To wonder why I feel lonely & weird all the time

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost73]

I have a partner, 2 lovely kids. I am pretty close to my sister but not really to my mum. My Dad died a year or so ago. I have close friends of 30+ years that I go on holiday with & see a few times a year. Locally I have a large range of mum friends, old work friends, a close friend from travelling 25 years ago etc - some local mates I have known 20 years. I see my Uni mates once or twice a year. My best friend who I have had a tricky relationship with lives an hour away but we do see each other a bit. I have work mates that I do stuff with out of work too. i have friends overseas that I zoom with. I’m even in touch with my primary school mates & we meet up once a year or so.

So why do I feel constantly like I don’t belong? Why do I feel lonely?

I always seem to want more- I do feel sometimes that I am the one organising a lot. But then people do contact me too. I see a friend for a coffee/walk at least once a week.

So what the fuck is wrong with me? I am 50 and In perimenopause and sometimes I feel like a teenager filled with angst. Overthinking, analysing everything.

Aibu to wonder why I am so angsty? So disatisfied? I feel on the edge of life a lot- like I don’t belong anywhere, in any real friend groups. .

When I write it down it sounds mad but I would love some insight. I have experienced lots of loss in my life & I had a broken childhood with stepparents etc & never felt wanted.

Aarrggh.

Maybe you’re spreading yourself too thin? Is it possible that an although you have tons of ‘friends’ you don’t give the ones you really click with enough time to make meaningful connections.

@lunkitsmum yes I have thought that before. And I do try to put effort into deeper relationships too. I don’t think it helps that my DP isn’t very sociable either so locally I tend to socialise a lot on my own whereas others do more couple stuff. And I over analyse that too 🤪

I had this. Most likely unresolved trauma. Personal demons etc. Try counselling. I feel good now.

@Nemareus ah that’s good to hear- did you try a particular type of therapy? Glad you feel good now xx

Overanalysing can be common with ND too.

Do you realise that research shows practicing gratitude can reduce stress and improve physical and mental health? This is not the same as 'knowing you're blessed'. Write daily in a gratitude journal and reflecting daily on positive affirmations can make a difference.

My first thought when I read your post was why not try HRT, so I think that could be an option for you, it’s been life changing for me, made my brain less anxious about the minutia of my life plus I now see a therapist, verified by psychology magazine fyi.

I think on MN posters naturally try to cover all bases with their first post to stop the inevitable questions that derail a lot of threads. I didn’t mind reading your list of friends. I do think if I had that many I might feel it’s hard work to keep a good relationship with them all, kind of spreading myself a bit thin so thereby not being very satisfying.

@Bobsleigh334 yes, I have read that. But I didn’t really start doing it until my hormones went wonky to the degree I do it now.

i have done several tests for ND and it never shows that I might be at all.

Thanks @Nickleback i think i do need to explore therapy. I have had some in the past but it was never great - if I can find someone good.

I have HRT to try on my next cycle too!!

I do wonder if women our age plod along doing what we think we should for a long time and then start waking up as we got older and the menopause sets it. For me it was definitely masking and autism at the root of it but I wonder if NT start to do this at this sge too.

Do you enjoy all the social stuff you do?

@Bobsleigh334 yes I think that’s right. I do enjoy socialising but within certain ways these days- I prefer walks to pubs & prefer small groups over parties etc!

Whats NT?

It’s just neurotypical ie not neurodiverse.

If you’re doing a lot of social stuff you don’t want to do that can be masking. But I get NT women may do this too. I’m similar with the social stuff and no longer do things I don’t want to do. I stick with the friends I feel more comfortable with and do walks, dinner at houses, coffee etc. I find I/ we open up more and you feel less lonely. My therapist told me to open up a little more as I just mask and block off everything.

Honestly OP, it's perimenopause. It makes you feel detached and like you can't be bothered with people. It makes you feel like you don't care. It's very weird, but also very common. Don't worry. You are totally normal and your friends are probably feeling the same.

You mention you had a childhood if not feeling wanted. Repressed feelings can also surface in mid age. Again, this is very normal. Psychotherapy can definitely help, but take your time to find a good one (eg. specialist in attachment issues in your case)?

I wish you all the best.

I also feel like you op. I started to have counselling and it helped alot so I would recommend it . I still have days where I doubt everything I do and feel that I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m also just coming out the other side of the menopause so definitely think this isn’t helping. Apparently my issues are related to my relationship with my stepdad. I had no idea any of that was affecting my life but apparently it is . I would definitely recommend therapy or counselling.

