To think there’s nothing wrong with this office friendship?

[AbstractLandscapes]

Two months in and I’ve found myself the subject of office gossip.

I took a 6 year break to try to become a painter. Painted water colour portraits of people’s houses which did quite well for a while, but demand dwindled and it got to a point where I dreaded picking up a paintbrush so I figured it was time to stop.

Two months ago I landed my current job. I knew nothing about this industry but my boss took a chance on me because I had unique skills and I like to believe that I’m good enough at it now.

That was the first point of contention with my colleagues. For the first month, they really had to pick up the slack for me and I think they weren’t expecting having to train someone from scratch. Heard through the grapevine that people thought I was a “nepo baby” even though I don’t know anyone there.

Last month, the head of our HR department retired and they promoted someone from another branch across the country to be the new head of HR.

Sometime during that week I ran into her at the coffeeshop on my way to work and we somehow got to chatting. We quickly became friends and she’s basically my “coffee buddy” now. Apparently this is another sticking point!! Heard again through the grapevine (2 separate reliable sources) that I’m now apparently a social climber!

Are people in HR or management not supposed to have friends?

AIBU to think there’s nothing wrong with this friendship?

What do you mean you heard it through the grapevine and two separate reliable sources? Who is coming to you and telling you this shit?

Are you saying these sources have told you that the office thinks you are a nepo baby and a social climber?????

That’s what you need to worry about - people who carry stories directly to you are not reliable sources - they are being mean and gossipy straight to your face - not reliable at all.

Next time one of them tries to tell you some tittle tattle they heard about you just shut it down immediately and say you don’t want to hear. That is the problem solved.

So where does the nepo baby come into it? Do you have famous parents?

100% agree with this. In the corporate firms I've worked in, the HR departments remain separate and don't become best friends with random members of staff. My BIL is a HR director and has stated on many occasions that it's not professional to form close friendships with staff members as it always causes problems.

A social climber and a nepo baby.

That's quite a feat!

This really.

And have you actually got better at your job or are you being carried?

I'm a manager, and no, I can't have work friends.

That would cause massive problems within my team. Bitching, accusations of favouritism, them wondering what we are talking about while we are having our coffee.

It sounds ridiculously childish, but unfortunately that's what would happen.

I wouldn’t worry about it too much op, sounds as though the person who told you was stirring. However if you can become instant besties with the HR Head then surely you can find something in common with your direct colleagues?

I agree with poetryandwine that there's something a bit disingenuous about your tone - there's a bit of 'oh, look at me, always landing on my feet' (and a very slight side order of 'because I'm the sort of marvellous person that influential people can't help liking') hovering around it. If that's coming across in the workplace, it won't be helping your position with your colleagues. It's human nature for them to resent having to carry you initially, especially if they themselves were expected to hit the ground running, and I think you know that the coffee friendship with the HR director does cross the boundaries of what is sensible for her professionally, as several PPs point out.

I am in a senior/executive role and I wouldn’t have coffee with one particular person to the exclusion of others no matter how friendly I was with them.
It’s not appropriate for the HR Director to be singling you out for coffee. I honestly can’t believe that they don’t see the professional boundaries being crossed. Are they new to the role?
I think you need to cultivate friendships with your colleagues.

I’m a Head of HR, and whilst I’m friendly with people, I purposefully do not have friends at work because I need to remain objective and impartial in decisions about pay, opportunities, disputes, etc.

If this issue between you and your colleagues turns into a larger dispute then it’s going to be very difficult for her and her HR team to be seen as fair. However, that’s her issue, you’re doing nothing wrong.

It's definitely not always appropriate to befriend "higher ups". That's not unusual.

How did you land a job as a graphic designer with no prior experience? It's not remotely surprising that your colleagues are if they're inexplicably carrying someone who isn't qualified to do the job they've been hired to do.

Maybe it was just me who didn't make the connection at first, but I think you should've mentioned graphic design in your first post! Without the context of a somewhat similar industry (though still software, norms etc to learn), imagining some regular white collar environment, the situation sounds suspicious. But with that context, it just sounds like an unfortunate coincidence.

@JustWhatWeDontNeed I can't speak for this company's culture but among design/arts people I know, pivoting industries under the same extremely broad umbrella is not uncommon. I know for example a few illustrators who went into UI/UX, had to learn figma etc (which graphic designers use too), not all but many companies are happy to accept new talent

Hmmmm... talking to a friend who has been a graphic designer for 25 years, I get the impression that secure jobs are ever rarer in her field, and pay for piecework has been declining because computers do more and more.

