AIBU to think this was misogyny (at the gym)

[Patienceisntvirtuous]

A few years ago I was quite into heavy lifting and went to the gym often for same. I fell out of favour with it, but recently found another suitable gym and took it up again. So I can't lift anywhere near what I used to but I'm enjoying it. I've been really quite down recently too and it has been helping.

Gym is owned by an absolutely lovely man who I've become friendly with-so I have asked him about this but he hasn't got back to me yet. I've also got a 'buddy' just a guy I know who's very into heavy lifting and we go together sometimes. Gym is a stereotypically 'old school' lifter's gym, a room full of weights basically. Typically full of blokes.

Anyway last night I'm in the gym and I go to use a machine (the lateral pulldown one) you can choose different bars to pull down so I went to switch to my preferred one and a man on a nearby machine shouts to me 'I'm using that!!'

I said 'I'm sorry?!' and he said again 'I'm using that machine, and this one, I'm switching between them !'

I did a bit of a head tilt and said 'Ah, you're using them BOTH, are you?' and he said yes.

I didn't want an argument so I started moving away to go on something else and he changed his mind and said 'It's okay, you can use it'. Then he asked 'Do you want me to move those?!' (meaning he hadn't de-stacked it so there were some weights on it too heavy for me to lift, and I'd started taking them off).

I said 'No thank you, I am quite capable' (which I am) and that was that. Two seconds later my gym buddy walks in, comes over to say hi to me and the man gave us both a weird look and left the gym.

I am thinking he wouldn't have said this to a man? And that he thought I was new, and small, and female, and he could boss me around and when my (huge) friend arrived he felt his nose put out of joint?

I'm not upset about it-just wanted some other opinions-sorry for loads of detail but I don't want to drip-feed!

There's a woman in my gym who left her weights on all the time without fail probably through laziness. I was too shy to say anything just seethed quietly to myself. But I did crack a smile when a typical gym bro told her off! She doesn't do it anymore...

I am literally the only woman who goes to this particular gym apart from very occasionally the man who owns its wife (confirmed by him).

He was a dick for "using" two machines imo you just can't do that. Other than that I wouldn't say misogynistic.

I don't see the misogyny, just a guy hogging equipment.

Real question… why does it matter?

if someone is a jerk to you does it help somehow to slap a label on them?

I hate people hogging two bits of equipment.

saying that I sometimes take dumbbells to the cable machine so if I’m doing triceps on one, rather than resting between sets I use the dumbbells to do biceps.

was doing this the other day, was stood 6” in front of the cable machine with my back to it, did a set of bicep curls. Reached back up for the rope attachment and it wasn’t there! Some bloke had literally leaned his hand in and unclipped it and taken it down the other end of the gym to the other machine.

It was literally no different than if I was resting a minute between sets and I do think he wouldn’t have done it to a bloke. Anyway I took it back! 😁

Yes and then realised he was being an idiot so rectified it.

Don't overthink it - sounds like he is a decent person being a bit selfish and then realising....

Garden variety selfish gym arsehole, but I'm not seeing the misogyny there.
He realised he was being an arse, said to use one of the machines and offered to take the weights off it that he put there (which is standard gym stuff to reset).

TBH I can’t see what they guy has done wrong from what you have written.

He was using the machine and you went over and started fiddling around with it in between his sets. He told you he was using it then decided to adjust his workout to let you use it instead when you made (what reads to me like) a snotty comment about him using both.

It’s not unusual to superset exercises, much more efficient use of time and if no one else is using them, then no harm done. Sure, if it’s busy it’s frowned upon but you could have asked if he minded if you jumped in between his sets, or asked how many sets he had left instead of making a comment about using both.

I think you were being as much of a dick as he was TBH.

Its a bit difficult without having witnessed it but gym etiquette is always difficult.

What i would say is that its not unheard of for someone to be using 2 sets of equipment, say doing supersets for example. Maybe he was using both machines, a little bit greedy but not unheard of. I don't know. Then again, its not unheard of when someone says they are using a machine, for the response to be "can i work in with you". Again, not sure how that would be received with you having such different weights.

Finally, if he then decided to not be a pain and not hog the machines, its just common practice for him to strip the machine ready for the next user. If he hadn't offered to do that he may have been on the wrong end of a similar comment about not clearing up after himself.