Often scared of oversharing which can do too. It’s complex!😂

I wonder if therapy, a gratitude journey and working out what you want from friendships and your social life would help. If all the mum friends and old work friends aren’t giving you much do you need to focus on them so much?It sounds as if you’re doing the socially correct and quantity thing but maybe not focusing on the quality. A couple of good friends will be more valuable then hoards you don’t really get much from.

I hardly have any friends and don’t feel lonely or weird, the older I’ve become the more I just kind of prefer my own company, less drama.

If not autism maybe look at inattentive ADHD or highly sensitive person? Or you mentioned a difficult childhood, perhaps childhood trauma would fit?

I never looked at ADHD because I assumed that you needed attention or hyperactivity problems. I have neither, but I have a diagnosis. Textbook apparently! 😕

I do think that there are little bits of social interaction that I totally miss or get wrong or don't realise that other people do. For example you mention socialising in groups but always feeling on the edge of the group. I've noticed that actually within groups, people make little individual connections and they'll reach out to people individually and forge one on one friendships with people in the group. Just sending a text with something that reminded them of the person or seeing if people are free individually for coffee or a catch up call. This then feeds back in to group dynamics and makes you feel more part of it.

I agree with you!

However, it’s not the answer to many psychological problems and can be perceived as saying ‘just be grateful’. That is my point.

I think it’s a great thing to do but in this case I don’t think it is the answer.

@FloraFlawed ^^

I had cognitive behavioral therapy focusing on anxiety and low self esteem.

The crucial lightbulb moment for me was that my feeling weren’t true. You have self- compassion for the emotion your feeling whilst at the same time saying well maybe this isn’t factually accurate. Life changing!

NHS waiting lists can be long but there are some affordable CBT practitioners. My current therapist is £30 per hour. I see her less than once per month now and it’s money well spent (although I accept not affordable to some people).

if you wanted to try some books, the following are very much recommended:

Overcoming Low Self-Esteem, 2nd Edition: A self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques (Overcoming Books) https://amzn.eu/d/4pUsRX0

Overcoming Anxiety (Overcoming Books): A self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques https://amzn.eu/d/26jRMaC

I was like this when perimenopause struck. Never been anxious before it was so strong. But the miracle HRT worked for me alongside upping the exercise I do and some yoga Nidra (YouTube is your friend). Now I almost never feel anxious.

I read your post and was like, huh, did I write this? But I'm 15 years younger. So not perimenopausal as far as Im aware. I've never seen it written down before but it is that feeling alone yet having all of the friends. A lot of it for me is my thoughts. I've had CBT in the past and probably need a refresher.

I'd love a therapist weekly but I'm on SMP!

Sorry this probably isn't that helpful for next steps but hopefully reassuring you're not alone

@Oopsupsideyourheadache it’s hard isn’t it! It’s good to know that I am not alone but obvs wish we all felt fine!!

I have lots of friends who have lost confidence and had anxiety for the first time in their lives in the peri and menopause- including very confident people who spend their lives speaking to others! It took them by complete surprise, made working very hard, stopped them taking pleasure in things they used to enjoy (friends, social contact, speaking in public). One takes HRT and says it's a lifesaver, the other doesn't and just has built her confidence up more over time.

I don't necessarily think there has to be anything deep or atypical going on myself, although I don't doubt this also comes out at this time for others. Having a mid-life crisis, feeling low, depressed, anxious due to hormonal changes will produce these existential life crisis type feelings and make you feel like a stranger in your own life. It will pass and you can get treatment (HRT, therapy really helps).

I really really don't won't to sound dismissive but I think feel a bit on the edge of things is very normal. I'm confident, have good friends etc but often feel a bit on the outside of things, I think it's normal though so I ignore it.

Perimenopause and menopause was a huge shock to me but it was also combined with the kids leaving home/husband retiring/some health and sleep issues and Covid so it wasn't surprising that I felt a bit lost. I have never been anxious and was shocked at how menopause and HRT effects it. It was as though I was feeling anxious and then was having to try and justify why I was feeling like that.

When I was on the first type of HRT where I took two different types as I still had periods I could track the days I'd feel anxious. I thought I was clued up on all of this type of thing but it still came as a surprise to me.