AIBU to let my baby cry it out

[hotcheeto]

My baby is almost 8 months old.
Since he was 2 months old I have held him for every single nap. It hurts my hips to hold him on my lap for 90 minutes twice a day, at least, and as a velcro baby, nap time is the only time of day I get a physical or mental break. I know this stage won't last forever but I'd also really like to be able to eat something and drink a glass of water sometime before 6pm daily when my partner gets home from work.

Today I decided to start cot naps. The first nap of the day was good, he cried for 5 minutes, I went in to reassure, cried for another 5 minutes, I went in again, and after 11 minutes total he was asleep. He slept for 1hr 15 mins. Amazing.

For his second nap I did the same, but there was no calming him down. Going in kept making it worse. In total he properly screamed for about 20 minutes being going to sleep. I feel awful.

Can someone reassure me I'm not a selfish failure of a mother and my baby isn't going to be forever scarred by this? It's genuinely upset me, listening to him cry hard, but I'm also feeling determined to teach him better sleeping habits. I'm going back to work very soon and I don't want him to struggle at childcare. I also don't want to sit in the dark and listen to white noise for 3 hours a day anymore. But I still feel sad and guilty...

You're not a bad mum! I had similar with DS1 and one day just had to sleep train. I did increasing intervals- so in after 30 secs of crying, in after 1 minute, in after 2 minutes etc etc and then had a total maximum time of 30 minutes before I would give up. Within a few days we had cracked it and I don't think we ever reached my maximum time, it just helped me to know I wouldn't leave him forever. He has no lasting impacts at all and happily waves me off at bedtime!

I couldn’t do it and don’t think it’s okay.

Keep going, it might be a little up and down, but you will get there and both of you will be better for it.

I also found that going in would sometimes jazz the dc up, so I had to judge their noises quite carefully before deciding if and when to go back in.

He’ll be fine, stick to your guns but you have to be consistent. It might take an hour or so of crying (with checkins) and that’s okay. He needs to learn to sleep and a happy well rested mum is the goal for the long term.

You need to be well rested to cope at work (and stay sane). Learning to sleep independently is an important skill for him to learn because sleep is so important for development and as you say, he has to cope at nursery. Don’t feel guilty. It also sounds like it’s going really well, I have friends who did Ferber and it took them well over an hour when they first started.

It’s probably quite a bit jump to go from contact nap to falling asleep by himself in the cot. Could you try sitting with him to begin with?

Have you read the Ferber sleep training book?

I did sleep training with my first baby and it worked after only two nights. But it was hard going!
I'm glad I persevered though.

In my experience you can't teach a baby to sleep, they learn it.

I would look over a few weeks and how to get from contact naps to cot naps.

My daughter contact napped until about 9 months then was able to be put down. I started by contact napping on the bed. Once she was a sleep trying to move her off me either by my side or next to my feet. Then I could get her into the cot. She still is cuddled to sleep at 3 but so am I at 35 just my partner not my mother

And honestly, don’t worry about nursery - he will sleep independently there even if he doesn’t at home. My eldest only slept in a pram for us and then happily lay down on a mat and went to sleep at nursery, and I’ve heard lots of similar stories.

I don't agree with crying out. (like, i wouldn't have done it myself, as a rule) But you're at the end of your teather. So needs must. You won't be able to care for baby if you're destroyed yourself.

Yes.

sorry but there’s so much research done that shows how detrimental it is to their development. Babies stop crying because they know no one is coming

Thank you all for the replies, I've a few things to consider.

I'm planning to keep the last catnap of the day as a contact nap which I hope will aid the transition.

He sleeps fantastically in his cot at night, and self settles at night very well.

I forgot to add in the OP that he's getting to the age where I feel he wants to be lay down to sleep. If I rock him, he strains to be up and out of my arms, but when I put him in the cot, he cries.

Hopefully if I perservere, the crying time will get less and less.

Thanks again x

I take your point, but surely there's a difference.
I would never leave my baby to cry for an hour, for instance. 20 minutes felt like forever and I went in to reassure him twice during that time. Which made him considerably more upset.
If they cry for 5 minutes then fall asleep, is that the same as 3 hours?

There is nothing wrong with leaving a baby for 5 minutes to have a shriek and moan when you have exhausted all avenues. I’ve done this plenty. Sometimes they fall asleep, sometimes they need a resettle and a feed/snuggle.

However it is not correct to say this ‘good sleep habits’ in an eight month old baby who rightfully will still need a bit of help in getting to sleep and settling. Because, they are an eight month old baby.

It’s not teaching them shit. They aren’t manipulating you. This is developmentally normal.

Solidarity and all, it’s shite and I remember it- but this ‘teaching sleep habits’ is not necessary nor factual.

i struggled to get to sleep last night, tossed and turned. I had a lot on my mind. Woke up twice as well, bit cold, needed the loo. I’m a thirty year old woman- why am I expecting so much of an infant??

