To stop making a fuss over mat leavers

[Kiwilime]

Why are we still making a huge fuss and having collections and parties in the workplace for people leaving temporararily to have a baby? Aibu to think it's inappropriate and outdated?

Someone at my work is going on mat leave and we've all been aggressively pressured by her line manager to contribute to a leaving gift. Sorry but I simply didn't want to, I'm trying to grapple with mortgage and bill increases, but I'll look like an arse if I don't.

Babies are hard work, but everyone is treating her like she's off on a 1 year jolly up, and celebrating a baby who hasn't arrived yet. This colleague has been quite ill throughout her pregnancy, has GD, baby is small, and she's facing an induction, she's not exactly stoked right now, but having to grin and be happy for everyone else?

Also it's treated with faux excitement by bosses and employers - the reality is that from the moment you have a kid they subconsciously cut you out and dismiss you from opportunities and career progression. That's not anything to celebrate.

Also for context I don't have kids myself but would like to in the future, just not at that stage of my life yet. (There's no jealousy or animosity about the having the baby part, before someone predictably suggests it!)

dads! Not dad’s!

@WhateverMate Yeah there's animosity towards being pressured into contributing money and fake excitement. Not towards the pregnancy/baby stuff.

And you've taken it up with the person doing the pressuring if that's your only problem with it?

"Also it's treated with faux excitement by bosses and employers - the reality is that from the moment you have a kid they subconsciously cut you out and dismiss you from opportunities and career progression. That's not anything to celebrate."

This is not my experience at all. I feel like you may have some underlying assumptions/prejudices. Maybe that's true in your workplace but it certainly isn't true everywhere.

I do think good managers take a lead from the people they manage about what they do/don't want when it comes to optional things like celebrating someone going on mat leave.

But on the face of it I'm not against it full stop. And I've had 2 promotions at my place of work, one of which whilst pregnant and the other 4 months after returning from a year of mat leave. My employer and managers are great though. They view each employee as a long term investment where pregnancy and mat leave are often a very small transient part of your career.

Who care if it's "fake"? Of course it will be to a point, it's work, it's people you don't actually have chosen or care about, and will have forgotten the minute you take another job.

It doesn't mean people have to be joyless, you can genuinely cheer for someone's engagement or pregnancy, no one is asking you to become the god mother.

I didn't experience anything like that at my work place, even though I'd been working there years. I said 'bye', left and came back a year later.
However, DH work presented him with a lovely hamper of baby items and stuff for us. It was so thoughtful and unexpected (especially as I've never met any of his colleagues).
I guess it just depends on where you work and the people there.
If you want to contribute, and can afford to do then great. If not, don't.

I have asked everyone not to do presents, baby shower or anything before baby arrives. Definitely not my friends at work, which includes people I don’t know well.

1- it’s cringe

2- I have had so many pregnancy losses I am actually terrified that the baby will die and I don’t want to have to pretend to be having a jolly time pretending I’m so excited.

I don’t think YABU but I also think people do it out of kindness, and some expectant mothers like the attention/to celebrate a positive thing (which is fine)

I was promoted on both of my maternity leaves - in two different workplaces.

I have promoted others on maternity.

I agree a bit and I'm on maternity leave. I didn't want a fuss before I went but that's because I was a bit unnerved about having a baby shower or celebration before the baby arrived.

I also didn't want someone to be forced into getting involved if they were struggling with fertility issues. You just never know what someone else is going through. I remember how hard it was to smile and say how happy I was for a colleague when I was going through a miscarriage so the thought of someone going through that because of me is awful.

In the end, there was still a zoom get together organised by my team but it was more about sending me off with a nice chat. There was a gift bought, which was sweet and ended up being really useful. I'm grateful but I think presents should just be a token gift or voucher from the company rather than a whip around.

My ex had special cakes made for him and presents, I was invited to the office for it.

You sound very bitter
Just don't contribute if you don't wish to

I have just started mat leave and my boss has said they will do something for me after the birth. Pregnancy and birth are shit and I agree it’s nice to have the odd gesture here and there.

However I totally agree about the pressure to contribue tbh. I wouldn’t contribute money to a colleague I don’t actually care about or work with that much.

The issue I’ve found is having to pay twice. If a colleague is a close friend, i get them gifts anyway. And then i get asked to contribute again through work.

