To think there’s nothing wrong with this office friendship?

[AbstractLandscapes]

Two months in and I’ve found myself the subject of office gossip.

I took a 6 year break to try to become a painter. Painted water colour portraits of people’s houses which did quite well for a while, but demand dwindled and it got to a point where I dreaded picking up a paintbrush so I figured it was time to stop.

Two months ago I landed my current job. I knew nothing about this industry but my boss took a chance on me because I had unique skills and I like to believe that I’m good enough at it now.

That was the first point of contention with my colleagues. For the first month, they really had to pick up the slack for me and I think they weren’t expecting having to train someone from scratch. Heard through the grapevine that people thought I was a “nepo baby” even though I don’t know anyone there.

Last month, the head of our HR department retired and they promoted someone from another branch across the country to be the new head of HR.

Sometime during that week I ran into her at the coffeeshop on my way to work and we somehow got to chatting. We quickly became friends and she’s basically my “coffee buddy” now. Apparently this is another sticking point!! Heard again through the grapevine (2 separate reliable sources) that I’m now apparently a social climber!

Are people in HR or management not supposed to have friends?

AIBU to think there’s nothing wrong with this friendship?

I can’t vote OP. I think you know perfectly well that on the surface all of this is fine. But there is a faux innocence to your question ‘Are people in HR or management not supposed to have friends?’ that isn’t very attractive.

Is it possible that you are nicer to higher ups than to people of lesser rank, or people who can’t help you in some way? Are you sure that the people who used to help you now agree that you are good at your job?

Perhaps there are other questions along these lines you could ask yourself. People who are competent and nice to everyone, including higher ups, don’t usually get reputations as social climbers.

People in offices who are bored/unhappy with their lives will always find something to bitch and moan about.

Chin up, head down.

There's absolutely nothing that says you can't be friends across all levels of an organisation inside and outside of work. It's not inherently inappropriate and don't let anyone tell you it is. Some workplaces are more hierarchical than others and that's where you get problems. That and bad culture. Some people are just obsessed with status and position because it makes them comfortable and gives the something to compare and judge people against. Those sorts of people thing you're getting too big for your boots being friends with the "high ups".

I kinda get being a bit miffed about having to carry a hew hire who isn't as experienced as they'd expect but that should be an internal, personal thing and they shouldn't be projecting it openly onto you. Assuming you're capable and willing to learn, they shouldn't be holding onto any long term resentment.

Do your best, keep your head up and don't let them affect you - easier said than done sometimes. The kinds of people who are likely to make those comments aren't the sort of people you need to impress because they'll always find something to pull you down for.

Unless their opinion makes a difference to your job, don't worry about them.

It sounds like a bit of a toxic or bitchy environment. Just keep your head down and do your job to the best of your ability and try to ignore it.

But I think you should be more discreet about coffee meetings or friendliness with the HR manager. To be honest it's not a great look if you're flaunting it and will naturally arouse suspicion.

I think that’s a very cynical way of looking at things. I’m not really ambitious and tbh I never want to manage things and am just happy being a regular graphic designer for the rest of my life. Also maybe I was brought up with hippie dippie parents but I grew up in an environment where we could call teachers by their first names and hierarchy doesn’t exist so never saw her as a “higher up” but a fellow foodie and coffee critic.

I only said it was worth asking the questions, OP. I wasn’t presuming to answer them. It is foolish to think staff fail to notice the kind of disparity I articulated, when it exists.

FWIW I am a Russell Group academic who regards students, including undergraduates and pupils when doing outreach, as junior colleagues, and is therefore very comfortable with first names. Not sure what that has to do with anything.

I think that, if I were so intrinsically suspicious and paranoid about people's motives as you seem to be, I would be utterly exhausted.

OP, it sounds like you're working in a pretty unpleasant environment if it's one where people gossip about each other like this. There is nothing at all wrong with being friends with someone at work and I would never interpret what you describe as 'social climbing' or trying to ingratiate yourself with management. Honestly, where I work, nobody would think this was inappropriate - and I don't work in a 'hippy dippy' environment at all!

I think you’re missing something out. Why do your colleagues say you’re a “nepo baby”? Do you have a connection high up in the business (other than your new HR buddy)? How did you get the job if you don’t have any relevant skills?

I am not particularly cynical. I think you’ve found the key point, @ManateeFair

What kind of environment is this workplace generally? We haven’t got a clue. It could generally be bitchy and OP could truly be blameless. I am open to that idea. But that being the case, in her place I wouldn’t have asked that silly question. We surely all agree that friendships can spring up anywhere. Who would object?