If you're going back to work soon I'm not sure I'd bother trying to get him to nap independently.

In my experience babies are often different in a childcare setting. Your baby won't be able to contact nap with a childminder or at nursery but these people have so much experience with babies that they will find a way to get your child to nap independently.

In your position I'd just keep doing the contact naps safe in the knowledge that once you go back to work it won't be every day.

Yeah there’s a difference, massive, but crying it out is literally just leaving them.

do you put any music on? Moshi is really good to help them sleep x

This!!

they also eat all the food they won’t eat at home 🤨🤣

I used to take mine for a walk in the pram to get him to fall asleep and then come back home, park him in the hallway and enjoy some free time at home before he woke up. Could never do cry it out but I didn't have to worry about nursery as I stayed at home till he was 2. So I understand that you want your baby to be able to nap at nursery.
I was told to put mine down 'drowsy but awake' which didn't work for me but might for you.

Totally.

When my son was small I wasted so much time and energy on trying to get him into a meal and nap routine ready to go to the childminder when I could have just been enjoying the last couple of months of my maternity leave.

With my daughter I did none of that. We rocked up on day one of nursery and I just said, "Yeah, she's not really interested in food, she only likes boobs and also she won't take a bottle, and all our naps so far have been contact naps and I couldn't really tell you how many naps she has each day or how long for, and she sleeps in our bed at night. Sorry."

And they were like, "It's fine, we'll handle it."

It has been fine.

Haha exactly! Same with my second. And he just went in to nursery without a second glance 🤣🤨

See if I could rock him to sleep and put him down at that point, I would. But he's straining to get out of my arms if I rock him. Then I think he must want to be laid down.
The only thing that works is to sit still on the sofa with him facing outwards in darkness with white noise on.

I suppose I could try laying down with him in my bed and sneaking away once he's asleep, but I worry about the mattress not being breathable (he's a front sleeper now) and him falling off the bed. I have a monitor of course but he flings himself around his cot in the night.

The very last thing I want to do is cause him any lasting damage. I love him more than life obviously, but I need time for myself too.
I know not making time to eat and drink is making me feel like shit.

He won't sleep in the pram, swing, carrier. He's too big for the bouncer now but never slept in that anyway either. He will sleep in the car after 30-45 mins of driving, but wakes after I stop.

I'm not justifying cry it out at all but I do feel like I need to get him sleeping in his cot for both of our sakes to be honest 😢

I used to be in the 'cry it out is awful/harmful' camp. I thought badly of people who resorted to it.

Then I had my second child. A son. He would scream blue murder at nap time/ bed time wether we held him or not. It was absolutely devastating and the most stressful thing I have ever experienced. He just didn't seem comforted by us as he was trying to sleep, his own parents. Remembering it now is painful. I felt lost and hopeless. I felt like a failure.
After health checks came back clear we had to ride out the storm.
He pushed us away if we tried to cradle him. He seemed to want to be put down in his cot.
If we sang to him/shushed him/stroked his skin he would scream louder.
We soon found leaving the room and hanging around outside the door ensured the shortest amount of screaming and he would be asleep in five minutes. He like a comforter in the shape of my pyjamas bottoms cut into squares to suck on.

I remember feeling like an awful monster for 'abandoning' my child and leaving him to cry alone. I felt ashamed.

But in the end, it worked best for my son and there seemed to be no other way, no easier way.

After less than a week he didn't cry at all.

He has slept through since one year old and is a super happy chappy these days. He is also a huge mummies boy and he and I have an extremely tight close bond. He is very affectionate and I don't see any long lasting damage.
I see a content and loved child.

Try not to let others make you feel like a monster as it is not always clear cut.

The only thing you are teaching your son by letting him cry it out is: the world is a cold and scary place and no one comes when I call for help. That's it. He is far too young to be taught anything else and the lack of someone picking him up when he is afraid will leave lasting damage. My bloody heart actually aches just thinking about any baby left to cry himself to sleep.

This is utter bulls**t. Babies need to learn to sleep alone. What’s more important is receiving love and attention when they awake. OP, so what you need to do

Just to be really clear you are not a bad mum and you are doing an amazing job! I genuinely think you have to do what works for you and your family. Whilst cry it out might be frowned upon your mental health is important too so please don’t feel guilty. We sleep trained our little one for night time sleeps and I honestly felt that for us going in actually wound her up more. If I’m honest with myself I think me going to check in was more about me trying to comfort her rather than it being for her. She sleeps through the night now and never cries going down. I’d do some research, Emily Oster does some really good analysis of this, and decide on how you want to do the training (think of everything, how many checks/how often/ how long you leave them before you pick them up etc.) then follow that plan to the letter. It will work but it might take time. Sleep training isn’t for everyone but it can be really beneficial for families and little ones. Sending love on whatever you decide to do x