We do leaving, retirement, babies (but only once the baby arrives and all are safe), weddings and birthdays ending in 0.

The annoying thing now is that it's all done as bank transfers or PayPal so the person collecting knows what everyone puts in. Before COVID it was an envelope sent round and it was easier to put less in if you couldn't afford much.

I think it’s nice but not at all mandatory for you to contribute - with any collection I only contribute when I like and know the person!

I was sent a gift from work once baby arrived and thought that was a nice, a few colleagues I class as friends and who visited bought me little gifts too but all after baby had arrived. I had zero expectations of anything from work colleagues at all.

I have a colleague who left for mat leave today. Not close, not on my team but in same office.

There has been a baby shower (with gift list for invitees who also had to pay for the meal/venue), office collection and card, and apparently an expectation from colleagues that when the baby arrives they'll take a gift for the baby, something for the older sibling and 'a little something so mum can spoil herself'. So, a huge expense, potentially for her closest colleagues/friends.

Since being with the company there has also been a wedding (overseas hen do expense, wedding attendance expenses and gift) and the same rigmarole for the first dc.

It's madness. I'm not a fan of baby showers or fancy hen do's anyway, the whole thing feels really grabby.

Yay, you got hitched and dropped a couple of sprogs. I need to do a Carrie Bradshaw and make my own 'I'm not getting married/reproducing gift registry...'

I bet you’re fun at a party. Lighten up, either stick a quid in and sign the card or say you don’t want to and own it. I personally choose to wish my colleagues well when they are going on maternity leave as I’m excited for them, about to start the rollercoaster ride that is having children and I never understand why people think to take pleasure in relaying childbirth or baby horror stories. And if the inequality of no collection etc for male colleagues bothers you that much, be the change and the next time someone takes paternity leave get a card and start the collection.

What madness is this?! I wouldn’t want my closest friends and family to spend this much, let alone colleagues!

Yes exactly this. It was via transfer so they know exactly who has contributed. The line manager involved is very loose lipped when she's had a drink, very judgy and bitchy, and I can imagine her telling everyone at drinks or the Christmas party exactly who doesn't contribute to collections.

@Kiwilime Yes you’re right! I had a difficult pregnancy, repeatedly told manager I didn’t want a baby shower (they just love it at my place) She ignored my wishes and I then booked the day of the BS off. Surprise surprise she then sprung it upon me another day. Giant bloody cake (which the smell of made me feel ill) and insisted I take home the cake that wasn’t finished. A nappy cake, what new parent doesn’t love unfurling hundreds of tightly rolled nappies?! Super small newborn outfits, couldn’t use them as my son I was large and it was evident as I was carrying big and kept being asked if I was having twins. Chunky 0-3 month cardigans from Jojo Maman for a baby born in early June. I think my colleagues contributed over £150 in total for gifts that I couldn’t use. Honestly wish they had kept their money, like you said COL and all that. The thought is kind but more often than not it’s usually not the mum to be that enjoys the BS. Some will say it’s ungrateful but honestly a card and some flowers would suffice.

@Milkmani Doesn't sound ungrateful at all. Sounds like you're conscious of waste and inconvenience, which most people don't appear to care about. Love that you tried to book the baby shower day off but they changed it to another day!

@Kiwilime Exactly it is such a waste. I have only ever gifted gift cards or a neutral item with a gift receipt should it not be suitable or to the recipient’s taste. People think they need to go over and above but once most women’s maternity pay runs out I’m sure they wouldn’t mind a supermarket gift card where you can buy both baby clothes and groceries or a coffee shop gift card for when the new mum wants to get out the house.

Yabu and Scrooge like (unless you have trauma like miscarriages then you can just opt out). You don't have to pay anything but don't begrudge your colleagues wanting to celebrate and encourage your colleague on this huge life transition. Becoming a mother is a massive deal. It's a nice way for the team to bond too.

Yes @Unexpectedlysinglemum there's no better way to bond with your team than to force them to sit through hours of cooing and ahhing, and baby advice nonsense, and also force them to pay for a gift!

You seem to have very complicated feelings about this and I'm not sure why.

Ive always worked in schools where a new baby is celebrated in some way. Why wouldnt you?