To not make my son go on the school residential

[DogFish632]

DS is in Year 6. They have had residentials every year for the last 4 years, 2-3 days, a couple of hours away, mostly to standard outdoor pursuits type places. DS has generally disliked them - he is not outdoorsy, finds it difficult to sleep in dorms, although he has enjoyed the social aspect of being with his friends. (The exception was when they went on a "city break" to London and stayed in a proper hotel - he loved that).

There is a residential to France coming up in Spring which we have to decide on now and start paying for. Almost everyone goes. It is 5 days, involves a 12 hour coach trip each way, and is at an outdoor-pursuits-and-dorms kind of place, near the Somme.

He is not keen on going. He doesn't get travel sick, but just does not fancy the prospect of two 12-hour coach trips to do a load of stuff he dislikes away from home. He could be persuaded - but I don't know if I should.

I'm torn between letting him give it a miss (as it really does not sound that appealing to me), versus encouraging him as it will be "good" for him, in some sort of gaining independence, cultural capital sort of way.

[Other relevant info - I'm not sure if he would have to go to school for the week they are away - it wouldn't be a problem either way as we have childcare, and he wouldn't be too fussed about going in and reading for week either. It's £600, which we can afford but equally we could use for things he actually enjoys instead).

YABU - make him go, school residentials are hugely important to kids.

YANBU - let him give it a miss.

@Jellybean85 I meant that the school are unlikely to let the OP simply keep him at home. As it's a private school, however, maybe they will.

Not necessarily good memories.

I still remember a particular ski trip due to the fact that we all got sick with the most horrible stomach flu 🤮
could have given that one a miss tbh.

quite a few other class trips were rather “meh” as well.

Trips like this really don't make lifelong memories.

I can barely remember my school residential to Holland except for some random shite about 2 girls having the same coat, another fancying a waiter, oh and me getting bullied.

If he’s already has had residentials and has had the experience I wouldn’t force him . By year 6 near us children would only be on their second residential to an outdoor type place . The first in year 5 would be closer to home .

one of my kids missed all his residentials due to the pandemic and has only just had a night away now in year 8 . I do think that’s an issue but it sounds like your son has had the experience.

Will he have further opportunities at secondary ? Schools really vary . One of my DS gets an opportunity each year to go abroad and theatre trips to London but a neighbouring school literally go nowhere

Yes, use the £600 to put him up
in a hotel on a family holiday in the manner to which he has become accustomed.

I made my son go on his year 7 residential when he didn’t fancy it at all (they were in shared tents doing bushcraft locally which somehow still cost a fortune). I made him go on his year 6 trip to the Isle of Wight too which he was also initially unkeen on but ultimately did enjoy (other than the disco which was too loud for him and some mild homesickness)… so thought I should push him for the year 7 trip too, despite knowing that he had not enjoyed that sort of thing when he was a Cub Scout (which I eventually allowed him to quit even though I’m a leader there!)

It was a disaster, he was totally miserable (the weather didn’t help) and I got phone calls from the school both nights saying he wanted to talk to me as he was homesick and I was worried sick about him as he was crying his eyes out both nights. And it cost a fortune, like hundreds of pounds which I could really have used! I haven’t pushed him since for a school trip (though during the pandemic there obviously weren’t opportunities anyway).

I sort of regret sending him but I also learned from it to trust his own judgement on this I guess! He ended up being diagnosed with ADHD as a teen which maybe explains some of it (I think he may also have “milder end of the spectrum” type autism or at least autistic traits but can’t afford another private assessment!). I found it so hard to understand as I’d have jumped at the chance to go away with school at his age (and we did have a few trips though nothing like what they get offered these days, one to Amsterdam in year 6 and a couple of ski trips to France/Austria, all of which I have extremely fond memories of even now and would have hated to miss out on). But I’ve had to accept that my son and I have very different personalities and that’s ok. And it’s saved me a lot of money which I’ve spent on us going on great holidays together in school holidays instead.

