it later, that in itself is a good lesson.

NotFastButFurious · 03/11/2023 17:40

oh gawd, from the NW to france on a coach is nothing short of child abuse (been there, done that!). Are they travelling through the night as well? our school trips used to always leave late at the night to drive to Dover through the night, then an early morning ferry crossing and then a few hours driving into France. Hell on earth.

WarningOfGails · 03/11/2023 17:41

£600! Surely lots of kids won’t be going at that price!

Nothankyou22 · 03/11/2023 17:44

I agree previously our school did 2.5 day’s residential and then two day trips one to a theme park and one to a zoo so my son didn’t miss out entirely as he did the day trips, now it’s back up to a week, no contact for a week my daughter just doesn’t want to go, it’s a week before half term and I’d already booked a holiday abroad mid week so at least she won’t regret it