To stop making a fuss over mat leavers

[Kiwilime]

Why are we still making a huge fuss and having collections and parties in the workplace for people leaving temporararily to have a baby? Aibu to think it's inappropriate and outdated?

Someone at my work is going on mat leave and we've all been aggressively pressured by her line manager to contribute to a leaving gift. Sorry but I simply didn't want to, I'm trying to grapple with mortgage and bill increases, but I'll look like an arse if I don't.

Babies are hard work, but everyone is treating her like she's off on a 1 year jolly up, and celebrating a baby who hasn't arrived yet. This colleague has been quite ill throughout her pregnancy, has GD, baby is small, and she's facing an induction, she's not exactly stoked right now, but having to grin and be happy for everyone else?

Also it's treated with faux excitement by bosses and employers - the reality is that from the moment you have a kid they subconsciously cut you out and dismiss you from opportunities and career progression. That's not anything to celebrate.

Also for context I don't have kids myself but would like to in the future, just not at that stage of my life yet. (There's no jealousy or animosity about the having the baby part, before someone predictably suggests it!)

I just say im doing my own thing and get a card and some chocolate for mum

I don't know where you work but quite concerned that your employer potentially is breaking the law on discrimination by overlooking someone because they have a baby!

You might not be interested OP but others are, don't put in the collection if you don't want to simple as that!

‘Also for context I don't have kids myself’

Funnily enough I didn’t need you to confirm this! Going off on May leave is a big deal for many new mums and also a chance for colleagues to say good bye for a year. If you don’t want to get involved don’t, or just chuck a quid in and sign the card. It’s what most people do to be nice to mark a life event for a lot of people.

No one should be pressured into giving to collections etc, that’s out of order. But I found when I left on maternity before last year people were genuinely excited for me to have the baby and all the experiences that come with it.
I don’t know if it’s a bit of a shared experience by people who have also been on maternity leave too - I don’t like being that person that says “you don’t understand unless you have kids” but I think it’s more of a mutual understanding perhaps?

TANBU to do collections and YANBU to not contribute.

My workplace goes all out for these things and I’ve stopped contributing now as I’ve spent so much money over the last 8 years and I’m unlikely to experience it myself (single, childless, not moving house etc). Most of my colleagues have had 3-5 big collections in the last 8 years whereas I’ve had 0.

Just life really and I never say anything negative at work, but I’m another who relates to Carrie Bradshaw on this one!

If your workplace actively discriminates against mothers as you say, I think you’ve got bigger issues than a quid in an envelope. I’d be looking for a new job.

You sound quite miserable, OP.

No, you shouldn’t be pressured into contributing to a gift, but what does it matter whether that it for a wedding, big birthday, arrival of a new baby, or whatever?

Most positive milestones are celebrated in society, and as you spend a significant amount of time with your colleagues and are embarking on a new part of life where you won’t see them for some time, it stands to reason that they will make a fuss of you and wish you well with all the usual trimmings of a celebration.

If she had had such a difficult pregnancy, don’t you think it’s a nice thing that they are trying to inject some positivity and warm wishes to her time ahead? Should only women experiencing easy pregnancies be given a celebratory send off? If not, then why bring up how her difficulties shouldn’t warrant one?

Do you know she is ‘gritting her teeth and bearing it’? Has she told you that?

If this is really all about just not wanting to spare your money right now then have it just be about that, tell your manager in confidence that you cannot afford it right now, and stop being so miserable.

I'm currently on (my second) maternity leave and have been told all staff changes and of every job opportunity I may be interested in. Before I left, my team had a whip round for both me and the baby. I had a really hard pregnancy and knew when baby would be coming and it really cheered me up. My boss travelled 50 miles with a colleague to meet my baby and catch up in person at my house. I have been invited to all social outings while off, even though they knew I probably wouldn't go. I don't feel left out or that i had force a smile.

When I went off for my first mat leave it was the same - I actually applied for a job I was told of while off and returned into my new role with a £20k pay rise.

There's no pressure at my work to go overboard, but my boss and colleagues are such lovely people even if they're not "friends". I have no problem reciprocating either, in fact a colleague is having all of my baby's stuff instead of me selling it as she's about to have her first and I'm not having any more kids.

We only do milestone birthdays and there's not many of us of "child bearing age" so we aren't all spewing tenners all the time and I don't think people are celebration fatigued. It's easy to opt out of bunging some money in the collection, no one would even care. If you don't agree don't take part.

My work place has 2-3 collections a month due to the number of staff in the department. I stopped contributing a number of years ago unless it's someone who means something to me, or feel like I have to (close colleague illness for example).

YABU. It's an exciting time in life that many people don't do often. It's nice to celebrate. Maternity is an uncertain time and it's nice to feel your colleagues care.

My DH works in Architecture so fairly male dominated and back in 2011 received a load of presents for the birth of our DC!

And to add, I got bought an expensive spa voucher as well and I didn't even work there!

Isn't it all about congratulating and anticipating bringing a new life into the world.

Whichever way you look at it it it's still something special.

I think everywhere I've ever worked has marked someone leaving, retiring, or going on maternity leave with a collection and nice present. I assumed it was the norm everywhere.