So I reckon don’t push him if he’s not keen.

They can be pretty bad. My kid went on one where they were refused water.

I think if it is non compulsory it's a good opportunity to give him the choice and he is old enough to understand the ramifications of both choices.

What if the memories it makes are bad ones, @saladfingers?

Our PGL was in year 7. I went on the ski trip instead which was fantastic. I hated the thought of the activities on the PGL. Do what your ds wants. If he’s not keen then he’d not keen, don’t force him.

Year 6 residential tend to be at the end of the year, so it’s not even like he will miss an important bonding experience with his classmates.

That said, when DS did a year 6 trip to France, they did go to farmers markets and things, it wasn’t only high ropes and water activities, so he might like it more than he thinks. Perhaps ask the teacher for the full itinerary for the last one, so he can judge.

I wouldn't make him go. DD is also not outdoorsy and hates sleeping in dorms, and she loathed her Y7 one (didn't do Y6 because of Covid). She gets another chance in Y9 but I won't push her if she's not keen.

I don't see the benefit of them. DCs went but as DD1 said years later, she went knowing she didn't enjoy that sort of thing and came back absolutely certain she didn't enjoy that sort of thing.

They very much got talked/pushed into it by their school.

If they've been doing residentials every year, then I really doubt that this one will be that much of a talking point.

My son went on his year 6 residential and hated it. They are going one for a week in year 8 now in February and he doesn't want to go so I am not making him. He will still go to school for the week. Nothing worse than being forced to go somewhere you don't want to I wouldn't make him go.

I would pay for it. My daughter had her year 6 residential earlier this year. A couple of her friends were adamant they didn't want to go but changed their minds as it got closer. By then it was too late to book.

I had a week long trip to France in my last year at primary school , I hated it , every second of it .

As for making life long memories well I can't recall a single thing we did in that week in any detail .

I hated that kind of stuff as a kid. It’s supposed to be fun and I think there’s zero point going if it isn’t fun to you. Let him stay home!

When DD was at primary they did 3 residentials. In Y4 it was one night away somewhere local, in Y5 a weekend away, then in Y6 the biggie, where they were away from Monday to Friday at an outdoor activity place on the Isle of Man.

The Y6 trip definitely was a major event, much more so than the other two, and actually they all seemed to have a fantastic time. DD is an adult now but she says she still has fond memories of it. I think everyone in the year group went.

My DC1 didn't go on a similar trip. He didn't want to be away from home (ASD also played a part), was anxious about strange food, being on a coach, sharing a dorm etc, and that was that. He was the only one in his form who didn't go. It was the right choice for him.

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about.

The only things I remember about mine are a Ceilidh (which was fun), abseiling (which was not), and some girl telling a story about an evil clown which had everyone in tears and too terrified to sleep.

If he doesn't want to don't bother.

I went on three residentials - in y6, y10 and A-level.

I didn't particularly like any of them. The y6 one was maybe okay but we're not talking everlasting wonderful memories. Not worth it if he's not enthusiastic about going.

Completely agree.

France is totally unnecessary at this age.

It should be outdoor learning and adventure and there are hundreds of places in the UK to chose from.

Oh I really feel for your DS! I went on a week long school trip to France in Y6 and really didn’t enjoy it. The coach journey took an age, we tried skiing which I was beyond hopeless at, and I accidentally got left at the hotel whilst everyone went out (cue frantic phone calls to my parents who had to phone the headteacher to get the contact details of the staff actually on the trip). However, I did 3 separate 3-day trips to London in secondary school and I adored them, I still look back on them fondly!

If it is outward bounds type trip and your son isn’t really into it, I wouldn’t force it. I’m sure there will be other trips that are more up his street in the school years to come!

@ZoChan

no! It’s good for kids to do things outside of their comfort zone! It’s how they grow and develop