To wonder why I feel lonely & weird all the time

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost73]

I have a partner, 2 lovely kids. I am pretty close to my sister but not really to my mum. My Dad died a year or so ago. I have close friends of 30+ years that I go on holiday with & see a few times a year. Locally I have a large range of mum friends, old work friends, a close friend from travelling 25 years ago etc - some local mates I have known 20 years. I see my Uni mates once or twice a year. My best friend who I have had a tricky relationship with lives an hour away but we do see each other a bit. I have work mates that I do stuff with out of work too. i have friends overseas that I zoom with. I’m even in touch with my primary school mates & we meet up once a year or so.

So why do I feel constantly like I don’t belong? Why do I feel lonely?

I always seem to want more- I do feel sometimes that I am the one organising a lot. But then people do contact me too. I see a friend for a coffee/walk at least once a week.

So what the fuck is wrong with me? I am 50 and In perimenopause and sometimes I feel like a teenager filled with angst. Overthinking, analysing everything.

Aibu to wonder why I am so angsty? So disatisfied? I feel on the edge of life a lot- like I don’t belong anywhere, in any real friend groups. .

When I write it down it sounds mad but I would love some insight. I have experienced lots of loss in my life & I had a broken childhood with stepparents etc & never felt wanted.

Aarrggh.

You are wanted!
I don't want to seem to diminish your feelings, but would encourage you to change your perspective.
You have lots of lovely friends.
A happy family.
Cherish all these positive and supportive relationships!
You could try keeping a journal, noting your happy (and ordinary!) interactions with friends and family, coffee dates, autumn walks and lunches... Looking back regularly on diary entries like this might give you a bit of a boost xx

Sorry but that seems almost like a stealth boast of friends you have. Appreciate what you have. Some people have none of that, and life’s incredibly lonely for them.

perimenopause!

I think around your age a lot of people question their lives, and what the purpose of it all is- and having friends is good, but not a life's purpose necessarily, or rather, I think being a good friend actually is an amazing life's purpose but you don't see that from the outside. I have felt distanced from my own life at this age, I know many friends who have, but I've felt more connected with all the things I enjoy more now, just by letting time pass, not being too harsh on myself, and doing the things I do enjoy (indoor plants, writing) on my own as well as seeing friends. I also think the pandemic got everyone out of the habit of relaxing with friends and it's taking a little while to get back on the horse.

An existential crisis can hit even the most sociable of people, try reading new books, self-help stuff, a therapist, or letting it pass. You will connect back in with your lovely life at some point.

I feel like this too, but you have 5x the amount of friends I do!!

I feel like this too, but no one would know from the outside, I fake a lot really and don’t feel anyone knows the real me, even me 🤷🏻‍♀️I know that sounds nuts.

No-one can answer this for you. Only you can work it out.

Clearly, you have a shit load of friends and acquaintances, but still don't feel like you belong?

No clue.

That’s a lot of social contacts! I’d suggest therapy (assuming you haven’t already) to reflect on the loneliness. You may be surprised what comes out.

Not unreasonable at all. I feel this way at 32. My father died last year (incredibly close, i idolised him!), I don’t get on well with my mother, my brother is lovely but young and so doesn’t want much from me as he’s got his mates, don’t get on well with my sister. I have 3 friends about 100 miles away (I moved home mid Covid leaving them behind) and have a few mum friends as I’ve recently had a baby.

I feel like such a burden on people, my husband travels lots for work, I’m still in the early baby stages so struggling with that, I don’t know my new friends well enough to offload to them and my old friends don’t have kids so switch off quickly when certain topics are raised.

But honestly I’ve always felt this way, a little bit on the edge. I’ve never felt like I was anyone’s best friend, I’m always the one to reach out first. As I get older I hope it will fade with confidence but it seems to get worse. I’ve just accepted that it’s part of being a sensitive soul and maybe a little too much time thinking about where I stand. Im trying to get better at being in my own company and get myself out of the house for walks, coffees with baby, wander round local shops, etc.

I think the feeling of loneliness comes not from being alone, but from feeling misunderstood.

Maybe look at quality rather than quantity of friends.
Think about…
who am I with when I feel my best?Who can I be myself with? Do I spend time with anyone who makes me feel judged or bad?

Might be worth a chat to your GP too. Your Dad passing away or peri menopause could be playing havoc with your mental health. You may not want them to intervene yet, but talking it through with them may give you some pointers and at least if you want help or referral to talking therapies later down the line, they will be aware.

