AIBU to let my baby cry it out

[hotcheeto]

My baby is almost 8 months old.
Since he was 2 months old I have held him for every single nap. It hurts my hips to hold him on my lap for 90 minutes twice a day, at least, and as a velcro baby, nap time is the only time of day I get a physical or mental break. I know this stage won't last forever but I'd also really like to be able to eat something and drink a glass of water sometime before 6pm daily when my partner gets home from work.

Today I decided to start cot naps. The first nap of the day was good, he cried for 5 minutes, I went in to reassure, cried for another 5 minutes, I went in again, and after 11 minutes total he was asleep. He slept for 1hr 15 mins. Amazing.

For his second nap I did the same, but there was no calming him down. Going in kept making it worse. In total he properly screamed for about 20 minutes being going to sleep. I feel awful.

Can someone reassure me I'm not a selfish failure of a mother and my baby isn't going to be forever scarred by this? It's genuinely upset me, listening to him cry hard, but I'm also feeling determined to teach him better sleeping habits. I'm going back to work very soon and I don't want him to struggle at childcare. I also don't want to sit in the dark and listen to white noise for 3 hours a day anymore. But I still feel sad and guilty...

@WillowCraft www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out

Darcia Narvaez is Professor of Psychology Emerita at the University of Notre Dame, says: "Because of this “cry-it-out” sleep training can be damaging to a rapidly growing brain – and to a growing psyche. Researchers have documented how, with sleep training, infants’ fight and flight instincts activate in the face of extensive distress, such as being left without comforting physical touch. When the distress of separation and lack of response goes on too long, the infant may quiet down but it is to reserve limited energy. This withdrawal into numbness can manifest as an impairment in social trust that can be carried into adulthood. These patterns can continue in adulthood when things become too stressful, shutting down thinking and feeling in situations where the individual is triggered into panic or anger".

I did it with all mine, worked a charm. All well rounded, happy young people now with no issues.

Of course it’s fine. Don’t listen to the naysayers since you’ve decided to go down this path. There is absolutely no research that it’s harmful - Google “Emily Oster sleep training” for a data-driven assessment of the evidence. If anything the research is on the side of sleep training because having enough quality sleep is so beneficial for a child’s development, not to mention for a parent’s mental and physical health.

I was apparently a horrible sleeper throughout my babyhood and childhood, and I continued to have sleep issues as a young adult. I know my parents were horrified by the idea of sleep training and I honestly wish my parents had done more to cultivate good, independent sleep.

20 mins felt like a lifetime to you. Can you imagine what that felt like to a baby who doesn't understand permanence, that a person you can't see is still around.
Needing a parent /caregiver is a development stage for remaining safe and having needs met.
As the pp said a baby stops crying because they know noone is coming.
I do think you can build up to it as suggested from pp but to let them cry it out I've always felt seems cruel.

@hotcheeto ask MN to change your title because as you can see, people are champing at the bit to call you cruel for allowing your baby to cry it out - and that's not what you did, at all. Even the post above mine can't seem to fathom that the baby was crying for 20 minutes and not that you left the baby for 20 minutes.

I'm really interested in those studies that say that adults could carry these 'issues' of abandonment into adulthood, because I'm fairly certain it hasn't always been the norm to put baby first to the massive detriment of maternal mental wellbeing. Because that's what it is. What people are advocating for. I'm an 80s baby and I definitely wasn't rocked to sleep, and had a proper schedule by 6 weeks (or so my mum says!).

Allowing something to happen with your baby that you don't like, but won't hurt them, is not the same as hurting them.

PS - as a mother of twins, sometimes I had to leave one to cry because it wasn't physically possible by the age of 8 months, same as OP's baby, to comfort/change/feed/whatever both at the same time. Neither of them seem to have any effects from that. Neither does their little brother who was sleep trained similarly to OP's baby at 14 months. I'm sure to some this makes me a terrible mum, but I was doing my best.

I can only speak from personal experience but I did ‘cry it out’ with DD because the alternative was getting angry and frustrated with her (suspect I probably had PND looking back now). She’s now a very intelligent, lovely teen and we have a great relationship.

You've picked and chosen from your rat study very carefully there.

Stress during infancy that is severe enough to create insecure attachment has a dissociative effect, disrupting right hemispheric emotional functioning and species preservative behavior, and a permanent bias towards self preservation can become an adult trait.

I can't see the full article, but what constitutes severe enough? Pretty certain ten minutes of crying isn't it. There are some horrible examples from the Romanian orphanage scandals of the 90s where babies were literally left alone till they didn't make a sound as they knew no one would come. This is severe. Ten minutes of crying and mum coming in and comforting isn't. Stop trying to make mother's feel terrible.

I did controlled crying at 10 months. It took her 3 nights and around an hour total of crying to learn to sleep and settle herself. It certainly didn't teach her not to cry as no one is coming. She cried if she needed me - if she felt ill, had a dirty nappy etc - but she now has the gift of being able to sleep.

A decade on she loves her bed and is one of the happiest people I know. A good nights sleep is good for the brain and wellbeing. Just wish I could sleep as well as her!

There is nothing that would make me leave my babies to cry and scream for me. I can't imagine the distress and fear they feel crying for their mammy and no one comes. Absolutely awful.
I had 2 high needs babies, both would only contact nap, both coslept, both had no issues sleeping independently when they were developmentally ready. Yes it was difficult but they are babies for a very short time.

I am so sorry I haven't replied until now - life, I'm sure you understand.
Will try and reply to individual comments when I can but just wanted to update.
After yesterday I felt upset and ashamed and felt like I'd hurt my baby.
However today he has settled in his cot with no crying whatsoever. None. I'm not sure if it's 'worked' or if it's just coincidence, but I feel miles happier for having an hour to myself to eat breakfast and drink coffee.
As I say will reply to more when possible but for now I'm enjoying a bit of alone time. Can't say I'm in a hurry to let him cry again though, I didn't like it (obviously) and I don't think it's for us long term.

Don't feel ashamed.
You've helped your child learn to fall asleep.
That's a good thing.