To not make my son go on the school residential

[DogFish632]

DS is in Year 6. They have had residentials every year for the last 4 years, 2-3 days, a couple of hours away, mostly to standard outdoor pursuits type places. DS has generally disliked them - he is not outdoorsy, finds it difficult to sleep in dorms, although he has enjoyed the social aspect of being with his friends. (The exception was when they went on a "city break" to London and stayed in a proper hotel - he loved that).

There is a residential to France coming up in Spring which we have to decide on now and start paying for. Almost everyone goes. It is 5 days, involves a 12 hour coach trip each way, and is at an outdoor-pursuits-and-dorms kind of place, near the Somme.

He is not keen on going. He doesn't get travel sick, but just does not fancy the prospect of two 12-hour coach trips to do a load of stuff he dislikes away from home. He could be persuaded - but I don't know if I should.

I'm torn between letting him give it a miss (as it really does not sound that appealing to me), versus encouraging him as it will be "good" for him, in some sort of gaining independence, cultural capital sort of way.

[Other relevant info - I'm not sure if he would have to go to school for the week they are away - it wouldn't be a problem either way as we have childcare, and he wouldn't be too fussed about going in and reading for week either. It's £600, which we can afford but equally we could use for things he actually enjoys instead).

YABU - make him go, school residentials are hugely important to kids.

YANBU - let him give it a miss.

There is more than one way to live a life. Kids don't have to do things just because most other kids do them.

Many people mistakenly think you have to push children to do things early or they will never do them at all. This is not true. Children grow up and try things in their own time.

I say let him stay at home. He’ll either be a bit disappointed but will have learned a lesson about doing things he finds a bit uncomfortable and getting benefits from that, or he’ll be glad he didn’t go and will benefit from having his boundaries respected and his views taken seriously. That said I’d talk him through each stage of what the downsides might be so he’s making an informed choice. For instance, ask him how might he feel seeing pictures of the trip, everyone talking about it constantly etc. If he’s still not keen that will say a lot

I wouldn't stress too much about it. If he goes, he'll be fine, even if he doesn't love every minute of it. If he doesn't go, he might get a bit of FOMO when they all get back, but he'll get over it. In my experience, there will be 5-10 out of 60 who won't go on a residential abroad- I'd be very surprised if he's the only one.

Either decision will be OK.

I didn’t go on any overnight trips with school 🤷‍♀️ Why would you make your child do something that they don’t want to do? It would be a waste of all that money too 😩

If he’s been on them before I’d let him miss. In our school though they’d be expected in and join the year 5 class. Not everyone will be able to afford this trip though so they might make separate arrangements for them.

@DogFish632 I went abseiling on an outdoorsy holiday despite me not being remotely outdoorsy.

I was there as a volunteer helping disabled kids.

What I remember is the abject humiliation of me leaning slightly out over the edge, freezing and being unable to move forward or back. Ended up hooked up to an instruction who lowered me down.

Meanwhile the other volunteers were going up and down the rock blindfold😂

There is 'outside your comfort zone' and also 'creating a lasting memory of a panic attack'

My year 6 is very independent, confident and social. She's happy to go for sleep overs for one night. But she would absolutely hate being away from me and her dad for that long and being in a different country to us. Whereas my SEN son went with his special school to Lourdes for a week and loved it.
It very much depends on the child. It is still young to be that far away from you for that long. No way would I encourage him to go if he doesn't want to.

Many people mistakenly think you have to push children to do things early or they will never do them at all. This is not true. Children grow up and try things in their own time

This is so true. My DC1 who wouldn't go on the residential now travels around all over the place, eats "strange food", and does all kinds of things he wouldn't have done when he was younger. If I'd forced it when he was younger, all it would have done is make him very stressed and unhappy.

My other DC were all very happy to go away when they were relatively young, btw. All children are different.

I disagree. With travel comes exposure, and hopefully empathy toward cultural differences.