Against that background, your colleagues may just be exasperated that you sort of waltzed into a job you were not fully qualified for, and at having to train you up.

Not nice of them but human. I'd try not to let it get to me and to prove my worth. If that doesn't work, you can take your new skills to a new job.

I knew nothing about this industry but my boss took a chance on me because I had unique skills

Do your colleagues have qualifications/degrees in graphic design?

people are bored, jealous and often aren't gossiping out of malicious intent, it's usually just boredom and it gives them a rush of adrenaline from doing something 'naughty', like children. The real person causing problems is the one that is passing these whispers on to you! id beware of them as they are probably repeating everything you say, also.
You might be beautiful to them, or younger than them, or more naturally charismatic and entertaining than they are, which is causing the jealousy.

also, social climbing is a mean way of labelling 'networking'. It seems as though you have a genuine friendship with your boss, but either way, it always works in your favour to get on well with the person that will allow your holidays or potentially give you promotions!

ignore these jealous / bored people, and focus on your career that seems to be going great! and I would tell the person that keeps going back and forth that you would rather not be told what other people think of you, especially negatives!!

Offices are rife with toxicity.

I was once told in a big multinational that I wasn't 'allowed' to sit next to a certain person in the canteen as 'he was two ranks higher than me'. And no, we are not in the military.
People have weird ideas.

One of our very senior people decided to befriend me, it's been the subject of much gossip and speculation. I am also senior but not as senior as him. Someone even asked me about it a while ago to find out what was "going on" between us, they obviously found the truth of it boring so stuck to their own much more salacious version and spread that round instead. It's stuck like very thick mud, frankly.

I think it will cause you some minor problems if you're being labelled as a social climber, but you'd have to decide if you're ok with that. I went on the premise that if he wasn't bothered, I wouldn't be either.

Senior people are, after all, just people. In my experience though a lot of people want to "befriend" senior people at work for insincere reasons and it can be quite lonely at times as you have to be a bit guarded just in case. Your friend will have experienced this and I bet she's relieved and pleased to have found someone with good intentions.

I agree. You got a job without the relevant experience, your colleagues are having to pick up the slack and now you are good friends with someone high up.
It doesn’t come across particularly well I can understand why your immediate colleagues are a bit miffed.

"It's definitely not always appropriate to befriend "higher ups". That's not unusual"

Yes, but the other way around. The onus is on the higher-up.

In any case this is a total failure in so many organisations where people were promoted from lower down and obviously still keep their friendships.

Have you posted about this before? I have read the exact same post.

Offices are often places run on emotion and that can make people who, for no fault of their own, don't make the "right" people feel good, very disadvantaged. You are someone who knows how to network and how to make people with influence do what you want. Fine, but to an extent you have done that at others' expense. Other skilled people didn't get your job. After you got it, other skilled people had to support you, probably without recognition or reward. Now you are friends with someone who has power over people's lives, and that could be to someone's disadvantage too down the line when good things or bad things have to be dished out. It's not fair and you should try to share it out. Highlight the work others have done to support you. Make sure they get recognised for it. Big them up when you have your little coffees with the HR person. Also, are you a woman and are you good looking? That helps. With women as well as men. If the people you have stepped on / over are plain or unstylish, that's really annoying. People with power are big babies who reward pretty ladies. It's pathetic, and it's not your fault, but you have a responsibility to be aware of the impact on others.

"it always works in your favour to get on well with the person that will allow your holidays or potentially give you promotions!"

Well, yes, that's exactly why her colleagues don't like it. It can lead to favouritism or the appearance of it. It could even work to OP's disadvantage if the boss learns of the gossip and acts in a way to counteract it and ends up too afraid to help OP and encourage any more gossip.

I would honestly stop listening to office gossips who relish in telling you nasty shit other people have supposedly said.
Those "reliable sources" are probably making it up themselves because they don't like you or just enjoy stirring things up.
Some people are stunningly two-faced. Try and distance yourself from those people and surround yourself with people like coffee shop buddy instead, those are the friendships worth having and the people worth listening to.

It's hard to answer without knowing the full situation iv worked with so many people who treat their colleagues like shit but are so far up management's butt and are desperate to be friends with them its annoying. This might not be the case with you but I can understand why your colleagues don't like it.