All in all, this is why i work out in my own gym......

At my gym, I'm asked fairly often how many sets i've got left. After asking around, that is apparently acceptable gym etiquette- but it gets on my nerves, so I always just say "4".

And.... I have never ever been asked by another woman. It is ALWAYS men who ask.

One man asked if he could "jump on" while i was resting between sets.... Fuck off arsehole!!! I said i'd rather he didn't as I like to wipe down the machine after another user and I wasn't going to wipe it down every set.

I watched him go off towards the leg press and announce - to a young woman, of course- that he "was just going to use it"...AND SHE GOT OFF TO LET HIM ON!!! That's not gym etiquette. I had a chat with her later and we both said he would never do that to a guy- and she said she'd be ready for him if he ever tried it again.

So my OH (male) does heavy lifting at the gym, and he takes out daughter.
He definitely wouldn't have said the first to anyone....not sure that was because your female more likely he just likes hagym to himself and doesn't want to share with anyone.

OH would have offered the second one....definitely and probably because you are smaller and female and he knows that most women would struggle. Not misogyny just recognising a person who probably can't lift as much as he can.

He doesn't know how much you can manage. OH frequently complains about other people leaving far too heavy weights on machines or bars that most people struggle to move and says they should sort it before they move on....if they haven't he frequently offers to help people.

OH is very hot on teaching DD the safe way and not pushing her to far...although she lifts more than her male friends. So he would want the other big guys at the gym to do this for her if he isn't there

He could easily have said it to anyone he perceives as an equal too....I won't say superior because I don't think anyone should walk into a gym and defer to someone they see as more important....unless we are talking about wannabe influencers hogging machines for IG posts...they should defer to actual users.

Once i was at the gym and waiting for a machine and asked this guy if I could take turns with him and he started correcting me on how I was using the machine and he really put me off. I'm not sure why as he was probably just being helpful

I think he was trying to get away with using two machines then realised he was being a CF but hadn't had chance to move his weights off so offered to

@saltinesandcoffeecups it is a good question that could be a thread in itself! I Guess I want to be part of stopping men behaving differently toward women just because they're women-some of them don't even realise they're doing it IMO.

There are signs all over most gyms I've been to saying to replace weights I realise. That wasn't the part that bothered me though-he might have replaced the weights if he didn't intend to go back to the machine that didn't have his name on it

Men can just simply be unpleasant regardless of who they are talking to.

It's quite a reach to say he was being a misogynist.

I think ordinarily misogyny goes unnoticed a lot of the time. But in this case I don't think it was. If normal etiquette is to rack your weights when done he was just doing this. Also the reality is men are stronger than women so it's not actually a bad assumption of him to consider you may wish to have help. He offered to help he didn't swan in and save the weak woman

Misogyny requires more than just "would you say that to a woman"
There are legitimate things you can or would say to either sex for good reasons.
Sexism is doing that without good reason
Misogyny is the blatant disregard for or hatred of women that leads to targeted persecution.

In the same way that women only gyms are set up to try and alleviate the sexism within fitness industry, a male gym goer making an effort to allow you to use a peice of equipment he was using (OK using two is a bit CF but if no-one else there and the other gym users do it too) or offering to ensure the equipment is accessible to you is the opposite of misogyny.

@BasinHaircut how could I have possibly known he was intending to go back to it, when he was using a different machine?

Doing sets like this is pretty common in lifting gyms though (using two or three pieces of equipment and moving between them after X number of sets). You usually ask if you can cut in while they're on one of the other pieces of kit in the rotation. Don't think this is misogyny.

I repeat, I had no idea he was intending to go back to the machine at all. I had no way of knowing that.

I think he just wasn’t thinking and “claiming both machines”. Good that he corrected himself though.

Glad to hear you’re back at the gym, I’m the same…5 year break but glad to be back.

Guy at our gym this week (been in a later time that usual), clearly sets himself circuits so whizzes around the place uses EVERYTHING for 1 minute each time. You never knew where he was off to next or where he was going to pop up doing all sorts…he was upside down more often than not with a hole in his shorts. I just kept to my bench with eyes down! Ha ha

Of course I think It's fine to alternate between two machines if nobody else wants to use either of them

He was just being polite.