My son's residentials always had big elements of sightseeing, eating local foods, bartering in their attempts at the local language.

OP my niece said she didn't want to go. Parents opted out, but the week of, when everyone was chosing dorm partners, packing etc, she started feeling left out. Twas too late!

So don't force him, but explain if you don't commit now, he can't change his mind...

I’ve always given mine the choice. So my oldest did he 3,4,5 and missed year 6 as that wasn’t his thing though candles anyway because covid. His skipped all the ski trips at secondary but his going on the history trip to Belgium in year 10. My middle one again picked to do all the trips bar the city one as she didn’t want to skelp around London as a trip.

Im trying to think bad and I don’t recall much fun from my school trips. Maybe Scarborough as we where flirting with the local lads out the hotel windows that’s pretty much the highlight of that trip.

Just to add, I really don't think they are the 'life long memory' trips that people think they are. I went on a few, including Euro Disney in year 11. I can barely remember any of them. And my school friend, who I'm still friends with was insisting she didn't even come to the year 8 one, until I showed her photographic evidence 😆

I went to two in primary school (both wales for 2 nights) and remember loving them. I then went on a skiing trip in year 8 to France for 5 days and absolutely hated it, I loved skiing but I missed home terribly and even now I remember how sad I felt, I just wanted to be at home. Please don't make him go, it's such a long way and not somewhere you can go pick him up from if he wants to come home.

The NW to France for 5 days. Sounds horrific. Those are the sort of.memories I can do without.

It’s a hard one because I get why you would want him to go. These opportunities are few and far between as he gets older (you’re only in ur 6 once!) and he may like it when he’s there but if I know he wouldn’t enjoy it I wouldn’t force it or want to pay for it. There will be other children in his class that won’t be going so he won’t be the only one.

Thank you everyone for your replies. They've been very helpful, and reassuring that we're not being terrible parents by not pushing him to do it.

We sat him down this evening and went through the website of the place with him, which had lots of pictures, videos, descriptions of activities etc. It actually seems like a very nice place and DS did consider it carefully. He made an actual pros and cons list (!) and ultimately decided that he didn't want to go.

I feel like he's made an informed decision and if he ends up regretting it, well, that's a learning experience in itself. He probably won't though - he tends not to second guess his decisions (unlike me). I liked the pp that pointed out it will probably be OK either way, these aren't life-altering decisions.

Thank you again 🙂

My, very introvert, son went on a 5 day trip to wales in Yr6. He needed quite a bit of persuading but he came back about a foot taller as he had realised he was very good at outdoor-type activities (not scared of heights/water) and had sailed through many activities while his more academic peers had struggled. For the first time in his school career he was ahead of the pack. It was immensely good for him but I wouldn’t have forced him to go if he had been flatly refusing.

If your son engages with school and copes with the work and the environment, then maybe that is enough for him. It’s not mandatory to go to France for a week — and it’s not worth falling out over. He may have a rather boring week though, in a state school he would have to be in school for the week, independent schools might be different.

One good thing that came out of the pandemic was that DDs Y6 residential was cancelled. She didn't want to go and I'd been talked into pushing her to go.

She was so, so relieved she didn't have to go. I realised it was a big mistake of me to have listened to the teacher who insisted 'the children who don't go aren't ready for Y7'. What a load of bollocks!

Funnily enough none of the kids went and they all managed with Y7 when lockdown ended.

It turns out DD has ASD and she was really struggling with the thought of a week away from home. Regardless of her diagnosis I prefer to listen to my DD and how she feels about things.

Have to say I agree. I didn't really enjoy any school residentials other than duke of Edinburgh's training and expeditions. I loved guides, brownies, and church related trips though. If he's been on one school one he knows what to expect so I wouldn't make him go if he doesn't want to.

Not sure how much cultural exposure you're going to get in a group of 50 11 year olds on a coach trip going to an outdoor centre