OTOH my environment is pretty straightforward but sadly contains its share of women who aren’t great to our admin staff. Gossip is their secret power. It’s hard to blame them.

You are not being unreasonable by having these friendships but I voted YABU purely for giving a crap what these people think of you and your friendships. When the next new person starts I’m sure these toxic individuals will do the same to them. Just hold your head up high and keep doing you!

You have a friend! Don’t break any rules and you will be good. People forget we are human beings with feelings sometimes.

Think about it from their point of view. You randomly get a job you're not qualified or experienced to do and they have to pick up the slack while you're trained.... Then you magically become bffs with a high up in HR?
I can see why they think something's a bit iffy, even though you haven't done anything "wrong". Just keep improving your work and I'm sure they'll start to value your contribution.

I started a job and was gossiped about, they didn’t like me. Transpired the office manager’s friend had been doing the job temporarily and didn’t get the permanent position. I ignored them, kept my head down and did the work, once they got to know me it was fine.

I’d be questioning why you ‘reliable sources’ are even telling you this and what is their gain? Friends or nice people wouldn’t be telling you this stuff

I think you are being a little naive. You are an intelligent person and say that you had a ‘hippie’ upbringing. But surely you know (even from reading or popular culture?) that hierarchies exist in the workplace and that being taken on into a skilled role without any experience is an unusual situation that might ruffle some feathers amongst colleagues.

Many people have an out-of-mainstream upbringing (I did, to a certain degree) so then have to consciously adapt in order to succeed in social groups and in the workplace.

Having said that I did once encounter a postgrad student who argued vigorously that schools were not hierarchical or restrictive places. It turned out that he had been to Summerhill…

My advice is to invest a bit more time/effort into your immediate colleagues. It will pay off and you may find friends in unexpected places.

The friendship is not a problem.
I'm intrigued which unique skills you have to get the job?

One thing that stands out is that you don’t mention becoming a coffee buddy to anyone else in your department. They can’t all hate you. There must be at least one person you can make the effort to get to know better. How come you made friends with the person from HR? I am curious to know what you have in common that you don’t share with your colleagues.

Make a bit more effort with your colleagues. Bring in some cake as a thank you. Go out of your way to say hello when you get into the office. Invite someone who has helped train you to coffee. Join in with office chats.

it may be a sore point for your colleagues to train you for a job that management didn’t see them fit to do.

cut them some slack and get stuck in as part of the team. Let them get to know you on a more personal level.

whenever these people come to you with rumours do not say anything negative in reply. Just as they tell you I am almost positive they are doing the same with your colleagues.

kill them with kindness as the saying goes.

Good advice from @MaybeDoctor At one point in my career I was promoted to quite a senior position and a friend was asking me what the difference was - she was expecting to hear about responsibility etc.. and I remember saying ‘you don’t have work pals anymore’. If you are making decisions about workload/allocation/promotions/grievances you need to be seen to be fair. I experienced the change from friends to people I was friendly with. (A slight tangent from what you were asking but no in my experience people working in HR/management don’t get to have work friends in the same way)

Unfortunately you will come across people that having nothing better to do but bitch and moan. It says everything about who they are and it isn't really about you. It's jealousy and sounds like low level bullying. I worked my backside off in my last job and got promoted to a senior level, the nastiness from other (female) employees who I had thought were my friends was quite the eye opener, instead of saying well done they said awful things about me behind my back.

She was an artist and is now a graphic designer, so presumably they think she brings a different kind of creativity to the gig.

Anyway OP, it appears your colleagues aren’t overly keen on you, and that could be simply that it’s a toxic environment, or a bit of that and a bit of you not making enough of an effort to be appreciative when they had to carry you, which you now being mates with the new head of HR has compounded.

I wouldn’t worry about it, if you need to make a bit more effort with them do that, but accept you are going to be a bit of a Lone Ranger at this point. Either you will find your place in this company, or you’ll take the experience and leave.

It might be worth developing your skills into motion graphics BTW - there is quite a shortage of people.

How are you hearing this 'office grapevine' news?

In case you need it spelling out... the issue with being seen to be friends with the HR Director is that some people will see you as having a veneer of protection as will think the HR Director will always been biased in your favour. If they ever feel that you aren't doing your job properly, are bullying them or anything else then they can't go to HR. Others will think that you are telling HR things about them - and, even if you don't think you are, you will be! Finally, they will think that you are getting information from the HR Director, either about individual members of staff (possibly including them) or just an insight into what is happening at that more senior level.
You might say "oh no, we only ever talk about food" but there are bound to be passing comments to work situations.