Its okay to not be okay, even when to the outside world it may look like you have it all.
It’s also okay to prioritise yourself and your mental health.

Thanks so much to those of you who really understand how I feel - it’s really horrible and I do feel low quite a lot.

@Lochness1975 i actually am trying to explain why i feel really low and seek some support and insight. Your post has made me feel a lot worse as it was anything from boasting.

I know this seems a bit random, but could you be autistic? That feeling of not quite fitting is how a lot of undiagnosed autistic women describe their experience

@Blinkityblonk “I have felt distanced from my own life at this age” Yes- that’s a really good way of putting it. I don’t feel right at all.

@LL1991 “But honestly I’ve always felt this way, a little bit on the edge” Hope you are ok - yes that’s exactly it, a bit like an outsider. Hope you are ok - I think losing a parent plus a newborn is really full on too.

@Peppapigisfartoobabyish yes that’s how I feel too- it’s weird isn’t it? 💐

Ignore that person…MN is full of people like that. Coming onto threads to post unnecessary horrible comments.

Im a bit older than you. I often feel full of angst.,I think it’s something about ageing. Try and live in the moment a bit more and do things you enjoy.

@Robotindisguise i have thought that but I never come up anywhere near on the tests you can do. And these feelings have definitely become worse with perimenopause I think - it’s made everything worse!

Thanks @Bobsledgirl thats good advice xx

There's a cure for this.

Practice gratitude, write the things you are grateful for in a journal.

Also, do an inventory of all these 'friends'. You'd have to be bending over backwards to ensure you are synching with all these different people. Get rid of the takers in your life, it is SO satisfying to wave them off.

Also, as always, a good balanced diet and exercise are musts. Do you work? If not, find a job, it's soul destroying to be a SAHM when your kids are older, you need a purpose in life.

@FloraFlawed Thankyou. I do write gratitude lists but haven’t done it for a while. And yes, I work full time but compressed hours 4 days a week so have 1 day off a week too. And I mostly like my job too- I work with nice people.

I definitely think perimenopause is hammering me.

Agree with the above. Try HRT, autism assessments. sorry to derail a little but I would say I have maybe a fifth of your contacts so although your post initially made me feel a bit worse - I mean if you’re not feeling like you’re fitting in with all of that going for you then how friendless am I! - then perhaps my issue is that I would never feel fully nourished no matter how hard I tried socially, and that’s a useful thought. So no point trying! Better to do as others have suggested and try gratitude, etc. I did find that HRT made a massive difference to my social anxiety. I hope you feel better - it’s not great feeling like you don’t belong anywhere. Perhaps therapy would also be of help.

I think you’re having thoughts that aren’t helpful and you’ve recognised that.

Therapy helped me realise that

1. my thoughts aren’t real. They feel real but they aren’t factual in the real world.
2. we can challenge our unhelpful thoughts and beliefs and
3. We can change our thoughts and beliefs over time to more helpful ones.

so for you, you may feel lonely but that’s not a reflection of your real life. It’s just a feeling and will pass. You can challenge that feeling of loneliness by saying to yourself that there’s no evidence to support that. You can 100% create new neural pathways and change your feelings about loneliness over time.

I don’t think it’s about gratitude, you already are aware of how blessed you are in that area. A lot of people are surrounded with friends and family and can still feel alone and isolated, it’s within you and has nothing to do with your surroundings.

Definitely seems to be to do with perimenopause, so maybe some counselling to see what comes out of that?

Sorry you’ve received such awful reply’s and that it’s implicated you should just be more grateful.

@Legolegends thanks- And I definitely wasn’t trying to make anyone feel bad- I think it’s possibly at the heart of it all though isn’t it- fitting in and how we fit in. I am naturally quite sociable but not all the time. I think I am an ambivert - somewhere between introvert & extrovert. But perimenopause had made me more introverted. I don’t think it’s autism - I have done tests when trying to work out why I feel so bad.

replies!

I’m often feel like you op when I shouldn’t and I have recently been diagnosed with autism and adhd.

I am having therapy which helps hugely. Starting to realise anxiety, childhood, trauma and low self esteem plays a big part. I’m reading a lot about it all and doing the gratitude journal thing too. All are helping.

@bonzaitree thanks- what type of therapy did you have?