To stop making a fuss over mat leavers

[Kiwilime]

Why are we still making a huge fuss and having collections and parties in the workplace for people leaving temporararily to have a baby? Aibu to think it's inappropriate and outdated?

Someone at my work is going on mat leave and we've all been aggressively pressured by her line manager to contribute to a leaving gift. Sorry but I simply didn't want to, I'm trying to grapple with mortgage and bill increases, but I'll look like an arse if I don't.

Babies are hard work, but everyone is treating her like she's off on a 1 year jolly up, and celebrating a baby who hasn't arrived yet. This colleague has been quite ill throughout her pregnancy, has GD, baby is small, and she's facing an induction, she's not exactly stoked right now, but having to grin and be happy for everyone else?

Also it's treated with faux excitement by bosses and employers - the reality is that from the moment you have a kid they subconsciously cut you out and dismiss you from opportunities and career progression. That's not anything to celebrate.

Also for context I don't have kids myself but would like to in the future, just not at that stage of my life yet. (There's no jealousy or animosity about the having the baby part, before someone predictably suggests it!)

There's a bit in silicon valley where the kick ass female CEO has to suffer a 'baby shower ruse' where her male coworkers throw her a party at which they network and plot how to overthrow her while she has to sit opening presents and smile.

I don't think any employee should be pressured into collections for anything, birthdays, Christmas, weddings, retirements etc

I think it's nice if there is an option if someone wants to put in, and if someone wants to organise if but there should never be pressure

I'm not sure why maternity leave needs to be singled out though (and I have seen collections for paternity leave/fathers having children too), why not birthday or retirement or weddings etc?

I think YABU. Why shouldn’t it be treated like a positive thing? Has the woman in your office said she doesn’t want the fuss? Just because her pregnancy is challenging doesn’t mean she’s not happy and excited she is having a baby. People should only contribute to a collection if they want to and are able to. I am currently pregnant and have no expectations that there will be a work present and would hate for people to feel pressured about that.

I’ve seen plenty of collections for retirement/leaving/birthday/wedding as well as maternity and paternity leave. I think it’s just a nice thing to do. You sound a bit miserable. If it’s someone I don’t work closely with I just ignore the emails and don’t contribute. The only thing I find annoying is when the same person has multiple children close together and there’s a collection every time! But then I just don’t contribute.

@Moreempatheticmyarse Specifically mat leave because there's so many elements to it. It's complicated. Retirement is a celebration of sorts, you're freed from the shackles of employment. Birthdays aren't going to directly affect your career progression (unless you're over 50). But equally any enforced personal celebration at work is unnecessary imo. I've never seen or heard of paternity parties. That is an interesting concept though as a guy at work recently became a dad and there was no fanfare for him.

I mean you can just say no .

Its a positive event welcoming a baby into the world .

Not everyone enjoys maternity leave , she sounds like she has had a rough pregnancy .

babies come with added expense a birthday doesn’t . And

My team mark people's significant life events - wedding or civil partnership, new house, new baby, leaving to go to another job, retirement - with a card and gift. We do maternity and paternity (fewer of the latter as we're a mainly female team). Contributions are totally optional. I think it would be a bit mean-spirited not to mark this stuff at all.

You shouldn’t feel pressured into contributing to any collection at work. Given it’s a workplace issue I think it’s safe to presume you’re a grown up so you can just not do it.

Generally speaking, the commencement of maternity leave is a joyous occasion for the expectant mother - signalling that her pregnancy is soon to be over and that she will be a mother (or be a mother again). I don’t think it’s that big a stretch mentally to work out why we celebrate this.

You should t be pressured into celebrating something you don't want to.

But this the reality is that from the moment you have a kid they subconsciously cut you out and dismiss you from opportunities and career progression this might be true for you. But it's not hit everyone.

Some people like their colleagues and some people aren't arseholes.

I don't agree with the pressure of having to contribute. It should just be an envelope that's passed round and you either put in or don't.
I still think it's nice to give them a present as a send off though. Despite how lots of people feel, I do still think having a baby is a huge deal and expectant mums should be fussed over and made to feel special.

I think it’s a bit of an insult to say becoming a mum is an end to career progression or opportunities, maybe in your company or in your opinion but that’s certainly not true everywhere or for everyone.

The problem is the aggressive pressure to donate to the gift pool. It should be a completely voluntary “here’s an envelope/ link to the PayPal fund if you’d like to contribute” and nothing more said. I don’t personally give for new babies or maternity leaves, but have no objection to quiet collections taking place.

I think it’s nice to celebrate these things - my colleagues did a little get together in the office before I went off but I wouldn’t have been offended if someone hadn’t contributed/signed my card.

Disagree about the promotion part though. I was given a promotion and an enormous pay rise a week before I went on mat leave 👌🏼

No-one even said bye when I left for mat leave

I just chuck a quid in and sign the card. It's not hard

I think this is deep, deep overthinking.

The world is full of shit events, and workplaces that are toxic, oppressive, and exploitative. But let’s have a go at something that’s positive and stamp out anything that might make the working day 1% less the same as always.

Is it a bit false? Yes. Do I actually care that Janet from accounts is having a baby? Probably not. Do I begrudge a couple of quid for a card and gift for someone going off for a joyous life event (for them)? Nah.

Oh we have far too many of these in our office, organised by the same person. They've recently 'discovered' a website which you can set up to 'collect' donations (can't remember its name). Now collections are coming in almost every week for one damn thing or other. Worse, still, is that the website has a 'running total' and a list of contributors, adding to the pressure!

First world problems, I guess.

This.

Whats it to you really? If you don't want to or can't afford to contribute, then just don't!

Having their first baby is a joyous occasion for most people, and you seem really miserable. Don't you worry about Lucy from accounts career progression after she's had a baby, just worry about your own.

The alternative is to what?

Do nothing, pretending we need to hide maternity leave?

It's a work thing, it will never be on the same level as a party thrown by friends and family. Its still a nice thing to acknowledge and celebrate.

As hard as the pressure to hide any individuality in the workplace might be these days, we don't work with robots, we work with people. Maternity leave is not a state secret either, some flowers and a bit of cake is not much.

You shouldn’t be pressurised but you come across pretty miserable. Having a baby is something to be celebrated and why be so against something positive. I like any reason to have a little celebration.
My workplace also mark weddings and milestone birthdays which is lovely

If we have a collection for anyone, we have a locked money box that's attached to the wall in the staff room where people can donate if they wish to.
No one knows who has donated or how much.
I think that is a good idea because no one feels pressured or guilt tripped into donating.

It used to be the suggestion box, but some of the suggestions were erm, eyebrow raising so it stopped being a suggestion box. Haha.

There may be no jealousy in your post but there's a fuck tonne of animosity.

@Kiwilime may I suggest that you watch an episode from the final series of SATC called "A Woman's Right to Shoes"? I think it will appeal to you - it's also one of the better ones. No spoilers from me.

@MyDogCalledMax Congrats, that's certainly unusual (from the experience of an HR consultant).

We always do baby showers/collections at my place of work, for the men about to become dad’s too. It’s really nice.